Very Mary-Kate: Summer House

By

Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich

          INT. FOYER - DAY

          BODYGUARD enters MARY-KATE'S ROYAL-LOOKING SUMMER CHATEAU,
          bags in tow.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Here we are.  Your summer chateau.

          MARY-KATE busts through behind him.

                              MARY-KATE
                    I have to pee, I have to pee, I
                    have to pee, I have to pee...

          Bodyguard pulls out an enormous-looking MAP.

                              BODYGUARD
                    There's a bathroom past the water
                    fountain, beside the reflecting
                    pool, opposite the koi pond-

                              MARY-KATE
                    Are you trying to make me pee
                    myself?

          She leaves.

                              BODYGUARD
                         (to himself)
                    God, this place is huge.

          INT. HALLWAY - DAY

          Mary-Kate comes out of a bathroom.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Ahhh. 
                         (calling)
                    Bodyguard, this toilet needs
                    flushing.  Bodyguard?

          INT. BEDROOM - DAY

          Bodyguard hears Mary-Kate distantly.  We cut back and forth
          between them.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Mary-Kate?!

                              MARY-KATE
                    Bodyguard?!  Where are you?!

                              BODYGUARD
                    I'm in the...
                         (checks the map)
                    Cat groomer's guest room!

                              MARY-KATE
                    You want me to guess what room?!

                              BODYGUARD
                    Just follow the sound of my voice!

                              MARY-KATE
                    The route of my choice?!  Are you
                    teaching me a lesson about
                    independence?!

                              BODYGUARD
                    Pendants?  Every room has pendants!

                              MARY-KATE
                         (nervously wandering off)
                    Ehhh...

          INT. MEZZANINE - DAY

          Mary-Kate wanders in.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (to herself)
                    Now, what do I remember from being
                    a girl scout... in that VHS special
                    I did?  Step one: leave a trail.

          She breaks off her necklace and starts dropping pearls one
          after the other.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    Trails help orient you so that you
                    don't end up back where you-

          Cut wide.  She's back where she started.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    Shit.

          INT. STAIRWAY - DAY

          Mary-Kate stands at the top of a stairway.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Step two: find the highest possible
                    ground and survey the land.

          A pan of her POV reveals a gorgeous room.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                         (whispering)
                    Ooooh.  Majestic.

          Her nose bleeds.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    Oh no!  Altitude sickness!

          INT. BATHROOM - DAY

          Mary-Kate stands at the bathroom door.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Step three: find water, shelter,
                    and food.

          In a series of quick cuts, she turns on the bath faucet,
          puts a blanket over her head, and lifts up a copy of Bon
          Appetite magazine.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    Meals on a budget: page 38.
                         (sigh, turning pages)
                    Desperate times...

          INT. BEDROOM - DAY

                              MARY-KATE
                    Step four: find a companion.  I
                    guess it's just you and me,
                    Ash-vase.

          Reveal that Mary-Kate is putting a lipstick face on a vase. 
          It topples over and crashes.  A beat.  Mary-Kate turns to a
          lamp.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    I guess it's just you and me,
                    Ash-lamp.

          INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

                              MARY-KATE
                    Step five: build a fire.  These
                    books should do the trick.

          In a top shot, Mary-Kate dumps a bunch of books on the
          floor.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    Though I might need some kindling.

          In the top shot, Mary-Kate dumps a bunch of kindles on the
          floor.  Mary-Kate lights a match nervously.  Reveal
          Ash-lamp, propped up and watching.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    It's going to be fine, Ash-lamp. 
                    Don't be nervous.

          Cut wide.  As Mary-Kate holds a match to the books, we see a
          HUGE FIREPLACE behind her.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    This is as good a spot for a fire
                    as any.

          INT. FOYER - DAY

          Two FIREMAN cross by frame.  Bodyguard has his arm around
          Mary-Kate, who's wrapped in a blanket.

                              BODYGUARD
                    I'm just glad you're okay.

                              MARY-KATE
                    I'm better than okay.  I learned a
                    valuable lesson!  When push comes
                    to shove, and push is me and shove
                    is the wild, I can make it on my
                    own.

                              BODYGUARD
                    You keep telling yourself that,
                    kiddo.

          One of the two firemen approaches them.

                              FIREMAN
                    We did everything we could, but...
                    we couldn't save her.

          He holds up a burned Ash-lamp.  Bodyguard holds Mary-Kate
          back.

                              MARY-KATE
                    ASH-LAMP!  NOOOOO!

          END.