From CH Staff on
The Phantom woos Sarah through the universal language of terror.Subscribe to
By Streeter Seidell
EXT. STREET Sarah walks down the street listening to music. Phantom appears behind her and throws a bag over her head. She SCREAMS as Phantom pulls her into a van. The door is locked and Phantom has to struggle with the keys to get it open. He finally does, throws Sarah inside and they drive off. INT. PHANTOM'S LAIR It's a dank, dark room. Sarah is tied to a chair. Phantom sharpens a knife. Phantom pulls the bag from her head. SARAH PHANTOM! What. The. Fuck?! PHANTOM Why the harsh vibes, chicken little? SARAH That made no sense and...Jesus, is that a knife? Are you finally going to try to kill me?! Phantom laughs. PHANTOM This? NO! Ha! It's for my butchery. I would never carve up a woman like some Jack the Ripper impersonator! Phantom turns to put the knife back on his butcher's table. PHANTOM (sotto, devious) I burn them... SARAH What? Phantom turns back around. PHANTOM Nothing. Now, tell me, Syrah, wherefor art thou? SARAH Haven't you - PHANTOM Shakespeare! The bard! Which is actually a contraction of Besmirched Retard, which is what we called him. SARAH Great. I haven't worked at CollegeHumor in like a year! I got a new job. PHANTOM What are they paying you? I can match it! I can beat it! Phantom turns and begins to unroll a Van Gogh painting in a Louvre case. SARAH It's not about money, Phantom! He puts the painting back. PHANTOM Fine then. I have no choice but to keep you here, locked in my crypt, forever. You and Amelia will hit it off. SARAH Amelia? PHANTOM She had a heart for the air, but a body for the catacomb. Sarah tries to wriggle free PHANTOM Ha! Wriggle about, you worm on a hook! SARAH You're sick! Reveal Phantom has an actual worm on a hook. PHANTOM Wha? SARAH Oh, you really have a worm on a hook. PHANTOM A man needs a pet. SARAH Look, Phantom, I've moved on, OK? I have a new job now. And I have new friends, but I'll always love you guys. Not Pat, really, but the rest of you. And we can still hang out! Just, please, let me go. PHANTOM I can't do that, Syrah. I just can't. Phantom lights a torch. OMINOUS MUSIC SARAH (freaking out, crying) Phantom, no! What are you doing?! Please! I have a pet cat who needs me! Phantom chuckles a little PHANTOM (to self) Cat lady... SARAH And a boyfriend who loves me! And - END MUSIC PHANTOM Say what now? SARAH I have a boyfriend who loves me. I've had a boyfriend for, like, ever. Phantom puts the torch in a bucket and snuffs it out. PHANTOM For real? SARAH How did you not know that? PHANTOM I guess I never asked. Well, you're free to go! SARAH Really? Phantom unties her. PHANTOM Damaged goods. I ain't trying to get some clown's sloppy seconds. SARAH I mean, I'm still pretty attractive and - PHANTOM Peace up outta this bitch, Syrah! I ain't trying to shop at the Goodwill. I ain't trying to chew some ABC gum. I ain't trying to drive that certified pre-owned booty. I ain't - SARAH I GET IT! Are you only interested in virgins or something? PHANTOM (Using Sarah's voice) How did you not know that? Sarah is surprised. PHANTOM I've been working on impressions. Sarah walks to the door. She turns, dramatically. SARAH Is this it for us, Phantom? Will I ever see you again? Reveal Phantom is on Facebook, not paying attention. PHANTOM (to self) Why is there no sexual experience filter on this...What? SARAH Nothing. She leaves. Phantom is still on Facebook. PHANTOM (to self) Ugh, timeline. I need a goddamn cover photo now.