Narnia Dogs Can't Stand
By
Patrick Cassels & Emily Axford
EXT. NARNIA -- WOODS (LIKE A CHEAP PBS MOVIE)
Three very proper British children (older actors in silly
costumes), VIRGINIA, EDWARD and GEORGIE have just entered
the realm. They look around in wonder. Georgie is fat.
GEORGIE
Where are we, Edward?
EDWARD
I don't know, Georgie. We just
stepped through the cupboard and--
LUCIUS (O.C.)
And entered a magical realm!
REVEAL two talking wolves, LUCIUS and RUMPLEFUR,
standing on their hind legs.
LUCIUS
Greetings. I am Lucius, and this is
Rumplefur. We've been awaiting your
arrival.
VIRGINIA
(guarding younger siblings)
What do you want from us?
Lucius laughs and starts a dramatic speech. As he talks he
does a stately walk, but it's awkward and unbalanced, like a
dog that doesn't actually walk on two legs.
LUCIUS
We need your help. The White Witch
has stolen the throne. Only you
three can save our kingdom.
EDWARD
(off his walk)
Are you okay? Are you injured?
GEORGIE
(eating fudge)
Or... or dizzy?
RUMPLEFUR
We're fine! Stop wasting time. This
is a matter of great urgency!
In his anger, Rumplefur stomps his hind paw. This throws him
off balance. Hold on him for a beat as he sways to and fro.
(Note: we don't see below Rumplefur's waist yet.)
VIRGINIA
Beg your pardon, but you can walk
on all fours if that's more
comfortable.
Rumplefur and Lucius make APPALLED SCOFFING NOISES.
LUCIUS
We're quite comfortable on two
legs! After all, we are enchanted
animals who, who talk. And walk. On
two legs. If we were normal dogs,
could I do this?
RUMPLEFUR
Oh yeah watch this!
For 10 seconds Lucius with great effort does a weird, wobbly
shuffle back and forth. His dog legs shake with effort. The
kids stare, deadpan.
LUCIUS
That was supposed to be a tap
dance. The snow messed me up.
EDWARD
You don't need to impress us. You
talk. You live inside a cupboard.
RUMPLEFUR
Balderdash! We're not trying to
impress you. We're a noble race of
talking, definitely walking wolves.
Just then, BRYAN, another wolf, enters on all fours.
BRYAN
(in a stupid voice)
Three o'clock, guys! Time to sniff
each others' butts!
RUMPEFUR
We have visitors, Bryan. Humans.
BRYAN
Ah, geez.
Bryan walks to Lucius and uses him to shimmy onto his hind
legs, grunting with difficulty as he does it.
BRYAN
(now British)
Can I interest you in some lavender
cheese and elderberry wine?
He turns to a silver tray of food on a stump.
CLOSE UP on his doggy paws as they try and grab the wine and
food. He IMMEDIATELY knocks everything over.
BRYAN
F*&#.
RUMPLEFUR
Not a problem! We'll get that!
Rumplefur and Lucius try to bend down independently, but it
is unsuccessful. They doggy pant in their frustration.
LUCIUS
Gimme your paw. I mean hand.
In an awkward motion, Rumplefur supports Lucius as he bends
down. Finally, they just kick away the dishes.
LUCIUS
There we are, right as a raindrop.
Tell us, what was your journey
like?
VIRGINIA
It was the most fantastic thing. We
stepped inside mumsy's cupboard
right here...
All the kids turn around. There's nothing there.
EDWARD
But it was right there!
The kids turn back around. REVEAL all the wolves on all
fours, panting. Rumplefur is licking himself.
Busted, the wolves jump back up to two legs awkwardly.
RUMPLEFUR
OH! I just dropped my, uh, monocle.
VIRGINA
You weren't wearing a monocle.
BRYAN
(condescending)
Yah. Because he dropped it, kid.
LUCIUS
Easy, Bryan. We are in the company
of our kingdom's saviors.
(to children)
We bow before you, brave ones.
They stiffly and uncertainly lean forward. Two of them
instantly fall, the third barely catches himself.
LUCIUS
Okay, that counts as a bow!
GEORGIE
(pointing)
Are- are those bluejeans?
A quick PAN down Rumplefur's waist. REVEAL he is wearing
jeans -- tight little dad jeans with a cell phone clip.
CLOSE on the jeans as Rumplefur's paw caresses the denim.
RUMPLEFUR
Ah, these old things? No normal
wolf would wear these, eh?
Suddenly, a VIOLENT RUMBLE erupts.
EDWARD
What's going on?
RUMPLEFUR
It's the White Witch's army! Quick,
throw me that sword.
Georgie sees a sword stuck in the ground near him.
GEORGIE
You're a wolf. Why don't you just
attack them? Like- like a wolf?
RUMPLEFUR
What? No time to talk. Give me the
damn sword!
Georgie hands Rumplefur the sword.
RUMPLEFUR
She shall taste my steel!
Rumplefur fumbles the sword like a cat with a toy, mumbling
to himself: "Oop, almost got it.. Hold on..."
LUCIUS
(to children)
Come with us! Speed is of the
essence!
Lucius and Bryan hop on two bikes, pedal and INSTANTLY fall.
LUCIUS/BRYAN
Ouch ouch! Owwwwwwww!
Bryan and Lucius roll around, howling like dogs. END.
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