Hardly Working: Divorced Dad

By

CH Writing Staff

          OFFICE

          JENNY, SAM, PAT, and ADAM are rehearsing a sketch.  SAM is 
	  dressed as the Sand Man (whatever that means).  VIN is
	  shooting.

         Adam peeks out from the WRITERS room.

                              ADAM
                   Okay, so I walk out before or after 
		   Sam says he's come for my eye
		   boogers?

                             SAM
                   After.  Because I'm gonna go, "COME
		   OUT.  I'VE COME FOR YOUR EYE
		   BOOGERS"

                              VIN
                   Guys, we should shoot.  It's
		   getting late.

         Just then, DIVORCED DAD enters (Josh or superfuckingawesome
	 cameo), looking disheveled in a tweed blazer and jeans.

                             DIVORCED DAD
                   Adam!  Addy!  Where are you buddy?

                            JENNY
                   Hey.  He's not supposed to be
		   here.  You're not supposed to be
		   here, Roger.

                             VIN
                   What's going on?

                             SAM
                   Jenny's Adam's mom.  That's her
		   ex.  She remarried Pat.  Go with
                   it.

                              VIN
                   Roger that.

                              SAM
                   Yup, Roger.

                              PAT
                        (I'll take care of this")
                   Hey!  Roger!  How are ya?  Listen,
                   Jenny's really upset.  You're not
                   supposed to see Adam until
                   Saturday.

                             DIVORCED DAD
                   Get your fucking hands off me. 
                   You're not the boy's father.  I can
                   see my son whenever I want to. 
                   ADAM!

          Adam confusedly peeks his head out from the writer's room.

                              JENNY
                   Roger, you can't keep dropping by
                   like this!

                              PAT
                   And, ya know, in the middle of the
                   All-Nighter and all...

          Pat puts his hands on her shoulders.  Jenny shrugs them off.

                             DIVORCED DAD
                   Dropping by here like what?  Like a
                   loving father who wants to see his
                   son?  I just want to SEE MY SON!

                              ADAM
                   I'm right here, Dad.  Stop yelling.

                             DIVORCED DAD
                   There's my boy!  My big boy!

          Divorced Dad guns it for the door, Jenny and Pat behind
         him.  Dad slams the door in their face, lockng it.  Jenny
         bans on the door, hysterical.

                              JENNY
                   Open the door, Roger!  OPEN THE
                   GODDAMN DOOR!

                             PAT
                   C'mon, Bob.  You can see him
                   Saturday.

         INT. WRITER'S (ADAM'S) ROOM

         Adam is suddenly on the couch under covers with a frown on
         his face.  Jenny and Pat continue to bang on the door.

                              DIVORCED DAD
                   How's my boy doing?  You doing
                   good?  You having fun?

                             ADAM
                   What are you doing here?

          Jenny is screaming through the glass, shit like: "YOU'RE A
         PIG, BOB!" etc.  Dad keeps a calm voice until he yells back.

                             DIVORCED DAD
                   You always worked so hard.  Always
                   such a hard worker STOP BANGING ON
                   THE GODDAMN DOOR, GODDAMMIT!  Hey,
                   I got you something.  You want a
                   present?

                             ADAM
                   Not really.

                              DIVORCED DAD
                   Baseball cards.  Mickey Mantle. 
                   All of em.  Bob Harrison.  Peter
                   Mackintosh.  S'all of them, see?

          He hands a bunch of BASEBALL CARDS to Adam in a ziplock bag.

                              ADAM
                   I'm pretty sure the latter two guys
                    are not baseball players.

                              JENNY
                   THAT'S IT, YOU BASTARD!  I'M
                   CALLING THE POLICE!

                              DIVORCED DAD
                   GODDAMMIT JENNY, THE FUCKIN KID IS
                   SIX YEARS OLD, YOU CAN'T GIVE HIM
                   FIVE MINUTES WITH HIS FATHER?

                             ADAM
                   I'm not six.

                              DIVORCED DAD
                   Hey, kiddo, remember that time we
                   said we'd go to that big aquarium
                   in Boston?  Let's go.  Right now.

                              ADAM
                   At 3 o' clock in the morning?

                              DIVORCED DAD
                   Never too late for a fishing trip
                   right?

          TWO POLICEMAN (Murph & Kev) are at the door.

                              MURPH COP
                   Open the door, right now, sir.

                              DIVORCED DAD
                   GIMME A FUCKING SECOND!  Listen,
                   daddy's gotta go.  But I want you
                   to know that I love you.  You
                   understand?  Do you understand?

                              ADAM
                   I-

                              DIVORCED DAD
                   Tell me you understand that daddy
                   would do anything for you.  I would
                   fucking kill literally anyone for
                   you.  Now gimme a kiss.

          Adam reluctantly kisses his "dad."

                              ADAM
                   Okay.  Please go now.

                             DIVORCED DAD
                   Daddy loves you too, kiddo.  Be
                   good.

         Dad opens the door.  Jenny freaks out, starts pounding away
         at his chest.  The cops hold her back.

                              JENNY
                   You're an animal!  You're an
                   animal!  You hear me?

                              DIVORCED DAD
                   Oh what do you know about animals? 
                   You treat your son like an animal,
                   you know that?  All cooped up in
                   there like that?

                             PAT
                   Okay, officers, it's totally fine. 
                   We don't want to press charges. 
                   Bog, if you could just go, we'd
                   really apprec-

          Divorced Dad punches Pat in the face.  His nose literally
         explodes with blood.  Pat keeps his calm, cool dad demeanor.

                              JENNY
                   How dare you!  YOU PIG!  GET OUTTA
                   HERE!

                             PAT
                        (plugging his nose with a
                        pinky finger)
                   It's fine.  Please don't press
                   charges.  I'm totally fine.  He's
                   the real father.  He's the real
                   father.  It's totally fine.

          Pat passes out.