America and Iraq have called it quits, but there's the little issue of a bunker in the oven.
By Dan Gurewitch & Emily Axford
INT. SITUATION ROOM - DAY
TITLE CARD: SEPTEMBER 30, 2012
GENERAL AMERICA, a high-ranking officer in charge of the
Iraq War, sits with GENERAL IRAQ (also male) in an important
office with the AMERICAN FLAG on the wall.
Hi... thanks for meeting with me.
Anything for Iraq's highest-ranking
general - we've been through a lot
together. Now, what can I do for
So. Remember nine months ago, when
you said you were going to pull out
Well... you didn't totally pull
Um... I'm pretty sure I pulled out.
Yeah. I pulled out and dispatched
my troops in Kuwait.
Well, maybe. But you left a couple
of troops behind... and now there's
an American military base in my
No no no. We were so careful!
You went in with almost no
Okay, but I have good control of my
army. I know when to pull out.
What about Vietnam?
That was years ago! I didn't know
what I was doing!
In any event, it's there and we
have to do something about it.
How do you even know it's mine? It
could be British, or French.
It looks just like you.
Iraq hands America a photo of TWO AMERICAN SOLDIERS tossin'
And anyway, I... haven't been
invaded since you left.
Like you care. The whole time you
were in me, you wanted to be in
America's CELL PHONE RINGS. He looks at it; doesn't answer.
Who's that, Pakistan? Is that who
you're invading now?
No- I don't know- it's complicated.
Look, maybe I stayed in you a
little longer than I meant to.
I was telling you to get out for so
I just didn't want to leave before
you finished! You know, rebuilding
a stable government!
I can finish myself, thanks!
I don't know why I came to you. I'm
probably just gonna give your base
away to Germany. They've been
trying to have another military for
Iraq stops in his tracks. America is overwhelmed with
I... I want to keep it.
How are you gonna pay for it? Can
you even afford a military base?
You can't even pay for your own
We'll make it work. I'll talk to
China, I'll take out another loan.
...You'd do that?
I do it all the time.
Don't you remember when I first
invaded you? We had something
I guess I... did like the
We can do this. Just you and me.
America tenderly brushes Iraq's hair away from his face. A
tender moment. The two generals begin to LEAN TOWARDS EACH
OTHER, ABOUT TO KISS.
Wait. What about Afghanistan?
Oh, I'm gonna be in that slut