Hardly Working: Rap Skits (with Dan Klein)

By

CH Writing Staff

          INT. OFFICE

          DAN and AMIR are looking at each other with their hands over
          their hearts, finishing the Pledge.

                              BOTH
                    One nation, under...

          Both pause to see if the other person is going to say "God"

                              AMIR
                    Phew. Neither of us said it.

          MURPH bursts in, decked in track suit and bling.

                              MURPH
                    I hate to be the guy who does this,
                    but my professionally produced full
                    length rap album just dropped and I
                    really wanna play it for you guys.

          He holds up an album. It says DJ Murph$$, "Surfin' N
          Turfin'" He's sandwiched between a pair of huge boobs and a
          big butt, both in bikinis.

                              AMIR
                    DJ Murphs?

                              MURPH
                    The dollar signs are silent.

                              DAN
                    Surfin' N Turfin?

                              MURPH
                    Oh yeaaaah, cause I wade in her
                    surf, then graze in her turf.

          He motions to first crotch, then butt.

                              DAN
                    Makes sense.

          He starts the first track.

                              TRACK 1
                         (urban girl)
                    Ring ring! Murph, this yo' baby
                    mom. Why ain't you been calling me.
                    You got biiiills to pay. Billls.

                              AMIR
                    Wow. A Rap Skit. Haven't heard one
                    of those in a while.

                              TRACK 2
                         ('white person' impression)
                    Hi, I'm with White People Records.
                    We love your tunes, they really
                    make the kids dance, but...

          The track continues.

                              AMIR
                    Is that you doing an impression of
                    a white person?

          Murph shushes them. 

                              TRACK 4
                    Brrat brrat! That's my GUN. Brrat
                    Brrat! Surf -n- turf n****, 2010.

                              AMIR
                    You clearly don't have a gun and
                    made those noises with your mouth.

                              TRACK 5
                         (girl orgasming)
                    Oh! Murph! I want you in my Surf
                    and Turf! Which means I want you to
                    wade in my puss--

          Murph is mouthing along. Dan quickly skips to the next one.

                              TRACK 6
                         (asian sensai)
                    You have studied hard in the way of
                    Surf n Turf, now it is time for
                    your greatest challenge. *GONG*

                              AMIR
                    You clearly don't have a gong and
                    made those noises with your mouth.

                              TRACK 7
                    Brian Murphy, this is your
                    landlord...

                              MURPH
                         (laughing)
                    Ha ha he's soooo white!

                              TRACK 8
                    ...a couple other tenants saw you
                    urinating in the elevator again, so
                    stop or you'll be evicted.

                              DAN
                    Wait, that sounded real.

                              TRACK 9
                    Murph it's your mother, mee maw had
                    a bad fall and she's in the
                    hospital.

                              MURPH
                    More like HO-spital, right?

                              AMIR
                    This is getting embarrassing for
                    you. Please put a song on before I
                    feel bad for you.

                              TRACK 11
                         (southern accent)
                    Welcome to The Surf n' Turf Grill,
                    well you can eat alllll the sweet
                    tangy puss--

          Dan skips the track angrily.

                              DAN
                    Enough! Murph, did you make an
                    entire album of rap skits? Many of
                    which seem to be actual voicemails
                    from your actual phone? Becuase I
                    wouldn't listen to that, if...

                              TRACK 12
                    Hey Murph, it's Dan. Wanted to talk
                    about what happened. I think we can
                    agree we were just really drunk.
                    And that entire karaoke crowd
                    shouting "touch dick tips" didn't
                    help. Ha. Anyways, won't happen
                    again. Unless you want it to. Ha ha
                         (mumbling to self)
                    Now how do I turn this thing off...

          Amir looks at Dan in total shock and disgust.

                              AMIR
                    Ew. You don't know how to turn a
                    cell phone off?

          END.