Darth Seder

By

Jenny Jaffe

          INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

          A bunch of NERDS: PAT, MURPH, EMILY, JENNY, JOSH, JEFF, and
          STREETER, sit around a long table that has been set for a
          fancy occasion. 

                              JEFF
                    Thank you guys so much for being
                    here.  It means a lot to me that
                    you all wanted to celebrate my
                    heritage with me on this important
                    night. 

          REVEAL that everyone is dressed as different characters from
          the Star Wars universe.  They all pick up a book from the
          table in front of them.

                              JEFF
                    Happy Star Wars day, everybody. 
                    May the Fourth be with you.

          Everyone opens their books (backwards, like we Jews do) in
          unison and reads.

                              ALL
                    "A long time ago, in a galaxy far,
                    far away..."

          CARD: "DARTH SEDER"

          INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

          Josh does a blessing over a cup of blue milk. 

                              JOSH
                         (Singing, as though a haftorah
                         portion)
                    Aunt Beru-chata Uncle Owen, Luke is
                    going to become a Jedi.  There are
                    two suns on Tatooine. 

          INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

          Jeff reads out of the "Haggadah".

                              JEFF
                    And lo, though the R2 unit had a
                    bad motivator, it brought forth the
                    message of the Princess.  Help Me,
                    Obi Wan Kenobi,

                              EVERYONE
                    You're my only hope.

                              JEFF
                    And yea,

          Jeff makes a series of R2D2-style beeps and whistles, as
          though finishing a story.  Everyone nods sagely.

                              JOSH
                         (Reading)
                    And thus Luke learned the ways of
                    the mysterious Force.

                              EMILY
                    It isn't that mysterious though,
                    right?  According to the prequels--

          An audible GASP from everyone else.  Jeff gets deadly
          serious.

                              JEFF
                    We do not acknowledge the New
                    Testament.

          Emily backs down, scared.

          INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

                              JEFF
                    We remove a drop from each of our
                    glasses to recognize the sacrifice
                    made by the brave X-Wing pilots.
                    For Red Six. 

          Everyone dips their pinky into their blue milk and then
          places a drop onto their plate.

                              JEFF
                    For Red Leader.

          Everyone dips their pinky into their blue milk and then
          places a drop onto their plate.

                              JEFF
                    For Red Eleven.

          Everyone dips their pinky into their blue milk and then
          places a drop onto their plate.

          INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

          Jenny and David read emotionlessly from their books.

                              JENNY
                    Why is that on all other nights we
                    don't have Star Wars themed,
                    Passover-style dinners, but tonight
                    I'm carrying a lightsaber and Kevin
                    is dressed as a Wookie?

          Reveal KEVIN in the corner, dressed as Chewbacca.  He does
          the Chewbacca noise.

                              STREETER
                    Because, young Padawan, tonight is
                    the fourth of May, and this is the
                    way our people,

                              EVERYONE
                    For nerdy are we,

                              STREETER
                    Have always traditionally
                    celebrated.

                              PAT
                    So say we all.

          Everyone looks to Pat, confused.

                              PAT
                    Was that wrong?  Sorry, I'm not
                    Jewish.

          INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

          Streeter dips a leek in a glass of water.

                              MURPH
                    ...And so we dip this bitter herb
                    in salt water, just as Han Solo was
                    dipped in carbonite.  I love you.

                              EVERYONE
                    I know.

          INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

          Emily runs in, holding half a pop-tart.  Everyone else
          enters shortly after, looking disappointed.

                              EMILY
                    I found it!  I found half a Star
                    Wars pop tart!

                              MURPH
                         (Muttering, disappointed)
                    Scruffy-looking, nerf-herding
                    bitch.

                              PAT
                    They still make Star Wars pop
                    tarts?

          Pat takes a bite out of one.

                              JEFF
                    No.  I've been saving these since
                    2005.

          Pat makes a disgusted face, but continues eating it anyway.

          INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

          Pat goes and opens the door.

                              PAT
                    Okay, the door is open for Anakin's
                    ghost!

                              JENNY
                    Do you really think he'll come?

          The level of the glass of blue milk goes steadily down, as
          though someone is drinking.

                              JENNY
                         (Wide-eyed)
                    It's a "May the Fourth" Miracle!

          INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

          Everyone sings the Cantina Music, somehow somberly.

          INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

                              EVERYONE
                    ...May we celebrate next year at
                    the San Diego Comic Con.

                              JEFF
                    Only not.  Everyone knows Comic Con
                    isn't until July.

          END.