Hardly Working: Office Force

By

Ben Joseph

          INT. COLLEGEHUMOR OFFICES - DAY

          BEN, that idiot, stands at the printer.

                              BEN
                    Hey, does anybody know how to fix
                    this printer?  I need some help.

          PAT, at his desk, looks up.

                              PAT
                    Help?  Someone needs help?

          He looks to CALDWELL, at his desk. Caldwell nods.

                              CALDWELL & PAT
                         (with dynamic punches)
                    Office Force Fighting Force, Power
                    Time Go!

          CRASH ZOOM into Caldwell’s face.

                              CALDWELL  
                    It's marphin' time.

          The word "MARPHIN" appears, crackling with electricity,
          beginning a TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE. In front of a 
	  lightning-filled back-drop the TEAM addresses camera 
	  one by one. They each wear the appropriate color:

                              CALDWELL
                    Red!

                              PAT
                    Blue!

                              EMILY
                    Yellow!

                              MURPH
                    Paisley!

          And, finally, with NO SHIRT:

                              KEVIN
                    Kevin!

          FIVE-WAY SPLIT-SCREEN:

                              OMI
                    Office Fighting Fighters Force,
                    activate COMBINATION MODE!

          The screen EXPLODES, revealing...

          ...the five have combined into one MEGA-PERSON. Pat sits on
          top of Murph and Kevin (the "legs.") Emily and Caldwell (the
          "arms") hang from Pat's shoulders.

          The whole stack teeters for a beat. It’s clearly unstable.

                              PAT
                    OK, Fighters!  Let's walk over to
                    the printer.

          Murph and Kevin shuffle awkwardly.

                              PAT
                    I said walk- This isn't hard!  Left
                    leg, lift up!

          Kevin thinks for a beat. He tries jumping in place, but Pat
          almost falls off.

                              PAT
                    Ah!  Shit, wow.  New plan.  Right
                    arm!  Reach out to the printer.

                              EMILY
                    Right arm!  Reaching out!

          Emily swings back and forth.

                              PAT
                    OW GOD MY SHOULDER.  STOP.
                         (beat)
                    No moving.  Let's just launch a
                    Power Missile at the printer.

                              EMILY
                    No good.  Amir's our missile, and
                    he's sick today.

                              PAT
                    What about our Power Sword?

                              KEVIN
                    In a sales meeting right now.

                              MURPH
                    Hi!  Right leg here.  New to the
                    team, don't want to overstep my
                    bounds, but I'm beginning to think
                    combo mode is not as effective as
                    five individual people.

          The other limbs think about this.

                              EMILY
                    You know, I could probably fix the
                    printer all by myself.

                              KEVIN
                    Also, my doctor said being a leg is
                    probably what gave me scoliosis.

                              PAT
                    Guys!  We need to believe in
                    ourselves.  The ancient wizard told
                    us that we're way stronger together
                    than we are apart.  Remember?

                              CALDWELL
                    Yeah, but then you asked if that
                    meant we should combine into a
                    large, five-person fighting robot.

                              KEVIN
                    And he said no, definitely not, he
                    was speaking metaphorically.

                              EMILY
                    Then he tried to sell us meth.

          Pat SIGHS.

                              PAT
                    You guys are right.  Combo mode's
                    not working.
                         (beat)
                    We need to go to SUPER COMBO MODE.

                              KEVIN/CALDWELL/EMILY
                    Yeah!  / All right!  / Let's do it!

                              MURPH
                    What's Super Combo Mode?

                              KEVIN
                    It's just like regular combo mode,
                    except Streeter is our head!

          STREETER, across the room:

                              STREETER
                    SADDLE UP, NERDS!

          Streeter sprints toward the people stack. Murph SCREAMS.

          CUT TO:

          INT. SAM'S OFFICE

          Murph is in a wheelchair. A DOCTOR reviews a chart.

                              DOCTOR
                    His spine is shattered.  He'll
                    never walk again.

                              PAT
                    Or will he?
                         (with punches)
                    Activate Ultimate Maximum
                    Superflous Combo Mode GO!!

          A HORDE OF SCREAMING PEOPLE run toward Murph.

                              MURPH
                         (weakly)
                    God... No...

          END.