The Phantom woos Sarah through the universal language of terror.
By Streeter Seidell
Sarah walks down the street listening to music. Phantom
appears behind her and throws a bag over her head. She SCREAMS
as Phantom pulls her into a van. The door is locked and
Phantom has to struggle with the keys to get it open. He
finally does, throws Sarah inside and they drive off.
INT. PHANTOM'S LAIR
It's a dank, dark room. Sarah is tied to a chair. Phantom
sharpens a knife. Phantom pulls the bag from her head.
PHANTOM! What. The. Fuck?!
Why the harsh vibes, chicken
That made no sense and...Jesus, is
that a knife? Are you finally going
to try to kill me?!
This? NO! Ha! It's for my butchery.
I would never carve up a woman like
some Jack the Ripper impersonator!
Phantom turns to put the knife back on his butcher's table.
I burn them...
Phantom turns back around.
Nothing. Now, tell me, Syrah,
wherefor art thou?
Haven't you -
Shakespeare! The bard! Which is
actually a contraction of
Besmirched Retard, which is what we
Great. I haven't worked at
CollegeHumor in like a year! I got
a new job.
What are they paying you? I can
match it! I can beat it!
Phantom turns and begins to unroll a Van Gogh painting in a
It's not about money, Phantom!
He puts the painting back.
Fine then. I have no choice but to
keep you here, locked in my crypt,
forever. You and Amelia will hit it
She had a heart for the air, but a
body for the catacomb.
Sarah tries to wriggle free
Ha! Wriggle about, you worm on a
Reveal Phantom has an actual worm on a hook.
Oh, you really have a worm on a
A man needs a pet.
Look, Phantom, I've moved on, OK? I
have a new job now. And I have new
friends, but I'll always love you
guys. Not Pat, really, but the rest
of you. And we can still hang out!
Just, please, let me go.
I can't do that, Syrah. I just
Phantom lights a torch. OMINOUS MUSIC
(freaking out, crying)
Phantom, no! What are you doing?!
Please! I have a pet cat who needs
Phantom chuckles a little
And a boyfriend who loves me! And -
Say what now?
I have a boyfriend who loves me.
I've had a boyfriend for, like,
Phantom puts the torch in a bucket and snuffs it out.
How did you not know that?
I guess I never asked. Well, you're
free to go!
Phantom unties her.
Damaged goods. I ain't trying to get
some clown's sloppy seconds.
I mean, I'm still pretty attractive
Peace up outta this bitch, Syrah! I
ain't trying to shop at the
Goodwill. I ain't trying to chew
some ABC gum. I ain't trying to
drive that certified pre-owned
booty. I ain't -
I GET IT! Are you only interested
in virgins or something?
(Using Sarah's voice)
How did you not know that?
Sarah is surprised.
I've been working on impressions.
Sarah walks to the door. She turns, dramatically.
Is this it for us, Phantom? Will I
ever see you again?
Reveal Phantom is on Facebook, not paying attention.
Why is there no sexual experience
filter on this...What?
She leaves. Phantom is still on Facebook.
Ugh, timeline. I need a goddamn
cover photo now.