Very Maggie Smith: The Case of the Cracked Teacup

By

Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich 

          INT. SITTING ROOM - DAY

          BUTLER enters with a KETTLE in one hand and TRAY in the
          other.  MAGGIE SMITH sits in a chair with a teacup and
          saucer, waiting.

                              BUTLER
                    More tea, m'lady?

                              MAGGIE
                    One can never have enough tea,
                    unless one is drowning.

                              BUTLER
                         (filling up her cup)
                    Let me know and I'll send a buoy.

                              MAGGIE
                    For now, a biscotti will suffice.

                              BUTLER
                    Aye-aye.

          Butler turns to leave.

                              MAGGIE
                    And a handle.

                              BUTLER
                    A handle?

                              MAGGIE
                    Yes.  Like a proper mustache, my
                    teacup seems to be quite
                    handle-less.

                              BUTLER
                    I beg pardon, m'lady.  I don't know
                    how that happened.

                              MAGGIE
                    Then I'll tell you.  I grabbed hold
                    of it, and it snapped.  Right. 
                    Off.

                              BUTLER
                    Really?  How, I wonder.

                              MAGGIE
                         ("obviously")
                    Well, if my bones are any
                    indication, then what breaks once
                    breaks twice more easily.

                              BUTLER
                    You mean to say...

                              MAGGIE
                    It was broke already.  And crudely
                    glued, like Ikean furniture.

                              BUTLER
                         ("say no more")
                    I will launch an investigation at
                    once.

                              MAGGIE
                    That won't be necessary.  I cracked
                    it.

                              BUTLER
                    "You" cracked the cup?

                              MAGGIE
                    No, the case.  I cracked the case
                    of the cracked cup, and criminal I
                    cannot confess to be.

                              BUTLER
                    Pray tell: whodunnit?

                              MAGGIE
                    It's elementary. 

          We launch into Sherlock-style inserts as Maggie talks
          rapidly.

                              MAGGIE (VO)
                    There's a brown stain peaking out
                    from the back of your tie,
                    indicating a spill that you cleaned
                    up in a hurry, otherwise you would
                    have used a washcloth; the skin on
                    the back of your left hand is red,
                    indicating a burn from hot water;
                    there's no one here apart from me
                    and I didn't do it; and finally -
                    inexperienced as you are with
                    superglue - you must have got more
                    on your hands than you did the cup,
                    which is why you've refreshed my
                    tea seven times in the last hour:
                    you've glued yourself to the
                    kettle.

          A beat.  Then, butler raises his hands.  The kettle and tray
          defy gravity, proving that he's accidentally glued himself
          to them.

                              BUTLER
                    Please help.

                              MAGGIE
                    Very well.  But first, a song.

                              BUTLER
                         (sigh)
                    A little dignity, please.

                              MAGGIE
                    "A little teacup," please.

                              BUTLER
                         (singing)
                    I'm a little teacup, short and
                    stout...

          Maggie sways back and forth, entertained.

          END.