Narnia Dogs Can't Stand
By Patrick Cassels & Emily Axford
EXT. NARNIA -- WOODS (LIKE A CHEAP PBS MOVIE)
Three very proper British children (older actors in silly
costumes), VIRGINIA, EDWARD and GEORGIE have just entered
the realm. They look around in wonder. Georgie is fat.
GEORGIE
Where are we, Edward?
EDWARD
I don't know, Georgie. We just
stepped through the cupboard and--
LUCIUS (O.C.)
And entered a magical realm!
REVEAL two talking wolves, LUCIUS and RUMPLEFUR,
standing on their hind legs.
LUCIUS
Greetings. I am Lucius, and this is
Rumplefur. We've been awaiting your
arrival.
VIRGINIA
(guarding younger siblings)
What do you want from us?
Lucius laughs and starts a dramatic speech. As he talks he
does a stately walk, but it's awkward and unbalanced, like a
dog that doesn't actually walk on two legs.
LUCIUS
We need your help. The White Witch
has stolen the throne. Only you
three can save our kingdom.
EDWARD
(off his walk)
Are you okay? Are you injured?
GEORGIE
(eating fudge)
Or... or dizzy?
RUMPLEFUR
We're fine! Stop wasting time. This
is a matter of great urgency!
In his anger, Rumplefur stomps his hind paw. This throws him
off balance. Hold on him for a beat as he sways to and fro.
(Note: we don't see below Rumplefur's waist yet.)
VIRGINIA
Beg your pardon, but you can walk
on all fours if that's more
comfortable.
Rumplefur and Lucius make APPALLED SCOFFING NOISES.
LUCIUS
We're quite comfortable on two
legs! After all, we are enchanted
animals who, who talk. And walk. On
two legs. If we were normal dogs,
could I do this?
RUMPLEFUR
Oh yeah watch this!
For 10 seconds Lucius with great effort does a weird, wobbly
shuffle back and forth. His dog legs shake with effort. The
kids stare, deadpan.
LUCIUS
That was supposed to be a tap
dance. The snow messed me up.
EDWARD
You don't need to impress us. You
talk. You live inside a cupboard.
RUMPLEFUR
Balderdash! We're not trying to
impress you. We're a noble race of
talking, definitely walking wolves.
Just then, BRYAN, another wolf, enters on all fours.
BRYAN
(in a stupid voice)
Three o'clock, guys! Time to sniff
each others' butts!
RUMPEFUR
We have visitors, Bryan. Humans.
BRYAN
Ah, geez.
Bryan walks to Lucius and uses him to shimmy onto his hind
legs, grunting with difficulty as he does it.
BRYAN
(now British)
Can I interest you in some lavender
cheese and elderberry wine?
He turns to a silver tray of food on a stump.
CLOSE UP on his doggy paws as they try and grab the wine and
food. He IMMEDIATELY knocks everything over.
BRYAN
F*&#.
RUMPLEFUR
Not a problem! We'll get that!
Rumplefur and Lucius try to bend down independently, but it
is unsuccessful. They doggy pant in their frustration.
LUCIUS
Gimme your paw. I mean hand.
In an awkward motion, Rumplefur supports Lucius as he bends
down. Finally, they just kick away the dishes.
LUCIUS
There we are, right as a raindrop.
Tell us, what was your journey
like?
VIRGINIA
It was the most fantastic thing. We
stepped inside mumsy's cupboard
right here...
All the kids turn around. There's nothing there.
EDWARD
But it was right there!
The kids turn back around. REVEAL all the wolves on all
fours, panting. Rumplefur is licking himself.
Busted, the wolves jump back up to two legs awkwardly.
RUMPLEFUR
OH! I just dropped my, uh, monocle.
VIRGINA
You weren't wearing a monocle.
BRYAN
(condescending)
Yah. Because he dropped it, kid.
LUCIUS
Easy, Bryan. We are in the company
of our kingdom's saviors.
(to children)
We bow before you, brave ones.
They stiffly and uncertainly lean forward. Two of them
instantly fall, the third barely catches himself.
LUCIUS
Okay, that counts as a bow!
GEORGIE
(pointing)
Are- are those bluejeans?
A quick PAN down Rumplefur's waist. REVEAL he is wearing
jeans -- tight little dad jeans with a cell phone clip.
CLOSE on the jeans as Rumplefur's paw caresses the denim.
RUMPLEFUR
Ah, these old things? No normal
wolf would wear these, eh?
Suddenly, a VIOLENT RUMBLE erupts.
EDWARD
What's going on?
RUMPLEFUR
It's the White Witch's army! Quick,
throw me that sword.
Georgie sees a sword stuck in the ground near him.
GEORGIE
You're a wolf. Why don't you just
attack them? Like- like a wolf?
RUMPLEFUR
What? No time to talk. Give me the
damn sword!
Georgie hands Rumplefur the sword.
RUMPLEFUR
She shall taste my steel!
Rumplefur fumbles the sword like a cat with a toy, mumbling
to himself: "Oop, almost got it.. Hold on..."
LUCIUS
(to children)
Come with us! Speed is of the
essence!
