Hardly Working: Phantom Misses Sarah (Part 2)

By

Streeter Seidell

          EXT. STREET

          Sarah walks down the street listening to music. Phantom
          appears behind her and throws a bag over her head. She SCREAMS
          as Phantom pulls her into a van. The door is locked and
          Phantom has to struggle with the keys to get it open. He
          finally does, throws Sarah inside and they drive off.

          INT. PHANTOM'S LAIR

          It's a dank, dark room. Sarah is tied to a chair. Phantom
          sharpens a knife. Phantom pulls the bag from her head.

                              SARAH
                    PHANTOM! What. The. Fuck?!

                              PHANTOM
                    Why the harsh vibes, chicken
                    little?

                              SARAH
                    That made no sense and...Jesus, is
                    that a knife? Are you finally going
                    to try to kill me?!

          Phantom laughs.

                              PHANTOM
                    This? NO! Ha! It's for my butchery.
                    I would never carve up a woman like
                    some Jack the Ripper impersonator!

          Phantom turns to put the knife back on his butcher's table.

                              PHANTOM
                         (sotto, devious)
                    I burn them...

                              SARAH
                    What?

          Phantom turns back around.

                              PHANTOM
                    Nothing. Now, tell me, Syrah,
                    wherefor art thou?

                              SARAH
                    Haven't you -

                              PHANTOM
                    Shakespeare! The bard! Which is
                    actually a contraction of
                    Besmirched Retard, which is what we
                    called him.

                              SARAH
                    Great. I haven't worked at
                    CollegeHumor in like a year! I got
                    a new job.

                              PHANTOM
                    What are they paying you? I can
                    match it! I can beat it!

          Phantom turns and begins to unroll a Van Gogh painting in a
          Louvre case.

                              SARAH
                    It's not about money, Phantom!

          He puts the painting back.

                              PHANTOM
                    Fine then. I have no choice but to
                    keep you here, locked in my crypt,
                    forever. You and Amelia will hit it
                    off.

                              SARAH
                    Amelia?

                              PHANTOM
                    She had a heart for the air, but a
                    body for the catacomb.

          Sarah tries to wriggle free

                              PHANTOM
                    Ha! Wriggle about, you worm on a
                    hook!

                              SARAH
                    You're sick!

          Reveal Phantom has an actual worm on a hook.

                              PHANTOM
                    Wha?

                              SARAH
                    Oh, you really have a worm on a
                    hook.

                              PHANTOM
                    A man needs a pet.

                              SARAH
                    Look, Phantom, I've moved on, OK? I
                    have a new job now. And I have new
                    friends, but I'll always love you
                    guys. Not Pat, really, but the rest
                    of you. And we can still hang out!
                    Just, please, let me go.

                              PHANTOM
                    I can't do that, Syrah. I just
                    can't.

          Phantom lights a torch. OMINOUS MUSIC

                              SARAH
                         (freaking out, crying)
                    Phantom, no! What are you doing?!
                    Please! I have a pet cat who needs
                    me!

          Phantom chuckles a little

                              PHANTOM
                         (to self)
                    Cat lady...

                              SARAH
                    And a boyfriend who loves me! And -

          END MUSIC

                              PHANTOM
                    Say what now?

                              SARAH
                    I have a boyfriend who loves me.
                    I've had a boyfriend for, like,
                    ever.

          Phantom puts the torch in a bucket and snuffs it out.

                              PHANTOM
                    For real?

                              SARAH
                    How did you not know that?

                              PHANTOM
                    I guess I never asked. Well, you're
                    free to go!

                              SARAH
                    Really?

          Phantom unties her.

                              PHANTOM
                    Damaged goods. I ain't trying to get
                    some clown's sloppy seconds.

                              SARAH
                    I mean, I'm still pretty attractive
                    and -

                              PHANTOM
                    Peace up outta this bitch, Syrah! I
                    ain't trying to shop at the
                    Goodwill. I ain't trying to chew
                    some ABC gum. I ain't trying to
                    drive that certified pre-owned
                    booty. I ain't -

                              SARAH
                    I GET IT! Are you only interested
                    in virgins or something?

                              PHANTOM
                         (Using Sarah's voice)
                    How did you not know that?

          Sarah is surprised.

                              PHANTOM
                    I've been working on impressions.

          Sarah walks to the door. She turns, dramatically.

                              SARAH
                    Is this it for us, Phantom? Will I
                    ever see you again?

          Reveal Phantom is on Facebook, not paying attention.

                              PHANTOM
                         (to self)
                    Why is there no sexual experience
                    filter on this...What?

                              SARAH
                    Nothing.

          She leaves. Phantom is still on Facebook.

                              PHANTOM
                         (to self)
                    Ugh, timeline. I need a goddamn
                    cover photo now.