From CH Staff on
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By Ben Joseph
INT. COLLEGEHUMOR OFFICES - DAY BEN, that idiot, stands at the printer. BEN Hey, does anybody know how to fix this printer? I need some help. PAT, at his desk, looks up. PAT Help? Someone needs help? He looks to CALDWELL, at his desk. Caldwell nods. CALDWELL & PAT (with dynamic punches) Office Force Fighting Force, Power Time Go! CRASH ZOOM into Caldwell’s face. CALDWELL It's marphin' time. The word "MARPHIN" appears, crackling with electricity, beginning a TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE. In front of a lightning-filled back-drop the TEAM addresses camera one by one. They each wear the appropriate color: CALDWELL Red! PAT Blue! EMILY Yellow! MURPH Paisley! And, finally, with NO SHIRT: KEVIN Kevin! FIVE-WAY SPLIT-SCREEN: OMI Office Fighting Fighters Force, activate COMBINATION MODE! The screen EXPLODES, revealing... ...the five have combined into one MEGA-PERSON. Pat sits on top of Murph and Kevin (the "legs.") Emily and Caldwell (the "arms") hang from Pat's shoulders. The whole stack teeters for a beat. It’s clearly unstable. PAT OK, Fighters! Let's walk over to the printer. Murph and Kevin shuffle awkwardly. PAT I said walk- This isn't hard! Left leg, lift up! Kevin thinks for a beat. He tries jumping in place, but Pat almost falls off. PAT Ah! Shit, wow. New plan. Right arm! Reach out to the printer. EMILY Right arm! Reaching out! Emily swings back and forth. PAT OW GOD MY SHOULDER. STOP. (beat) No moving. Let's just launch a Power Missile at the printer. EMILY No good. Amir's our missile, and he's sick today. PAT What about our Power Sword? KEVIN In a sales meeting right now. MURPH Hi! Right leg here. New to the team, don't want to overstep my bounds, but I'm beginning to think combo mode is not as effective as five individual people. The other limbs think about this. EMILY You know, I could probably fix the printer all by myself. KEVIN Also, my doctor said being a leg is probably what gave me scoliosis. PAT Guys! We need to believe in ourselves. The ancient wizard told us that we're way stronger together than we are apart. Remember? CALDWELL Yeah, but then you asked if that meant we should combine into a large, five-person fighting robot. KEVIN And he said no, definitely not, he was speaking metaphorically. EMILY Then he tried to sell us meth. Pat SIGHS. PAT You guys are right. Combo mode's not working. (beat) We need to go to SUPER COMBO MODE. KEVIN/CALDWELL/EMILY Yeah! / All right! / Let's do it! MURPH What's Super Combo Mode? KEVIN It's just like regular combo mode, except Streeter is our head! STREETER, across the room: STREETER SADDLE UP, NERDS! Streeter sprints toward the people stack. Murph SCREAMS. CUT TO: INT. SAM'S OFFICE Murph is in a wheelchair. A DOCTOR reviews a chart. DOCTOR His spine is shattered. He'll never walk again. PAT Or will he? (with punches) Activate Ultimate Maximum Superflous Combo Mode GO!! A HORDE OF SCREAMING PEOPLE run toward Murph. MURPH (weakly) God... No... END.