Hardly Working: Alumni (with David Young and Sarah Schneider)

By

CH Writing Staff

          INT. OFFICE - DAN'S DESK

          PAT and DAN sit read copies of John Grisham's "The Firm."

                              DAN
                    We are in the hands of a master
                    story-weaver.

          Two COLLEGE ALUMNI TYPES in blue hoodies and Oakleys (DAVID
          & SARAH in character) enter. They look around, amazed.

                              SARAH
                         (laughing)
                    What happened to this place?

                              DAVID
                    Am I in topsy-turvy world or some
                    shit?

                              PAT
                    Can we help you?

          David gives Pat a pound without looking at him.

                              DAVID
                    Nah, we're set. The door was locked
                    so we kicked through some rotting
                    drywall and let ourselves in.
                         (motions to Sarah)
                    She's Meliss. I'm Ched. We were in
                    the 'hood and thought it'd be cool
                    to check out our old stompin'
                    ground.

                              SARAH
                    We used to go here.

                              DAN
                    You used to work here?

                              DAVID
                    No, you 'tard! We used to go to
                    college here.

                              PAT
                    You went to college on the third
                    floor of an office building?

                              SARAH
                         (motions to David)
                    Well, he only went for two years,
                    after he was kicked out of SUNY
                    Oswego. Don't ask why, haha!

          Pat and DAN are silent. Beat.

                              DAVID
                    I made a Columbine joke when I MC'd
                    orientation day, anyway I can't
                    believe how different things are
                    here now! Is this your desk, man?

                              DAN
                    Yeah.

                              DAVID
                    Okay, so when I went here this was
                    my dorm! Can you believe that?

                              DAN
                    Not really. I think we'd know if
                    you used to live where I'm sitting.

                              DAVID
                    Well actually, where you're sitting
                    now is where Meliss's dorm was.

                              SARAH
                         (raises arms proudly)
                    13-B repreSENT!

          Sarah points to a POTTED PLANT.

                              SARAH
                    Wait. One. Crap. What's this?

                              PAT
                    A spruce.

                              SARAH
                    Aw, you got rid of the dining hall!
                    WHY?!

                              PAT
                    Come on! You're telling me there
                    was an entire dining hall there?

                              SARAH
                         (sarcastic)
                    No, I'm not. I guess I imagined
                    smuggling a sack of chicken fingers
                    out of there in 2007. Do people
                    here ever talk about that, by the
                    way?

                              PAT
                    No.

                              SARAH
                    You sure? I was kind of a legend
                    after that. "The DH Bandit?"

                              PAT/DAN
                    No./Absolutely not.

                              DAVID
                    Ugh. At least tell us Puke Tree is
                    still here.

                              PAT
                    Do I even want to know what--

                              DAVID
                         (annoyed)
                    It was the tree where everyone got
                    drunk and puked on Fridays. Hello?!
                    It's like this place isn't even a
                    college anymore.

                              PAT
                    It's not. It's a website.

                              DAVID
                         (nods)
                    Psh. You're telling me. Total
                    "website" up in here.

                              PAT
                    What?

                              DAN
                    Wait, Pat. I actually do remember a
                    place that in the office that
                    smells strongly of vomit.
                         (points)
                    Right over there.

                              SARAH
                    No, no that's where Puke Log was.

                              DAVID
                    Actually, I think that's where the
                    bush used to be. Remember? The bush
                    where everyone used to drink too
                    much and throw up?

                              SARAH
                    Oh, yeah. Did that have a name?

                              DAN
                    I think you guys should leave.

                              DAVID
                    Fine. Yo, but we gotta get a
                    snapshot with you guys before we
                    go.

                              SARAH
                    Yeah, good idea. "The tradition
                    continues" and junk.

                              OWEN/PAT
                    Fine./Whatever.

          They all gather. SAM walks quickly by.

                              DAVID
                    Hey man, can you take our photo?

                              SAM
                         (in pain)
                    Not now! I'm gonna spew!

                              PAT
                    The bathroom's that way.

                              SAM
                    No time! I'm heading to Puke Tree.

          Sam runs over to a TREE and hurls.

                              DAVID/SARAH
                    It's still here!/Knew it!

          They run over to Sam, chanting "Puke Tree!" as he spews!

          END.