A Couple Decides What Porn To Watch

By

Emily Axford

          INT. APARTMENT

          A boyfriend and girlfriend, KATIE and LANCE are sitting next
          to each other, both looking at a glowing screen.

                              KATIE
                    What do you want to watch tonight?

                              LANCE
                    Uh, don't ask me, because whatever
                    I say is not gonna be what you're
                    in the mood for.
                    

                              KATIE
                    Well, let's just try to find
                    something we both want to watch.
                    Assplungers?

          REVEAL that they are looking at porn on a computer screen.

                              LANCE
                    It got really bad reviews. Tit
                    Warriors?

                              KATIE
                    I've already seen it. Hardcore
                    Handjobs Vol. 4? Denise and Eric
                    saw it and loved it.

                              LANCE
                    Yeah, but I haven't seen Hardcore
                    Handjobs Vol. 3.  What about
                    Cheating Wives Uncensored?

                              KATIE
                    Oh yeah! Lemme see... Oh it's got
                    that actor I hate.

                              LANCE
                    Dick Jagger?

                              KATIE
                    Queef Richards. 

                              LANCE
                    You just don't like him cause he
                    played the bad guy in Lesbian
                    Gynecologists.

                              KATIE
                    He was so mean! Le Petit Bonér?

                              LANCE
                    I hate subtitles.
                         (beat)
                    And French cocks.

                              KATIE
                    Citizen Came?

          Lance makes a "snooze" sound.

                              KATIE
                    What? It's a classic! Fine. We'll
                    be the uncultured lame-o's who only
                    watch New Releases and have nothing
                    interesting to say at dinner
                    parties! Balljugglers In Heat?

                              LANCE
                    I'm not a huge fan of that
                    director. I like his earlier work,
                    but at this point he's so
                    self-aware of his own style, it
                    feels like parody. Horny Dad Bangs
                    Even Hornier Babysitter?

                              KATIE
                    The dialogue is so self-indulgent!
                    No one actually talks like that.

                              LANCE
                         (scrolling through)
                    Let's see... Nutbusters Bust A Nut?

                              KATIE
                    I think it was originally 3D, so we
                    wouldn't get the full effect on my
                    laptop.

                              LANCE
                         (interrupting, excited)
                    Splooge Cruisers? I haven't seen
                    that since I was a kid!

                              KATIE
                    I saw it recently. It doesn't hold
                    up. The special effects look
                    terrible.

                              LANCE
                    Splooge Cruisers 2: Mission
                    Accumplished? Geez, not everything
                    needs a sequel!  Sweet Sixteen
                    Sorority Party?

                              KATIE
                    It's such a thinly veiled political
                    allegory! Also not enough hardcore
                    penetration.  Why don't we just
                    watch Amatuer Gang Bang? We own it
                    and we've never even opened it! 

                              LANCE
                    Wait! My friend Craig was just
                    telling me I need to see... shit...

          Lance takes out his phone and calls Craig.

                              LANCE
                    Hey, what was that movie you were
                    talking about? No the fuck movie.

          As Craig mumbles the title on the phone, he holds the phone
          away from his mouth and mouths the title to Katie:

                              LANCE
                    Hardcore Anal Slut Takes Big Dick.

          Katie searches for it, finds it, and smiles approvingly.

                              LANCE
                    Thanks. Yah, yah. See ya Monday.

          He hangs up the phone. They both masturbate very quickly and
          climax at the same time.

                              LANCE
                    Shoot, we're gonna be late for
                    dinner with your parents.

          END.