The office is treated to some tight new music and lyrics, minus the music. And the lyrics.
By CH Writing Staff
INT. OFFICE DAN and AMIR are looking at each other with their hands over their hearts, finishing the Pledge. BOTH One nation, under... Both pause to see if the other person is going to say "God" AMIR Phew. Neither of us said it. MURPH bursts in, decked in track suit and bling. MURPH I hate to be the guy who does this, but my professionally produced full length rap album just dropped and I really wanna play it for you guys. He holds up an album. It says DJ Murph$$, "Surfin' N Turfin'" He's sandwiched between a pair of huge boobs and a big butt, both in bikinis. AMIR DJ Murphs? MURPH The dollar signs are silent. DAN Surfin' N Turfin? MURPH Oh yeaaaah, cause I wade in her surf, then graze in her turf. He motions to first crotch, then butt. DAN Makes sense. He starts the first track. TRACK 1 (urban girl) Ring ring! Murph, this yo' baby mom. Why ain't you been calling me. You got biiiills to pay. Billls. AMIR Wow. A Rap Skit. Haven't heard one of those in a while. TRACK 2 ('white person' impression) Hi, I'm with White People Records. We love your tunes, they really make the kids dance, but... The track continues. AMIR Is that you doing an impression of a white person? Murph shushes them. TRACK 4 Brrat brrat! That's my GUN. Brrat Brrat! Surf -n- turf n****, 2010. AMIR You clearly don't have a gun and made those noises with your mouth. TRACK 5 (girl orgasming) Oh! Murph! I want you in my Surf and Turf! Which means I want you to wade in my puss-- Murph is mouthing along. Dan quickly skips to the next one. TRACK 6 (asian sensai) You have studied hard in the way of Surf n Turf, now it is time for your greatest challenge. *GONG* AMIR You clearly don't have a gong and made those noises with your mouth. TRACK 7 Brian Murphy, this is your landlord... MURPH (laughing) Ha ha he's soooo white! TRACK 8 ...a couple other tenants saw you urinating in the elevator again, so stop or you'll be evicted. DAN Wait, that sounded real. TRACK 9 Murph it's your mother, mee maw had a bad fall and she's in the hospital. MURPH More like HO-spital, right? AMIR This is getting embarrassing for you. Please put a song on before I feel bad for you. TRACK 11 (southern accent) Welcome to The Surf n' Turf Grill, well you can eat alllll the sweet tangy puss-- Dan skips the track angrily. DAN Enough! Murph, did you make an entire album of rap skits? Many of which seem to be actual voicemails from your actual phone? Becuase I wouldn't listen to that, if... TRACK 12 Hey Murph, it's Dan. Wanted to talk about what happened. I think we can agree we were just really drunk. And that entire karaoke crowd shouting "touch dick tips" didn't help. Ha. Anyways, won't happen again. Unless you want it to. Ha ha (mumbling to self) Now how do I turn this thing off... Amir looks at Dan in total shock and disgust. AMIR Ew. You don't know how to turn a cell phone off? END.