Lucius and Bryan hop on two bikes, pedal and INSTANTLY fall.
LUCIUS/BRYAN
Ouch ouch! Owwwwwwww!
Bryan and Lucius roll around, howling like dogs. END.
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Script
Narnia Dogs Can't Stand
EXT. NARNIA -- WOODS (LIKE A CHEAP PBS MOVIE) Three very proper British children (older actors in silly costumes), VIRGINIA, EDWARD and GEORGIE have just entered the realm. They look around in wonder. Georgie is fat. GEORGIE Where are we, Edward? EDWARD I don't know, Georgie. We just stepped through the cupboard and-- LUCIUS (O.C.) And entered a magical realm! REVEAL two talking wolves, LUCIUS and RUMPLEFUR, standing on their hind legs. LUCIUS Greetings. I am Lucius, and this is Rumplefur. We've been awaiting your arrival. VIRGINIA (guarding younger siblings) What do you want from us? Lucius laughs and starts a dramatic speech. As he talks he does a stately walk, but it's awkward and unbalanced, like a dog that doesn't actually walk on two legs. LUCIUS We need your help. The White Witch has stolen the throne. Only you three can save our kingdom. EDWARD (off his walk) Are you okay? Are you injured? GEORGIE (eating fudge) Or... or dizzy? RUMPLEFUR We're fine! Stop wasting time. This is a matter of great urgency! In his anger, Rumplefur stomps his hind paw. This throws him off balance. Hold on him for a beat as he sways to and fro. (Note: we don't see below Rumplefur's waist yet.) VIRGINIA Beg your pardon, but you can walk on all fours if that's more comfortable. Rumplefur and Lucius make APPALLED SCOFFING NOISES. LUCIUS We're quite comfortable on two legs! After all, we are enchanted animals who, who talk. And walk. On two legs. If we were normal dogs, could I do this? RUMPLEFUR Oh yeah watch this! For 10 seconds Lucius with great effort does a weird, wobbly shuffle back and forth. His dog legs shake with effort. The kids stare, deadpan. LUCIUS That was supposed to be a tap dance. The snow messed me up. EDWARD You don't need to impress us. You talk. You live inside a cupboard. RUMPLEFUR Balderdash! We're not trying to impress you. We're a noble race of talking, definitely walking wolves. Just then, BRYAN, another wolf, enters on all fours. BRYAN (in a stupid voice) Three o'clock, guys! Time to sniff each others' butts! RUMPEFUR We have visitors, Bryan. Humans. BRYAN Ah, geez. Bryan walks to Lucius and uses him to shimmy onto his hind legs, grunting with difficulty as he does it. BRYAN (now British) Can I interest you in some lavender cheese and elderberry wine? He turns to a silver tray of food on a stump. CLOSE UP on his doggy paws as they try and grab the wine and food. He IMMEDIATELY knocks everything over. BRYAN F*&#. RUMPLEFUR Not a problem! We'll get that! Rumplefur and Lucius try to bend down independently, but it is unsuccessful. They doggy pant in their frustration. LUCIUS Gimme your paw. I mean hand. In an awkward motion, Rumplefur supports Lucius as he bends down. Finally, they just kick away the dishes. LUCIUS There we are, right as a raindrop. Tell us, what was your journey like? VIRGINIA It was the most fantastic thing. We stepped inside mumsy's cupboard right here... All the kids turn around. There's nothing there. EDWARD But it was right there! The kids turn back around. REVEAL all the wolves on all fours, panting. Rumplefur is licking himself. Busted, the wolves jump back up to two legs awkwardly. RUMPLEFUR OH! I just dropped my, uh, monocle. VIRGINA You weren't wearing a monocle. BRYAN (condescending) Yah. Because he dropped it, kid. LUCIUS Easy, Bryan. We are in the company of our kingdom's saviors. (to children) We bow before you, brave ones. They stiffly and uncertainly lean forward. Two of them instantly fall, the third barely catches himself. LUCIUS Okay, that counts as a bow! GEORGIE (pointing) Are- are those bluejeans? A quick PAN down Rumplefur's waist. REVEAL he is wearing jeans -- tight little dad jeans with a cell phone clip. CLOSE on the jeans as Rumplefur's paw caresses the denim. RUMPLEFUR Ah, these old things? No normal wolf would wear these, eh? Suddenly, a VIOLENT RUMBLE erupts. EDWARD What's going on? RUMPLEFUR It's the White Witch's army! Quick, throw me that sword. Georgie sees a sword stuck in the ground near him. GEORGIE You're a wolf. Why don't you just attack them? Like- like a wolf? RUMPLEFUR What? No time to talk. Give me the damn sword! Georgie hands Rumplefur the sword. RUMPLEFUR She shall taste my steel! Rumplefur fumbles the sword like a cat with a toy, mumbling to himself: "Oop, almost got it.. Hold on..." LUCIUS (to children) Come with us! Speed is of the essence! Lucius and Bryan hop on two bikes, pedal and INSTANTLY fall. LUCIUS/BRYAN Ouch ouch! Owwwwwwww! Bryan and Lucius roll around, howling like dogs. END.Credits
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