Hardly Working: Drawing Board

By

CH Writing Staff

          WRITER'S ROOM

          Sam, Emily, Dan and Jenny sit in the writer's room.

                              SAM
                    OK, we still have to make a few
                    more videos tonight. Any ideas?

                              DAN
                    So, like, you know how cheetos turn
                    your fingers orange? Well, what if
                    other foods did that, right? So I'm
                    eating a banana and I'm all,
                    "Yikers! Nanners turned my fingies
                    yeller!"

          Groans all around.

                              SAM
                    Dan, back to the drawing board.

          An OMINOUS MUSICAL STING. Everyone looks terrified.

                              DAN
                    Sam, please...

                              SAM
                         (menacingly)
                    Back to the drawing board, Dan!

          Streeter and Pat enter as medieval torturer henchmen.
          They're both filthy and speaking in thick cockney accents.
          They wear peasant garb. They grab Dan and drag him away.

                              DAN
                    SAM! PLEASE!

                              STREETER
                    He's gonna like you, boy'o!

                              PAT
                    He's gonna like you bunches, mate!

                                                           CUT TO

          INT. TORTURE CHAMBER

          Streeter and Pat drag into the torture chamber, ruled by
          Gabrus, dressed as an inquisition torturer.

                              GABRUS
                         (high british accent)
                    What have we here?

                              STREETER
                    Writer wif bad ideas, sir.

                              PAT
                    Sam sent 'im back to the drawing
                    board.

                              GABRUS
                    I see.

          Streeter and Pat hoist Dan onto the Drawing Board, a
          medieval torture device like the rack. Dan is screaming.
          Gabrus takes a big scythe and cuts his shirt open (like in
          Braveheart)

                              GABRUS
                    Perhaps, young man, this will draw
                    an idea from your thick skull?

          Gabrus turns a wheel and stretches Dan. Dan screams.

                              DAN
                    OK! OK! SO YOU KNOW NEW CAR SMELL?
                    WELL A GUY BUYS A NEW CAR BUT
                    INSTEAD IT SMELLS LIKE A NEW PAIR
                    OF SNEAKERS AND HE'S ALL 'HEY, YOU
                    GOT YOUR NEW SMELLS MIXED UP!'

                              GABRUS
                    Oh, I'm afraid that's just not
                    funny enough.

                              STREETER
                    I don't fink he likes 'at one,
                    mate.

          Streeter and Pat laugh like doofs. Gabrus takes out a pair
          of tong things and pulls Dan's pants off.

                              DAN
                    Wait, WAIT! So you know how you can
                    never get the last bit of
                    toothpaste out of the tube? It's a
                    song about that!

                              GABRUS
                    You cannot be serious, can you?
                    Why, it's as if you desire a holy
                    comedy cleansing!

          Gabrus does something with the tongs, causing Dan to scream
          and cry.

                              PAT
                    Give it to 'im! More!

          Gabrus starts piling weights on top of Dan's chest.

                              GABRUS
                    Perhaps, gentlemen, our writer here
                    will think better under a bit of
                    pressure, no?

                              DAN
                         (strained)
                    JewLu: Jewish Hulu.

                              GABRUS
                    I like that.

                              DAN
                    Really.

                              GABRUS
                    NO!

                              PAT
                    You fink people wanna watch that
                    rubbish?!

          Gabrus puts more weight on.

                              DAN
                    Mr. Driver's Ed, a horse driving
                    instructor.

                              GABRUS
                    Surrender your body to the holy
                    craft of comedy!

          He piles more weight on, Dan is almost dead.

                              DAN
                         (passing out)
                    Law and Odor: Silent but Deadly
                    Unit...

          Gabrus chuckles. Pat and Streeter laughs like goons.

                              PAT
                    I'd watch that!

                              STREETER
                    I like it cuz it's two fings I know
                    about but haf'nt fought of togefer.

                              GABRUS
                    The drawing board produces yet
                    another fantastic idea! What would
                    we do without it?

          Gabrus pulls the weights off.

                                                           CUT TO

          INT. OFFICE.

          We're in the sketch. Dan and Emily are dressed like
          detectives. Kevin is the dead body.

                              DAN
                    Once the gnarly beef wind enter his
                    nose, it was al over. His body went
                    into anaphylactic shock.

                              EMILY
                    Beans, beans aren't always good for
                    your heart.

          The law and order "CHU-CHU sound" but as farts.

          End.