Hardly Working: Phantom Misses Sarah (Part 1)

By

Streeter Seidell

          INT. OFFICE

          Phantom, in a hawaiian shirt over his jacket, enters.

                              PHANTOM
                    You say goodbye, you say hello. I
                    say Aloha!

                              DAN
                    Jesus, where have you been?

                              PHANTOM
                    Went to Hawaii last minute for nine
                    months. And yes, I'll have you
                    know, my volcanos are doing just
                    fine.

                              PAT
                    Your volcanos?

                              PHANTOM
                    I brought presents!

          Phantom reaches into his trunk and pulls out a mangy dog.

                              PHANTOM
                    For Amir, a mangy island dog!

          Amir reluctantly takes it.

                              AMIR
                    Hey...thanks?

                              PHANTOM
                    I figured since your girlfriend
                    left and all you would need some
                    company around that hovel you call
                    an apartment.

                              AMIR
                    How'd you know about my wife.

                              PHANTOM
                    Bumped into her in Maui. So, so
                    tight. So fit. Creamy thighs.

                              AMIR
                    She went to Hawaii?

                              PHANTOM
                    Sack up, homo. You've got a new
                    friend to spend your life with. Aw
                    look, she likes you.

          The dog licks Amir's face. Amir's eyes well up and his lip
          quivers. He hugs the dog.

                              AMIR
                    She's perfect.

                              PHANTOM
                    Get that bitch de-loused and
                    de-wormed and all that, though. She
                    shit out a fistful of tapeworms on
                    the plane ride back. Mangy.

          When we cut back to Amir, he has red BITES all over his
          face.

                              AMIR
                    I will.

          Phantom pulls out a gelatinous lump of clear-ish flesh.
          Everyone GROANS.

                              PHANTOM
                    For Dan, Hamachi! Line caught,
                    renewable. Very farm-to-table.

          He PLOPS it in his hand.

                              PHANTOM
                    Now you're going to want to cover
                    that in oil paper, soak it in lye
                    for a few weeks and maybe smoke it
                    with some hickory before it turns
                    into not poison.

          Dan dumps the Fish in a garbage can.

                              PHANTOM
                    Smart move, canning it first. Smart
                    move.

          Phantom pulls a beautiful carved wooden sculpture out of the
          trunk.

                              PHANTOM
                    For Pat, this is a very special
                    sculpture. It was carved by the
                    native Hawaiians long before
                    Captain Cook and I showed up. I
                    happened upon it in a market and
                    recognized it immediately. I want
                    you to have it and keep it well.
                    It's worth many hundreds of
                    thousands of dollars.

          Phantom reverently hands it off.

                              PAT
                    It's really beautiful, Phantom. How
                    can I - Is this a price tag?

          Pat looks at the Hudson News price tag.

                              PAT
                    Hudson News? You bought this at the
                    airport!

          Phantom NUT TAPS Pat and takes the statue back.

                              PAT
                    OW!

                              PHANTOM
                    Busted! I forgot to get you
                    something. Ummm, want to know what
                    really happened to Erheart?

                              PAT
                    What?

          Phantom grabs Pat's hands and sends LIGHT THROUGH THEM.
          Pat's eyes roll back for a second.

                              PAT
                    ...you?

                              PHANTOM
                    She knew too much. And finally, for
                    my sweet Syrah, a hand craved,
                    naturalistic polished palm-wood
                    dild...

          He turns to find Emily.

                              PHANTOM
                    What the fuck is that?

                              DAVID
                    Emily, our new writer.

                              PHANTOM
                    Don't get me wrong, I'd hit it. You
                    know I'd hit it, but where is
                    syrah?

          A beat while they all look at each other. Dan steps forward.

                              DAN
                    Phantom, uh. She got a different
                    job. At Saturday Night Live. She's
                    not here anymore.

                              PHANTOM
                         (laughs)
                    Quick clownin! This motherfucker be
                    clownin! No, tell me, where is she.

                              DAN
                    She's not here anymore. But, hey,
                    meet Jenny, she's new, too.

                              PHANTOM
                    Yeah, don't give a shit. Syrah?
                    Syrah?!

                              PAT
                    She's gone, ok! You left and she's
                    gone!

          A rage wells in Phantom

                              PHANTOM
                    AND I WILL FOLLOW HER! FOLLOW HER
                    WHERE SHE MAY GO! AND NEAR HER I
                    ALWAYS WILL BE. AND NOTHING CAN
                    KEEP ME AWAY, SHE IS MY DESTINY!

                              PAT
                    Isn't that that song?

          Phantom SNAPS Pat unconscious.

                              PHANTOM
                    SYRAHHHHHHHH!

          His scream sends a powerful wave out from the office,
          knocking everyone down. The sky turns black. Lightning.

                                                  TO BE CONTINUED