Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, double-shame on you.
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On the toilet, nobody can hear you scream. Check out more HardlyWorking episodes at http://www.collegehumor.com/hardlyworking.
Hardly Working: Pee On Your Butt
CH Writing Staff
INT. BATHROOM - THE DARK OF NIGHT MURPH walks up to the urinal and starts goin pee-pee. OMINOUS MUSIC SWELLS as a faceless, black-robed CREEP rises behind him. MURPH (looking over his shoulder) Uh, yo DUDE, there's an empty urinal right next to you. No need to stand behind me like a weirdo. The creep talks with a deep voice, like Buffalo Bill. CREEP (menacing) Don't fucking turn around. MURPH Oh my god. Look man. I-I have thirty dollars in my wallet- CREEP I don't want your money. MURPH Wh-what do you want? The sound of PEE hitting the back of Murph's jeans. HE can't really turn around because he's still going. MURPH Hey. Hey! What are you doing?! Stop! The MUSIC gets more INTENSE as the creep leans in. CREEP Let me get something through your fucking head. Every time you og to the bathroom, I'm gonna pee on your butt. A panicked Murph zips up and turns around. The man is GONE. INT. OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER The back of MURPH'S JEANS are WET. He looks totally shaken. He sits at his desk. JENNY Murph. Are you okay? MURPH I'm fine. JENNY Jesus. You're shaking. MURPH YEAH, IAM, and hwy ond't you mind your own GODDAMN BUSINESS! LATER Murph looks at the clock, whimpering. Several minutes have passed. His beer is EMPTY, and he has to go again. INT. BATHROOM Murph cautiously kicks open the stall doors, one after another until he opens the door on DAN who is taking a shit. DAN WHOA! MURPH! POOPING! CLOSE! Murph closes the door and breathes a sigh of relief. He approaches the urinal and starts peeing. He sighs. CREEP (OC) You came back for more, have you? MURPH No, no, no! Not you again! CREEP You've come to have you but pped on have you? Well, luck you. I'm going to pee on your butt. MURPH Fuck, dude, please don't! These are designer jeans, okay?! Paper. Fucking. Denim! Please don't! CREEP Please don't what? MURPH Please don't... CREEP Say it. MURPH PLEASE don't pee on my BUTT! Please don't pee on my butt, sir! BEAT. Maybe he won't? Nah. The creep starts peeing anyway, laughing maniacally. Murph SCREAMS! WIDE of bathroom. Murph is all alone, talking to himself. MURPH Please don't pee on my butt! Please don't pee on my butt! Please don't pee on my butt! EMILY puts her hand on his shoulder. Murph swings around. EMILY Murph, are you okay? MURPH (flustered) There's this guy. And he was in here before. And he peed on my butt. And I told him to stop. And- wait, waht are you doing in the men's bathroom? Emily looks guilty... a STING of SCARY MUSIC plays, then cuts ou as soon as Dan steps into frame. DAN Hey! Sorry, me again. I called her here. I have Emily pick me up after I make poops. EMILY Just makes him feel better. Dan and Emily hug. INT. OFFICE - LATER A CROWD of WRITERS gather near Murph's desk. PAT Okay guys, gather around! The first one to drink ALL this water wins a thousand dollars! Murph sighs. He has to do it. INT. BATHROOM Murph is at the urinal. He takes a deep breath. CREEP's MUSIC plays as creep appears behind Murph. We know what's about to happen. MURPH No need to say it, sir. I know you're gonna pee on my butt. EXTREME CLOSE UP on Murph's intense expression. Payback. MURPH But I'm gonna piss on your dick. Murph turns around and faces the creep, who is completely bewildered. They each stand there for a beat, facing one antoher. We hear only the sound of them peeing on each other. Then: A WHOOSH of light, and an EXPLOSION. The creep screams: "NOOoOOOoooOO!" and disappears into thin air. VICTORY MUSIC! Murph laughs until he cries tears of joy. INT. OFFICE - SECONDS LATER Murph takes a seat at his desk, looking confident. JENNY Murph, are you okay? We see Murph, full-body. He's DRENCHED in piss. MURPH (big genuine smile) Jenny? I'm great. And thanks for asking. CHEERY END-OF-MOVIE music plays before it transitions to SCARY again as Emily gets a PHONECALL. She picks up. EMILY Hey, Dan. Need me to pick you up?
|President of Original Content||Sam Reich|
|Vice President of Production / Executive Producer||Spencer Griffin|
|Director of Production||Sam Sparks|
|Director of Post Production||Michael Schaubach|
|Assistant Production Manager||Jeremy Reitz|
|Post Production Producer||Lacy Wittman|
|Production Design||Andy Myers|
|Art Director||Chris Sullivan|
|Production Coordinator||Sam Marine|
|1st Assistant Director||Anu Valia|
|Sound Mixer||Andrew Yip|
|Camera Operator||Jason Beasley|
|Assistant Editor||Phil Fox|
|Post Production Coordinator||Amanda Madden|
|Production Accountant||Christine Rodriguez|
|Assistant Production Accountant||Erin Marshall|
|Production Assistant||Clark Frankel|