From CH Staff on
Objection! Witness is grinding the jury box. Check out Tony's new YouTube channel at youtube.com/ridechannel!
By Patrick Cassels
INT. SWELTERING TENNESSEE COURTROOM -- 1960S-ISH -- DAY A CROWD sits in the gallery. TONY HAWK sits at a table as a Southern PROSECUTOR in a sweat-stained white shirt paces by the JUDGE with a grin. PROSECUTOR Your honor, how you doin' this morning? I'm here today on behalf of the great State o' Tennessee to prove, once and for all, that skateboarding is, was and always has been a crime. (dramatic point to Hawk) And that this man, Anthony Francis Haywood Beuford Hawk, should be found guilty of perpetuatin' this most gnarly of offenses. JUDGE Mr. Hawk, would you like to make an opening remark? A little nervous, Hawk slowly rises. TONY HAWK (modern) Um, I guess that I think skateboarding is not a c-- An OLD WOMAN clutching a Bible jumps up behind Hawk. OLD WOMAN REPENT, HAWK! THERE IS NO HALF-PIPE THAT CAN LAUNCH YOU OUT OF HELL! TONY HAWK Ahhhhh! LATER, the Prosecutor examines a SHERIFF. PROSECUTOR And what was Mr. Hawk doing at the time? SHERIFF He'z riding one of those planks with wheels. HAWK (standing) Objection! Skateboarding is allowed in public areas. Everyone turns to the Sheriff. What will he say? SHERIFF Well, I just thought, "That doesn't look like something you should do. APPLAUSE. LATER, Hawk is on the stand. The Prosecutor approaches, tugging his suspenders casually. PROSECUTOR Mr. Hawk, exactly how long have you been riding these Devil-mobiles? TONY HAWK Pretty much my whole life. PROSECUTOR (to stenographer) Let the record show that Mr. Hawk was carving a pentagram into his chest when he answered. TONY HAWK Hey, no I wasn't! PROSECUTOR Fine, but lemme ask you sumthin', boy-- TONY HAWK I'm in my mid-40s. PROSECUTOR --If God wanted us to skateboard, why didn't he bless us with wheels instead of feet? Hm? TONY HAWK I don't know? PROSECUTOR And why did he give us legs, instead of trucks? Why did he not put really cool skull decals on our bellies, or adhesive tape on our-- HAWK I get it. PROSECUTOR (turns to courtroom; gloating) It's like it says in the Bible: "And lo, man shall not stand upon a wheeled plank, nor pull off a wicked indy with a 10-foot nose grind." MAN (crosses himself) Revelations 20:13. HAWK Lemme see that Bible! LATER, an EXPERT is on the stand. PROSECUTOR Now, I personally can think of nothing more sinful than someone launching off a vert ramp into a Kickfliip McTwist. But for those who need convincing, why don't you enlighten us, professor? EXPERT I've discovered several eyewitness accounts of skateboarding at some of history's greatest crimes. The lights dim. The expert flips through some slides: -Tony Hawk skating through the Nuremberg Rally, giving a high-five to Adolf Hitler. TONY HAWK That's obviously doctored! -Hawk leaping off the Balcony at Ford's Theatre as Lincoln lies, wounded. The crowd is CHEERING for Hawk. TONY HAWK This is insane! -An artists' rendering of Hawk grinding down a scared T-rex as a meteor crashes into Earth. TONY HAWK (beat) Okay that's one's kind of true. LATER, a SCIENTIST is on the stand, motioning to a blueprint of a railing. SCIENTIST I invented the railing to provide a stable grabbing surface for God-fearing, stair-climbing men and women. Not to be grinded on by some immoral beast trying to pull off a Frontside Boardslide. Nothing human uses a railing like that! (stands; then, to Hawk) YOU HAVE DISGRACED MY WORK, SIR! YOU HAVE DISGRACED THE WORK OF PHINEAS Q. RAILING! PROSECUTOR I rest my case. JUDGE I find you guilty, Mr. Hawk! And declare skateboarding a crime! TONY HAWK (jumps up) You can't! JUDGE Would you like to say anything before I pass sentence? TONY HAWK (upset, but stoic) There's nothing else you can do to me, sir. JUDGE You are hereby sentenced to change to a respectable mode of transportation. TONY HAWK What's that? The BAILIF places a Razor scooter in front of Hawk. GOD'S-EYE ANGLE on Hawk, who screams to the heavens. TONY HAWK Laaaaaaame! END.