The Phantom feels the pain of loneliness, or possibly the burns and sores that cover his body.
By Streeter Seidell
INT. OFFICE Phantom, in a hawaiian shirt over his jacket, enters. PHANTOM You say goodbye, you say hello. I say Aloha! DAN Jesus, where have you been? PHANTOM Went to Hawaii last minute for nine months. And yes, I'll have you know, my volcanos are doing just fine. PAT Your volcanos? PHANTOM I brought presents! Phantom reaches into his trunk and pulls out a mangy dog. PHANTOM For Amir, a mangy island dog! Amir reluctantly takes it. AMIR Hey...thanks? PHANTOM I figured since your girlfriend left and all you would need some company around that hovel you call an apartment. AMIR How'd you know about my wife. PHANTOM Bumped into her in Maui. So, so tight. So fit. Creamy thighs. AMIR She went to Hawaii? PHANTOM Sack up, homo. You've got a new friend to spend your life with. Aw look, she likes you. The dog licks Amir's face. Amir's eyes well up and his lip quivers. He hugs the dog. AMIR She's perfect. PHANTOM Get that bitch de-loused and de-wormed and all that, though. She shit out a fistful of tapeworms on the plane ride back. Mangy. When we cut back to Amir, he has red BITES all over his face. AMIR I will. Phantom pulls out a gelatinous lump of clear-ish flesh. Everyone GROANS. PHANTOM For Dan, Hamachi! Line caught, renewable. Very farm-to-table. He PLOPS it in his hand. PHANTOM Now you're going to want to cover that in oil paper, soak it in lye for a few weeks and maybe smoke it with some hickory before it turns into not poison. Dan dumps the Fish in a garbage can. PHANTOM Smart move, canning it first. Smart move. Phantom pulls a beautiful carved wooden sculpture out of the trunk. PHANTOM For Pat, this is a very special sculpture. It was carved by the native Hawaiians long before Captain Cook and I showed up. I happened upon it in a market and recognized it immediately. I want you to have it and keep it well. It's worth many hundreds of thousands of dollars. Phantom reverently hands it off. PAT It's really beautiful, Phantom. How can I - Is this a price tag? Pat looks at the Hudson News price tag. PAT Hudson News? You bought this at the airport! Phantom NUT TAPS Pat and takes the statue back. PAT OW! PHANTOM Busted! I forgot to get you something. Ummm, want to know what really happened to Erheart? PAT What? Phantom grabs Pat's hands and sends LIGHT THROUGH THEM. Pat's eyes roll back for a second. PAT ...you? PHANTOM She knew too much. And finally, for my sweet Syrah, a hand craved, naturalistic polished palm-wood dild... He turns to find Emily. PHANTOM What the fuck is that? DAVID Emily, our new writer. PHANTOM Don't get me wrong, I'd hit it. You know I'd hit it, but where is syrah? A beat while they all look at each other. Dan steps forward. DAN Phantom, uh. She got a different job. At Saturday Night Live. She's not here anymore. PHANTOM (laughs) Quick clownin! This motherfucker be clownin! No, tell me, where is she. DAN She's not here anymore. But, hey, meet Jenny, she's new, too. PHANTOM Yeah, don't give a shit. Syrah? Syrah?! PAT She's gone, ok! You left and she's gone! A rage wells in Phantom PHANTOM AND I WILL FOLLOW HER! FOLLOW HER WHERE SHE MAY GO! AND NEAR HER I ALWAYS WILL BE. AND NOTHING CAN KEEP ME AWAY, SHE IS MY DESTINY! PAT Isn't that that song? Phantom SNAPS Pat unconscious. PHANTOM SYRAHHHHHHHH! His scream sends a powerful wave out from the office, knocking everyone down. The sky turns black. Lightning. TO BE CONTINUED