By Front Page Films
EXT. GOTHAM ROOFTOP - NIGHT Batman has just saved NARROWS BOY. Rachel is comforting him. NARROWS BOY (to RACHEL) I told you he'd come. Batman gives a look, and steps onto a ledge. RACHEL (to Batman) Wait. You could die. At least tell me your name. BATMAN It's not who I am underneath but what I do that defines me. RACHEL ...Bruce? Batman turns to jump from the ledge. Then... BATMAN No. RACHEL Oh my God, you totally are. Bruce. BATMAN No... not Bruce. RACHEL That "what I do that defines me" thing? I said that to him 3 days ago and I haven't said it to anyone else. So you are Bruce. BATMAN I am not Bruce Wayne. RACHEL See, I didn't even say Wayne. I just said Bruce. BATMAN Maybe he told me about it. RACHEL Oh, you guys hang out. BATMAN Yeah. Bruce Wayne is... the coolest. Maybe you two should go out? COMMISSIONER GORDON enters in his SWAT gear. GORDON Ms. Dawes! Thank God you're safe. RACHEL Commissioner. You're not going to believe this. COMMISSIONER GORDON Bruce Wayne is Batman? BRUCE WAYNE What? That's just baloney. RACHEL You knew?! COMMISSIONER GORDON Oh, it's super obvious. Dead parents, disappeared for years, comes back in incredible shape, has the time, money... RACHEL Oh yeah... (to Batman) just admit it, you're Bruce Wayne. BATMAN Rachel, Gordon, if you knew my secret identity... GORDON As Bruce Wayne. BATMAN ...my secret... my secret identity... RACHEL Bruce. BATMAN ...secret... GORDON Bruce Wayne. BATMAN (frustrated, quick) It would put you in danger, okay? RACHEL Well then you should stop dropping really obvious hints before, you know, you jump off buildings. BATMAN Wait! Who's that behind you? Bruce? What are you doing here? Rachel and Gordon, reluctantly playing along, turn around to "look." Batman jumps down and is gone for a moment. Enter BRUCE WAYNE, in a suit that looks hastily put on, still wearing Batman's black EYE MAKEUP. BRUCE WAYNE Rachel, Commissioner, what's going on? I was just skiing with some models and just being like a reckless playboy party type guy... RACHEL You still have your eye makeup on. BRUCE WAYNE What? No. These are... black eyes I got from... fighting crime. No, wait. I just wanted to let you know that I'm not Batman. GORDON The city is being sprayed with fear gas and you want to just let us know that you're not Batman. BRUCE WAYNE It's true, right Bats? Bruce waits for them to look the other way then ducks off. BATMAN (Bruce's voice) That's right, Bruce. RACHEL Wrong Voice. QUICK CUTS TO: Batman enters, suit, but wearing the mask. BATMAN I don't know hat I have to do to prove that I'm not... GORDON Wearing the suit. BATMAN (O.S.) (Batman voice) My real secret identity is... RACHEL Really? REVEAL that Bruce Wayne is squatting where Batman was, no Batman costume whatsoever, rubbing his eye makeup off. It's just a smeared mess now. BATMAN ...a nimble shopkeeper named Troy Frandag. RACHEL Bruce. BATMAN Troy. CUT TO: Bruce talking to Rachel as Bruce. BRUCE WAYNE And I can see where you might think we're the same guy but... I'm wearing the cape, aren't I? RACHEL Mm-hmm. GORDON Yeah. CUT TO: Bruce holds up the Batman costume, he has his hand up the mask like a puppet. BRUCE WAYNE Look, here we are together. (moving hand, Batman voice) See Rachel? Two different people. I am not Bruce Wayne. As "batman" is talking, Bruce takes a sip of water, a la a ventriloquist. He can't do it though, and chokes water up everywhere. CUT TO: Bruce standing with Rachel in the Bruce/Rachel spot. Rachel and Gordon aren't even paying attention to Batman anymore. RACHEL And that one time we were kids I saw him get thrashed by bats. COMMISSIONER GORDON See, I didn't even know that, I was just driving his Bat car tank thing, the registration is in Bruce's name. Right there in the glove box. NARROWS BOY Batman gave me a periscope the other night and it said Wayne Enterprises on it... BRUCE WAYNE (to boy) Maybe you're batman. NARROWS BOY No, at this point, I don't think I would want to be... BRUCE WAYNE You know, we could go on and on about who the only person in Gotham that has the time, money and means to be the vigilante Batman who was also, as you pointed out Rachel, thrashed by bats as a youth in the home he still lives in which rests above a cave filled with bats, but I think it's time we put these silly theories to bed and consider that the Batman probably is a giant half bat half man who doesn't even have a secret identity. Bruce Wayne puts his arm on Rachel's shoulder, REVEAL he's wearing one of Batman's gloves. BRUCE WAYNE Yeah. Batman... gave me these gloves. COMMISSIONER GORDON Oh. Cuz you and Batman hang out. BRUCE WAYNE Oh yeah, he's the coolest. He told me you'd want to go out with me? END.