Join us as we celebrate the world's coolest religion, next to Jedi of course.
By Jenny Jaffe
INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT A bunch of NERDS: PAT, MURPH, EMILY, JENNY, JOSH, JEFF, and STREETER, sit around a long table that has been set for a fancy occasion. JEFF Thank you guys so much for being here. It means a lot to me that you all wanted to celebrate my heritage with me on this important night. REVEAL that everyone is dressed as different characters from the Star Wars universe. They all pick up a book from the table in front of them. JEFF Happy Star Wars day, everybody. May the Fourth be with you. Everyone opens their books (backwards, like we Jews do) in unison and reads. ALL "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..." CARD: "DARTH SEDER" INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT Josh does a blessing over a cup of blue milk. JOSH (Singing, as though a haftorah portion) Aunt Beru-chata Uncle Owen, Luke is going to become a Jedi. There are two suns on Tatooine. INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT Jeff reads out of the "Haggadah". JEFF And lo, though the R2 unit had a bad motivator, it brought forth the message of the Princess. Help Me, Obi Wan Kenobi, EVERYONE You're my only hope. JEFF And yea, Jeff makes a series of R2D2-style beeps and whistles, as though finishing a story. Everyone nods sagely. JOSH (Reading) And thus Luke learned the ways of the mysterious Force. EMILY It isn't that mysterious though, right? According to the prequels-- An audible GASP from everyone else. Jeff gets deadly serious. JEFF We do not acknowledge the New Testament. Emily backs down, scared. INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT JEFF We remove a drop from each of our glasses to recognize the sacrifice made by the brave X-Wing pilots. For Red Six. Everyone dips their pinky into their blue milk and then places a drop onto their plate. JEFF For Red Leader. Everyone dips their pinky into their blue milk and then places a drop onto their plate. JEFF For Red Eleven. Everyone dips their pinky into their blue milk and then places a drop onto their plate. INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT Jenny and David read emotionlessly from their books. JENNY Why is that on all other nights we don't have Star Wars themed, Passover-style dinners, but tonight I'm carrying a lightsaber and Kevin is dressed as a Wookie? Reveal KEVIN in the corner, dressed as Chewbacca. He does the Chewbacca noise. STREETER Because, young Padawan, tonight is the fourth of May, and this is the way our people, EVERYONE For nerdy are we, STREETER Have always traditionally celebrated. PAT So say we all. Everyone looks to Pat, confused. PAT Was that wrong? Sorry, I'm not Jewish. INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT Streeter dips a leek in a glass of water. MURPH ...And so we dip this bitter herb in salt water, just as Han Solo was dipped in carbonite. I love you. EVERYONE I know. INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT Emily runs in, holding half a pop-tart. Everyone else enters shortly after, looking disappointed. EMILY I found it! I found half a Star Wars pop tart! MURPH (Muttering, disappointed) Scruffy-looking, nerf-herding bitch. PAT They still make Star Wars pop tarts? Pat takes a bite out of one. JEFF No. I've been saving these since 2005. Pat makes a disgusted face, but continues eating it anyway. INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT Pat goes and opens the door. PAT Okay, the door is open for Anakin's ghost! JENNY Do you really think he'll come? The level of the glass of blue milk goes steadily down, as though someone is drinking. JENNY (Wide-eyed) It's a "May the Fourth" Miracle! INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT Everyone sings the Cantina Music, somehow somberly. INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT EVERYONE ...May we celebrate next year at the San Diego Comic Con. JEFF Only not. Everyone knows Comic Con isn't until July. END.