You'll never forget college, no matter how hard you try.
By CH Writing Staff
INT. OFFICE - DAN'S DESK PAT and DAN sit read copies of John Grisham's "The Firm." DAN We are in the hands of a master story-weaver. Two COLLEGE ALUMNI TYPES in blue hoodies and Oakleys (DAVID & SARAH in character) enter. They look around, amazed. SARAH (laughing) What happened to this place? DAVID Am I in topsy-turvy world or some shit? PAT Can we help you? David gives Pat a pound without looking at him. DAVID Nah, we're set. The door was locked so we kicked through some rotting drywall and let ourselves in. (motions to Sarah) She's Meliss. I'm Ched. We were in the 'hood and thought it'd be cool to check out our old stompin' ground. SARAH We used to go here. DAN You used to work here? DAVID No, you 'tard! We used to go to college here. PAT You went to college on the third floor of an office building? SARAH (motions to David) Well, he only went for two years, after he was kicked out of SUNY Oswego. Don't ask why, haha! Pat and DAN are silent. Beat. DAVID I made a Columbine joke when I MC'd orientation day, anyway I can't believe how different things are here now! Is this your desk, man? DAN Yeah. DAVID Okay, so when I went here this was my dorm! Can you believe that? DAN Not really. I think we'd know if you used to live where I'm sitting. DAVID Well actually, where you're sitting now is where Meliss's dorm was. SARAH (raises arms proudly) 13-B repreSENT! Sarah points to a POTTED PLANT. SARAH Wait. One. Crap. What's this? PAT A spruce. SARAH Aw, you got rid of the dining hall! WHY?! PAT Come on! You're telling me there was an entire dining hall there? SARAH (sarcastic) No, I'm not. I guess I imagined smuggling a sack of chicken fingers out of there in 2007. Do people here ever talk about that, by the way? PAT No. SARAH You sure? I was kind of a legend after that. "The DH Bandit?" PAT/DAN No./Absolutely not. DAVID Ugh. At least tell us Puke Tree is still here. PAT Do I even want to know what-- DAVID (annoyed) It was the tree where everyone got drunk and puked on Fridays. Hello?! It's like this place isn't even a college anymore. PAT It's not. It's a website. DAVID (nods) Psh. You're telling me. Total "website" up in here. PAT What? DAN Wait, Pat. I actually do remember a place that in the office that smells strongly of vomit. (points) Right over there. SARAH No, no that's where Puke Log was. DAVID Actually, I think that's where the bush used to be. Remember? The bush where everyone used to drink too much and throw up? SARAH Oh, yeah. Did that have a name? DAN I think you guys should leave. DAVID Fine. Yo, but we gotta get a snapshot with you guys before we go. SARAH Yeah, good idea. "The tradition continues" and junk. OWEN/PAT Fine./Whatever. They all gather. SAM walks quickly by. DAVID Hey man, can you take our photo? SAM (in pain) Not now! I'm gonna spew! PAT The bathroom's that way. SAM No time! I'm heading to Puke Tree. Sam runs over to a TREE and hurls. DAVID/SARAH It's still here!/Knew it! They run over to Sam, chanting "Puke Tree!" as he spews! END.