Very Mary-Kate: Comet

By

Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich

          INT. APARTMENT - DAY

          Mary-Kate is in the kitchen.  It's unclear who she's talking
          to.

                              MARY-KATE
                    I need to ask you something.  And
                    I'm sorry to put you on the spot. 
                    But there's no one else closer to
                    me in the whole world.  So be
                    honest.  Do I do too many drugs?

          In the reverse, we reveal COMET, who's talking in this
          episode.  He sounds kind of like MORGAN FREEMAN.

                              COMET
                    No!

                              MARY-KATE
                    Really?

                              COMET
                    No, no, no, no, and meow - which,
                    by the way - means no.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oh my God.  Thank God.

                              COMET
                    But-

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oh no.  My least favorite
                    conjunction.

                              COMET
                    Just to play devil's advo-cat, you
                    should take my opinion with a grain
                    of salt, if not a whole sardine.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Gross.  Why?

                              COMET
                    In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a
                    talking cat.

                              MARY-KATE
                    That's what it is.  I was like,
                    what's changed?  Is he shedding? 
                    No collar?  But now I see it. 
                    You're talking, like human beings
                    do.

                              COMET
                    I could very well be the result of
                    a drug-induced hallucination, which
                    means...

                              MARY-KATE
                         (struggling)
                    You... telling me to do less
                    drugs...

                              COMET
                    Go on...

                              MARY-KATE
                    Is...

                              COMET
                    So close...

          Mary-Kate snores, asleep.  Comet's CAT PAW comes in and
          WHACKS her.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (startled awake)
                    AH.

                              COMET
                    You're not talking to me at all,
                    Mary-Kate.  You're talking to
                    yourself.

                              MARY-KATE
                    THIS WHOLE TIME?  But we had a
                    conversation about international
                    politics!

                              COMET
                    You just made that stuff up.

                              MARY-KATE
                    So the Gaza Strip isn't a type of
                    bikini wax?

                              COMET
                    I would shrug, but I can't, so I'll
                    just say - "shrug."

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oh Comet, I always do this.  Just
                    yesterday, I asked a mannequin what
                    she thought of a dress that I had
                    taken right off of a personal
                    shopper.

                              COMET
                    The truth is, the drugs are gonna
                    catch up with you at some point. 
                    Just like I'm gonna catch up with
                    that tail.

                              MARY-KATE
                    About that tail...

                              COMET
                    What?

                              MARY-KATE
                    That's you.

                              COMET
                         (beat)
                    THIS WHOLE TIME?

                              MARY-KATE
                    I'm gonna miss talking to you,
                    Comet.  Even if you are just a
                    voice in my head leftover from
                    watching "March of the Penguins."

                              COMET
                    Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna
                    go sleep for 18 hours.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Same.

                              COMET
                    Wait.

                              MARY-KATE
                    What?

                              COMET
                    Don't move.

                              MARY-KATE
                    What is it?

                              COMET
                    There's a red dot on you.

          A LASER POINTER RED DOT appears on her face.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Oh no!

                              COMET
                    Hold still.

          Comet's PAWS come into frame, trying to get at the red dot.

                              MARY-KATE
                    GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!

          End.