Pulling Out of Iraq (with Patrick Warburton and Ken Davitian)

By

Dan Gurewitch & Emily Axford

          INT. SITUATION ROOM - DAY

          TITLE CARD: SEPTEMBER 30, 2012

          GENERAL AMERICA, a high-ranking officer in charge of the
          Iraq War, sits with GENERAL IRAQ (also male) in an important
          office with the AMERICAN FLAG on the wall.

                              IRAQ
                    Hi... thanks for meeting with me.

                              AMERICA
                    Anything for Iraq's highest-ranking
                    general - we've been through a lot
                    together. Now, what can I do for
                    you?

                              IRAQ
                    So. Remember nine months ago, when
                    you said you were going to pull out
                    of Iraq?

                              AMERICA
                    Yeah...

                              IRAQ
                    Well... you didn't totally pull
                    out.

                              AMERICA
                    Um... I'm pretty sure I pulled out.
                    Yeah. I pulled out and dispatched
                    my troops in Kuwait.

                              IRAQ
                    Well, maybe. But you left a couple
                    of troops behind... and now there's
                    an American military base in my
                    country.

                              AMERICA
                    No no no. We were so careful!

                              IRAQ
                    You went in with almost no
                    protection.

                              AMERICA
                    Okay, but I have good control of my
                    army. I know when to pull out.

                              IRAQ
                    What about Vietnam?

                              AMERICA
                    That was years ago! I didn't know
                    what I was doing!

                              IRAQ
                    In any event, it's there and we
                    have to do something about it.

                              AMERICA
                    How do you even know it's mine? It
                    could be British, or French.

                              IRAQ
                    It looks just like you.

          Iraq hands America a photo of TWO AMERICAN SOLDIERS tossin'
          up SHOCKERS.

                              IRAQ
                         (shy)
                    And anyway, I... haven't been
                    invaded since you left.

                              AMERICA
                    Really?

                              IRAQ
                    Like you care. The whole time you
                    were in me, you wanted to be in
                    Iran.

          America's CELL PHONE RINGS. He looks at it; doesn't answer.

                              IRAQ
                    Who's that, Pakistan? Is that who
                    you're invading now?

                              AMERICA
                    No- I don't know- it's complicated.
                    Look, maybe I stayed in you a
                    little longer than I meant to.

                              IRAQ
                    I was telling you to get out for so
                    long!

                              AMERICA
                    I just didn't want to leave before
                    you finished! You know, rebuilding
                    a stable government!

                              IRAQ
                    I can finish myself, thanks!

                              AMERICA
                         (doubtful)
                    Eh...

                              IRAQ
                         (getting up)
                    I don't know why I came to you. I'm
                    probably just gonna give your base
                    away to Germany. They've been
                    trying to have another military for
                    years.

                              AMERICA
                    No, wait-

          Iraq stops in his tracks. America is overwhelmed with
          emotion.

                              AMERICA
                    I... I want to keep it.

                              IRAQ
                    How are you gonna pay for it? Can
                    you even afford a military base?
                    You can't even pay for your own
                    health care.

                              AMERICA
                    We'll make it work. I'll talk to
                    China, I'll take out another loan.

                              IRAQ
                    ...You'd do that?

                              AMERICA
                    I do it all the time.
                         (beat)
                    Don't you remember when I first
                    invaded you? We had something
                    special.

                              IRAQ
                         (smiling shyly)
                    I guess I... did like the
                    attention.

                              AMERICA
                    We can do this. Just you and me.
                    Together.

          America tenderly brushes Iraq's hair away from his face. A
          tender moment. The two generals begin to LEAN TOWARDS EACH
          OTHER, ABOUT TO KISS.

                              IRAQ
                    Wait. What about Afghanistan?

                              AMERICA
                         (callously flippant)
                    Oh, I'm gonna be in that slut
                    forever.

          END.