From CH Staff on
You don't need to be a family to be dysfunctional.
By CH Writing Staff
OFFICE JENNY, SAM, PAT, and ADAM are rehearsing a sketch. SAM is dressed as the Sand Man (whatever that means). VIN is shooting. Adam peeks out from the WRITERS room. ADAM Okay, so I walk out before or after Sam says he's come for my eye boogers? SAM After. Because I'm gonna go, "COME OUT. I'VE COME FOR YOUR EYE BOOGERS" VIN Guys, we should shoot. It's getting late. Just then, DIVORCED DAD enters (Josh or superfuckingawesome cameo), looking disheveled in a tweed blazer and jeans. DIVORCED DAD Adam! Addy! Where are you buddy? JENNY Hey. He's not supposed to be here. You're not supposed to be here, Roger. VIN What's going on? SAM Jenny's Adam's mom. That's her ex. She remarried Pat. Go with it. VIN Roger that. SAM Yup, Roger. PAT (I'll take care of this") Hey! Roger! How are ya? Listen, Jenny's really upset. You're not supposed to see Adam until Saturday. DIVORCED DAD Get your fucking hands off me. You're not the boy's father. I can see my son whenever I want to. ADAM! Adam confusedly peeks his head out from the writer's room. JENNY Roger, you can't keep dropping by like this! PAT And, ya know, in the middle of the All-Nighter and all... Pat puts his hands on her shoulders. Jenny shrugs them off. DIVORCED DAD Dropping by here like what? Like a loving father who wants to see his son? I just want to SEE MY SON! ADAM I'm right here, Dad. Stop yelling. DIVORCED DAD There's my boy! My big boy! Divorced Dad guns it for the door, Jenny and Pat behind him. Dad slams the door in their face, lockng it. Jenny bans on the door, hysterical. JENNY Open the door, Roger! OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR! PAT C'mon, Bob. You can see him Saturday. INT. WRITER'S (ADAM'S) ROOM Adam is suddenly on the couch under covers with a frown on his face. Jenny and Pat continue to bang on the door. DIVORCED DAD How's my boy doing? You doing good? You having fun? ADAM What are you doing here? Jenny is screaming through the glass, shit like: "YOU'RE A PIG, BOB!" etc. Dad keeps a calm voice until he yells back. DIVORCED DAD You always worked so hard. Always such a hard worker STOP BANGING ON THE GODDAMN DOOR, GODDAMMIT! Hey, I got you something. You want a present? ADAM Not really. DIVORCED DAD Baseball cards. Mickey Mantle. All of em. Bob Harrison. Peter Mackintosh. S'all of them, see? He hands a bunch of BASEBALL CARDS to Adam in a ziplock bag. ADAM I'm pretty sure the latter two guys are not baseball players. JENNY THAT'S IT, YOU BASTARD! I'M CALLING THE POLICE! DIVORCED DAD GODDAMMIT JENNY, THE FUCKIN KID IS SIX YEARS OLD, YOU CAN'T GIVE HIM FIVE MINUTES WITH HIS FATHER? ADAM I'm not six. DIVORCED DAD Hey, kiddo, remember that time we said we'd go to that big aquarium in Boston? Let's go. Right now. ADAM At 3 o' clock in the morning? DIVORCED DAD Never too late for a fishing trip right? TWO POLICEMAN (Murph & Kev) are at the door. MURPH COP Open the door, right now, sir. DIVORCED DAD GIMME A FUCKING SECOND! Listen, daddy's gotta go. But I want you to know that I love you. You understand? Do you understand? ADAM I- DIVORCED DAD Tell me you understand that daddy would do anything for you. I would fucking kill literally anyone for you. Now gimme a kiss. Adam reluctantly kisses his "dad." ADAM Okay. Please go now. DIVORCED DAD Daddy loves you too, kiddo. Be good. Dad opens the door. Jenny freaks out, starts pounding away at his chest. The cops hold her back. JENNY You're an animal! You're an animal! You hear me? DIVORCED DAD Oh what do you know about animals? You treat your son like an animal, you know that? All cooped up in there like that? PAT Okay, officers, it's totally fine. We don't want to press charges. Bog, if you could just go, we'd really apprec- Divorced Dad punches Pat in the face. His nose literally explodes with blood. Pat keeps his calm, cool dad demeanor. JENNY How dare you! YOU PIG! GET OUTTA HERE! PAT (plugging his nose with a pinky finger) It's fine. Please don't press charges. I'm totally fine. He's the real father. He's the real father. It's totally fine. Pat passes out.