Mary-Kate gets lost indoors and has to crack out her survival skills.
By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. FOYER - DAY BODYGUARD enters MARY-KATE'S ROYAL-LOOKING SUMMER CHATEAU, bags in tow. BODYGUARD Here we are. Your summer chateau. MARY-KATE busts through behind him. MARY-KATE I have to pee, I have to pee, I have to pee, I have to pee... Bodyguard pulls out an enormous-looking MAP. BODYGUARD There's a bathroom past the water fountain, beside the reflecting pool, opposite the koi pond- MARY-KATE Are you trying to make me pee myself? She leaves. BODYGUARD (to himself) God, this place is huge. INT. HALLWAY - DAY Mary-Kate comes out of a bathroom. MARY-KATE Ahhh. (calling) Bodyguard, this toilet needs flushing. Bodyguard? INT. BEDROOM - DAY Bodyguard hears Mary-Kate distantly. We cut back and forth between them. BODYGUARD Mary-Kate?! MARY-KATE Bodyguard?! Where are you?! BODYGUARD I'm in the... (checks the map) Cat groomer's guest room! MARY-KATE You want me to guess what room?! BODYGUARD Just follow the sound of my voice! MARY-KATE The route of my choice?! Are you teaching me a lesson about independence?! BODYGUARD Pendants? Every room has pendants! MARY-KATE (nervously wandering off) Ehhh... INT. MEZZANINE - DAY Mary-Kate wanders in. MARY-KATE (to herself) Now, what do I remember from being a girl scout... in that VHS special I did? Step one: leave a trail. She breaks off her necklace and starts dropping pearls one after the other. MARY-KATE (CONT.) Trails help orient you so that you don't end up back where you- Cut wide. She's back where she started. MARY-KATE (CONT.) Shit. INT. STAIRWAY - DAY Mary-Kate stands at the top of a stairway. MARY-KATE Step two: find the highest possible ground and survey the land. A pan of her POV reveals a gorgeous room. MARY-KATE (CONT.) (whispering) Ooooh. Majestic. Her nose bleeds. MARY-KATE (CONT.) Oh no! Altitude sickness! INT. BATHROOM - DAY Mary-Kate stands at the bathroom door. MARY-KATE Step three: find water, shelter, and food. In a series of quick cuts, she turns on the bath faucet, puts a blanket over her head, and lifts up a copy of Bon Appetite magazine. MARY-KATE (CONT.) Meals on a budget: page 38. (sigh, turning pages) Desperate times... INT. BEDROOM - DAY MARY-KATE Step four: find a companion. I guess it's just you and me, Ash-vase. Reveal that Mary-Kate is putting a lipstick face on a vase. It topples over and crashes. A beat. Mary-Kate turns to a lamp. MARY-KATE (CONT.) I guess it's just you and me, Ash-lamp. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY MARY-KATE Step five: build a fire. These books should do the trick. In a top shot, Mary-Kate dumps a bunch of books on the floor. MARY-KATE (CONT.) Though I might need some kindling. In the top shot, Mary-Kate dumps a bunch of kindles on the floor. Mary-Kate lights a match nervously. Reveal Ash-lamp, propped up and watching. MARY-KATE (CONT.) It's going to be fine, Ash-lamp. Don't be nervous. Cut wide. As Mary-Kate holds a match to the books, we see a HUGE FIREPLACE behind her. MARY-KATE (CONT.) This is as good a spot for a fire as any. INT. FOYER - DAY Two FIREMAN cross by frame. Bodyguard has his arm around Mary-Kate, who's wrapped in a blanket. BODYGUARD I'm just glad you're okay. MARY-KATE I'm better than okay. I learned a valuable lesson! When push comes to shove, and push is me and shove is the wild, I can make it on my own. BODYGUARD You keep telling yourself that, kiddo. One of the two firemen approaches them. FIREMAN We did everything we could, but... we couldn't save her. He holds up a burned Ash-lamp. Bodyguard holds Mary-Kate back. MARY-KATE ASH-LAMP! NOOOOO! END.