You don't need to be a family to be dysfunctional.
By CH Writing Staff
JENNY, SAM, PAT, and ADAM are rehearsing a sketch. SAM is
dressed as the Sand Man (whatever that means). VIN is
Adam peeks out from the WRITERS room.
Okay, so I walk out before or after
Sam says he's come for my eye
After. Because I'm gonna go, "COME
OUT. I'VE COME FOR YOUR EYE
Guys, we should shoot. It's
Just then, DIVORCED DAD enters (Josh or superfuckingawesome
cameo), looking disheveled in a tweed blazer and jeans.
Adam! Addy! Where are you buddy?
Hey. He's not supposed to be
here. You're not supposed to be
What's going on?
Jenny's Adam's mom. That's her
ex. She remarried Pat. Go with
(I'll take care of this")
Hey! Roger! How are ya? Listen,
Jenny's really upset. You're not
supposed to see Adam until
Get your fucking hands off me.
You're not the boy's father. I can
see my son whenever I want to.
Adam confusedly peeks his head out from the writer's room.
Roger, you can't keep dropping by
And, ya know, in the middle of the
All-Nighter and all...
Pat puts his hands on her shoulders. Jenny shrugs them off.
Dropping by here like what? Like a
loving father who wants to see his
son? I just want to SEE MY SON!
I'm right here, Dad. Stop yelling.
There's my boy! My big boy!
Divorced Dad guns it for the door, Jenny and Pat behind
him. Dad slams the door in their face, lockng it. Jenny
bans on the door, hysterical.
Open the door, Roger! OPEN THE
C'mon, Bob. You can see him
INT. WRITER'S (ADAM'S) ROOM
Adam is suddenly on the couch under covers with a frown on
his face. Jenny and Pat continue to bang on the door.
How's my boy doing? You doing
good? You having fun?
What are you doing here?
Jenny is screaming through the glass, shit like: "YOU'RE A
PIG, BOB!" etc. Dad keeps a calm voice until he yells back.
You always worked so hard. Always
such a hard worker STOP BANGING ON
THE GODDAMN DOOR, GODDAMMIT! Hey,
I got you something. You want a
Baseball cards. Mickey Mantle.
All of em. Bob Harrison. Peter
Mackintosh. S'all of them, see?
He hands a bunch of BASEBALL CARDS to Adam in a ziplock bag.
I'm pretty sure the latter two guys
are not baseball players.
THAT'S IT, YOU BASTARD! I'M
CALLING THE POLICE!
GODDAMMIT JENNY, THE FUCKIN KID IS
SIX YEARS OLD, YOU CAN'T GIVE HIM
FIVE MINUTES WITH HIS FATHER?
I'm not six.
Hey, kiddo, remember that time we
said we'd go to that big aquarium
in Boston? Let's go. Right now.
At 3 o' clock in the morning?
Never too late for a fishing trip
TWO POLICEMAN (Murph & Kev) are at the door.
Open the door, right now, sir.
GIMME A FUCKING SECOND! Listen,
daddy's gotta go. But I want you
to know that I love you. You
understand? Do you understand?
Tell me you understand that daddy
would do anything for you. I would
fucking kill literally anyone for
you. Now gimme a kiss.
Adam reluctantly kisses his "dad."
Okay. Please go now.
Daddy loves you too, kiddo. Be
Dad opens the door. Jenny freaks out, starts pounding away
at his chest. The cops hold her back.
You're an animal! You're an
animal! You hear me?
Oh what do you know about animals?
You treat your son like an animal,
you know that? All cooped up in
there like that?
Okay, officers, it's totally fine.
We don't want to press charges.
Bog, if you could just go, we'd
Divorced Dad punches Pat in the face. His nose literally
explodes with blood. Pat keeps his calm, cool dad demeanor.
How dare you! YOU PIG! GET OUTTA
(plugging his nose with a
It's fine. Please don't press
charges. I'm totally fine. He's
the real father. He's the real
father. It's totally fine.
Pat passes out.