By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. APARTMENT - DAY Mary-Kate is in the kitchen. It's unclear who she's talking to. MARY-KATE I need to ask you something. And I'm sorry to put you on the spot. But there's no one else closer to me in the whole world. So be honest. Do I do too many drugs? In the reverse, we reveal COMET, who's talking in this episode. He sounds kind of like MORGAN FREEMAN. COMET No! MARY-KATE Really? COMET No, no, no, no, and meow - which, by the way - means no. MARY-KATE Oh my God. Thank God. COMET But- MARY-KATE Oh no. My least favorite conjunction. COMET Just to play devil's advo-cat, you should take my opinion with a grain of salt, if not a whole sardine. MARY-KATE Gross. Why? COMET In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a talking cat. MARY-KATE That's what it is. I was like, what's changed? Is he shedding? No collar? But now I see it. You're talking, like human beings do. COMET I could very well be the result of a drug-induced hallucination, which means... MARY-KATE (struggling) You... telling me to do less drugs... COMET Go on... MARY-KATE Is... COMET So close... Mary-Kate snores, asleep. Comet's CAT PAW comes in and WHACKS her. MARY-KATE (startled awake) AH. COMET You're not talking to me at all, Mary-Kate. You're talking to yourself. MARY-KATE THIS WHOLE TIME? But we had a conversation about international politics! COMET You just made that stuff up. MARY-KATE So the Gaza Strip isn't a type of bikini wax? COMET I would shrug, but I can't, so I'll just say - "shrug." MARY-KATE Oh Comet, I always do this. Just yesterday, I asked a mannequin what she thought of a dress that I had taken right off of a personal shopper. COMET The truth is, the drugs are gonna catch up with you at some point. Just like I'm gonna catch up with that tail. MARY-KATE About that tail... COMET What? MARY-KATE That's you. COMET (beat) THIS WHOLE TIME? MARY-KATE I'm gonna miss talking to you, Comet. Even if you are just a voice in my head leftover from watching "March of the Penguins." COMET Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna go sleep for 18 hours. MARY-KATE Same. COMET Wait. MARY-KATE What? COMET Don't move. MARY-KATE What is it? COMET There's a red dot on you. A LASER POINTER RED DOT appears on her face. MARY-KATE Oh no! COMET Hold still. Comet's PAWS come into frame, trying to get at the red dot. MARY-KATE GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF! End.