Dan is painfully unfunny.
By CH Writing Staff
WRITER'S ROOM Sam, Emily, Dan and Jenny sit in the writer's room. SAM OK, we still have to make a few more videos tonight. Any ideas? DAN So, like, you know how cheetos turn your fingers orange? Well, what if other foods did that, right? So I'm eating a banana and I'm all, "Yikers! Nanners turned my fingies yeller!" Groans all around. SAM Dan, back to the drawing board. An OMINOUS MUSICAL STING. Everyone looks terrified. DAN Sam, please... SAM (menacingly) Back to the drawing board, Dan! Streeter and Pat enter as medieval torturer henchmen. They're both filthy and speaking in thick cockney accents. They wear peasant garb. They grab Dan and drag him away. DAN SAM! PLEASE! STREETER He's gonna like you, boy'o! PAT He's gonna like you bunches, mate! CUT TO INT. TORTURE CHAMBER Streeter and Pat drag into the torture chamber, ruled by Gabrus, dressed as an inquisition torturer. GABRUS (high british accent) What have we here? STREETER Writer wif bad ideas, sir. PAT Sam sent 'im back to the drawing board. GABRUS I see. Streeter and Pat hoist Dan onto the Drawing Board, a medieval torture device like the rack. Dan is screaming. Gabrus takes a big scythe and cuts his shirt open (like in Braveheart) GABRUS Perhaps, young man, this will draw an idea from your thick skull? Gabrus turns a wheel and stretches Dan. Dan screams. DAN OK! OK! SO YOU KNOW NEW CAR SMELL? WELL A GUY BUYS A NEW CAR BUT INSTEAD IT SMELLS LIKE A NEW PAIR OF SNEAKERS AND HE'S ALL 'HEY, YOU GOT YOUR NEW SMELLS MIXED UP!' GABRUS Oh, I'm afraid that's just not funny enough. STREETER I don't fink he likes 'at one, mate. Streeter and Pat laugh like doofs. Gabrus takes out a pair of tong things and pulls Dan's pants off. DAN Wait, WAIT! So you know how you can never get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube? It's a song about that! GABRUS You cannot be serious, can you? Why, it's as if you desire a holy comedy cleansing! Gabrus does something with the tongs, causing Dan to scream and cry. PAT Give it to 'im! More! Gabrus starts piling weights on top of Dan's chest. GABRUS Perhaps, gentlemen, our writer here will think better under a bit of pressure, no? DAN (strained) JewLu: Jewish Hulu. GABRUS I like that. DAN Really. GABRUS NO! PAT You fink people wanna watch that rubbish?! Gabrus puts more weight on. DAN Mr. Driver's Ed, a horse driving instructor. GABRUS Surrender your body to the holy craft of comedy! He piles more weight on, Dan is almost dead. DAN (passing out) Law and Odor: Silent but Deadly Unit... Gabrus chuckles. Pat and Streeter laughs like goons. PAT I'd watch that! STREETER I like it cuz it's two fings I know about but haf'nt fought of togefer. GABRUS The drawing board produces yet another fantastic idea! What would we do without it? Gabrus pulls the weights off. CUT TO INT. OFFICE. We're in the sketch. Dan and Emily are dressed like detectives. Kevin is the dead body. DAN Once the gnarly beef wind enter his nose, it was al over. His body went into anaphylactic shock. EMILY Beans, beans aren't always good for your heart. The law and order "CHU-CHU sound" but as farts. End.