The Phantom feels the pain of loneliness, or possibly the burns and sores that cover his body.
By Streeter Seidell
Phantom, in a hawaiian shirt over his jacket, enters.
You say goodbye, you say hello. I
Jesus, where have you been?
Went to Hawaii last minute for nine
months. And yes, I'll have you
know, my volcanos are doing just
I brought presents!
Phantom reaches into his trunk and pulls out a mangy dog.
For Amir, a mangy island dog!
Amir reluctantly takes it.
I figured since your girlfriend
left and all you would need some
company around that hovel you call
How'd you know about my wife.
Bumped into her in Maui. So, so
tight. So fit. Creamy thighs.
She went to Hawaii?
Sack up, homo. You've got a new
friend to spend your life with. Aw
look, she likes you.
The dog licks Amir's face. Amir's eyes well up and his lip
quivers. He hugs the dog.
Get that bitch de-loused and
de-wormed and all that, though. She
shit out a fistful of tapeworms on
the plane ride back. Mangy.
When we cut back to Amir, he has red BITES all over his
Phantom pulls out a gelatinous lump of clear-ish flesh.
For Dan, Hamachi! Line caught,
renewable. Very farm-to-table.
He PLOPS it in his hand.
Now you're going to want to cover
that in oil paper, soak it in lye
for a few weeks and maybe smoke it
with some hickory before it turns
into not poison.
Dan dumps the Fish in a garbage can.
Smart move, canning it first. Smart
Phantom pulls a beautiful carved wooden sculpture out of the
For Pat, this is a very special
sculpture. It was carved by the
native Hawaiians long before
Captain Cook and I showed up. I
happened upon it in a market and
recognized it immediately. I want
you to have it and keep it well.
It's worth many hundreds of
thousands of dollars.
Phantom reverently hands it off.
It's really beautiful, Phantom. How
can I - Is this a price tag?
Pat looks at the Hudson News price tag.
Hudson News? You bought this at the
Phantom NUT TAPS Pat and takes the statue back.
Busted! I forgot to get you
something. Ummm, want to know what
really happened to Erheart?
Phantom grabs Pat's hands and sends LIGHT THROUGH THEM.
Pat's eyes roll back for a second.
She knew too much. And finally, for
my sweet Syrah, a hand craved,
naturalistic polished palm-wood
He turns to find Emily.
What the fuck is that?
Emily, our new writer.
Don't get me wrong, I'd hit it. You
know I'd hit it, but where is
A beat while they all look at each other. Dan steps forward.
Phantom, uh. She got a different
job. At Saturday Night Live. She's
not here anymore.
Quick clownin! This motherfucker be
clownin! No, tell me, where is she.
She's not here anymore. But, hey,
meet Jenny, she's new, too.
Yeah, don't give a shit. Syrah?
She's gone, ok! You left and she's
A rage wells in Phantom
AND I WILL FOLLOW HER! FOLLOW HER
WHERE SHE MAY GO! AND NEAR HER I
ALWAYS WILL BE. AND NOTHING CAN
KEEP ME AWAY, SHE IS MY DESTINY!
Isn't that that song?
Phantom SNAPS Pat unconscious.
His scream sends a powerful wave out from the office,
knocking everyone down. The sky turns black. Lightning.
TO BE CONTINUED