Skateboarding is a Crime (with Tony Hawk)

By

Patrick Cassels

          INT. SWELTERING TENNESSEE COURTROOM -- 1960S-ISH -- DAY

          A CROWD sits in the gallery. TONY HAWK sits at a table as a
          Southern PROSECUTOR in a sweat-stained
          white shirt paces by the JUDGE with a grin.

                              PROSECUTOR
                    Your honor, how you doin' this
                    morning? I'm here today on behalf
                    of the great State o' Tennessee to
                    prove, once and for all, that
                    skateboarding is, was and always
                    has been a crime.
                         (dramatic point to Hawk)
                    And that this man, Anthony Francis
                    Haywood Beuford Hawk, should be
                    found guilty of perpetuatin' this
                    most gnarly of offenses.

                              JUDGE
                    Mr. Hawk, would you like to make an
                    opening remark?

          A little nervous, Hawk slowly rises.

                              TONY HAWK
                         (modern)
                    Um, I guess that I think
                    skateboarding is not a c--

          An OLD WOMAN clutching a Bible jumps up behind Hawk.

                              OLD WOMAN
                    REPENT, HAWK! THERE IS NO HALF-PIPE
                    THAT CAN LAUNCH YOU OUT OF HELL!

                              TONY HAWK
                    Ahhhhh!

          LATER, the Prosecutor examines a SHERIFF.

                              PROSECUTOR
                    And what was Mr. Hawk doing at the
                    time?

                              SHERIFF
                    He'z riding one of those planks with
                    wheels.

                              HAWK
                         (standing)
                    Objection! Skateboarding is allowed
                    in public areas.

          Everyone turns to the Sheriff. What will he say?

                              SHERIFF
                    Well, I just thought, "That doesn't
                    look like something you should do.

          APPLAUSE.

          LATER, Hawk is on the stand. The Prosecutor approaches,
          tugging his suspenders casually.

                              PROSECUTOR
                    Mr. Hawk, exactly how long have you
                    been riding these Devil-mobiles?

                              TONY HAWK
                    Pretty much my whole life.

                              PROSECUTOR
                         (to stenographer)
                    Let the record show that Mr. Hawk
                    was carving a pentagram into his
                    chest when he answered.

                              TONY HAWK
                    Hey, no I wasn't!

                              PROSECUTOR
                    Fine, but lemme ask you sumthin',
                    boy--

                              TONY HAWK
                    I'm in my mid-40s.

                              PROSECUTOR
                    --If God wanted us to skateboard,
                    why didn't he bless us with wheels
                    instead of feet? Hm?

                              TONY HAWK
                    I don't know?

                              PROSECUTOR
                    And why did he give us legs,
                    instead of trucks? Why did he not
                    put really cool skull decals on our
                    bellies, or adhesive tape on our--

                              HAWK
                    I get it.

                              PROSECUTOR
                         (turns to courtroom; gloating)
                    It's like it says in the Bible:
                    "And lo, man shall not stand upon a
                    wheeled plank, nor pull off a
                    wicked indy with a 10-foot nose
                    grind."

                              MAN
                         (crosses himself)
                    Revelations 20:13.

                              HAWK
                    Lemme see that Bible!

          LATER, an EXPERT is on the stand.

                              PROSECUTOR
                    Now, I personally can think of
                    nothing more sinful than someone
                    launching off a vert ramp into a
                    Kickfliip McTwist. But for those
                    who need convincing, why don't you
                    enlighten us, professor?

                              EXPERT
                    I've discovered several eyewitness
                    accounts of skateboarding at some of
                    history's greatest crimes.

          The lights dim. The expert flips through some slides:

          -Tony Hawk skating through the Nuremberg Rally, giving a
          high-five to Adolf Hitler.

                              TONY HAWK
                    That's obviously doctored!

          -Hawk leaping off the Balcony at Ford's Theatre as Lincoln
          lies, wounded. The crowd is CHEERING for Hawk.

                              TONY HAWK
                    This is insane!

          -An artists' rendering of Hawk grinding down a scared T-rex
          as a meteor crashes into Earth.

                              TONY HAWK
                         (beat)
                    Okay that's one's kind of true.

          LATER, a SCIENTIST is on the stand, motioning to a blueprint
          of a railing.

                              SCIENTIST
                    I invented the railing to provide a
                    stable grabbing surface for
                    God-fearing, stair-climbing men and
                    women. Not to be grinded on by some
                    immoral beast trying to pull off a
                    Frontside Boardslide. Nothing human
                    uses a railing like that!
                         (stands; then, to Hawk)
                    YOU HAVE DISGRACED MY WORK, SIR!
                    YOU HAVE DISGRACED THE WORK OF
                    PHINEAS Q. RAILING!

                              PROSECUTOR
                    I rest my case.

                              JUDGE
                    I find you guilty, Mr. Hawk! And
                    declare skateboarding a crime!

                              TONY HAWK
                         (jumps up)
                    You can't!

                              JUDGE
                    Would you like to say anything
                    before I pass sentence?

                              TONY HAWK
                         (upset, but stoic)
                    There's nothing else you can do to
                    me, sir.

                              JUDGE
                    You are hereby sentenced to change
                    to a respectable mode of
                    transportation.

                              TONY HAWK
                    What's that?

          The BAILIF places a Razor scooter in front of Hawk.

          GOD'S-EYE ANGLE on Hawk, who screams to the heavens.

                              TONY HAWK
                    Laaaaaaame!

          END.