Objection! Witness is grinding the jury box. Check out Tony's new YouTube channel at youtube.com/ridechannel!
By Patrick Cassels
INT. SWELTERING TENNESSEE COURTROOM -- 1960S-ISH -- DAY
A CROWD sits in the gallery. TONY HAWK sits at a table as a
Southern PROSECUTOR in a sweat-stained
white shirt paces by the JUDGE with a grin.
Your honor, how you doin' this
morning? I'm here today on behalf
of the great State o' Tennessee to
prove, once and for all, that
skateboarding is, was and always
has been a crime.
(dramatic point to Hawk)
And that this man, Anthony Francis
Haywood Beuford Hawk, should be
found guilty of perpetuatin' this
most gnarly of offenses.
Mr. Hawk, would you like to make an
A little nervous, Hawk slowly rises.
Um, I guess that I think
skateboarding is not a c--
An OLD WOMAN clutching a Bible jumps up behind Hawk.
REPENT, HAWK! THERE IS NO HALF-PIPE
THAT CAN LAUNCH YOU OUT OF HELL!
LATER, the Prosecutor examines a SHERIFF.
And what was Mr. Hawk doing at the
He'z riding one of those planks with
Objection! Skateboarding is allowed
in public areas.
Everyone turns to the Sheriff. What will he say?
Well, I just thought, "That doesn't
look like something you should do.
LATER, Hawk is on the stand. The Prosecutor approaches,
tugging his suspenders casually.
Mr. Hawk, exactly how long have you
been riding these Devil-mobiles?
Pretty much my whole life.
Let the record show that Mr. Hawk
was carving a pentagram into his
chest when he answered.
Hey, no I wasn't!
Fine, but lemme ask you sumthin',
I'm in my mid-40s.
--If God wanted us to skateboard,
why didn't he bless us with wheels
instead of feet? Hm?
I don't know?
And why did he give us legs,
instead of trucks? Why did he not
put really cool skull decals on our
bellies, or adhesive tape on our--
I get it.
(turns to courtroom; gloating)
It's like it says in the Bible:
"And lo, man shall not stand upon a
wheeled plank, nor pull off a
wicked indy with a 10-foot nose
Lemme see that Bible!
LATER, an EXPERT is on the stand.
Now, I personally can think of
nothing more sinful than someone
launching off a vert ramp into a
Kickfliip McTwist. But for those
who need convincing, why don't you
enlighten us, professor?
I've discovered several eyewitness
accounts of skateboarding at some of
history's greatest crimes.
The lights dim. The expert flips through some slides:
-Tony Hawk skating through the Nuremberg Rally, giving a
high-five to Adolf Hitler.
That's obviously doctored!
-Hawk leaping off the Balcony at Ford's Theatre as Lincoln
lies, wounded. The crowd is CHEERING for Hawk.
This is insane!
-An artists' rendering of Hawk grinding down a scared T-rex
as a meteor crashes into Earth.
Okay that's one's kind of true.
LATER, a SCIENTIST is on the stand, motioning to a blueprint
of a railing.
I invented the railing to provide a
stable grabbing surface for
God-fearing, stair-climbing men and
women. Not to be grinded on by some
immoral beast trying to pull off a
Frontside Boardslide. Nothing human
uses a railing like that!
(stands; then, to Hawk)
YOU HAVE DISGRACED MY WORK, SIR!
YOU HAVE DISGRACED THE WORK OF
PHINEAS Q. RAILING!
I rest my case.
I find you guilty, Mr. Hawk! And
declare skateboarding a crime!
Would you like to say anything
before I pass sentence?
(upset, but stoic)
There's nothing else you can do to
You are hereby sentenced to change
to a respectable mode of
The BAILIF places a Razor scooter in front of Hawk.
GOD'S-EYE ANGLE on Hawk, who screams to the heavens.