Hardly Working: Passive Assholes

By

Emily Axford & Patrick Cassels

          INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

          PAT and EMILY sit side by side at the table.

                              EMILY
                         (really low whisper)
                    Now, we need to be assertive.

                              PAT
                         (also low whisper)
                    But not too assertive.  We want to
                    step on toes.

                              EMILY
                         (whisper)
                    But not feet.

                              PAT
                         (whisper)
                    And definitely not ankles.

          SAM enters.

                              PAT/EMILY
                         (whispering but Sam can
                         clearly hear)
                    Oh, he's here.  He's here.

          Pat and Emily switch seats, for some reason, kind of
          crawling over each other.

                              EMILY
                    Have a seat.

                              SAM
                         (he is)
                    I'm already sitting.

                              EMILY
                    I was talking to him, but you're
                    right.
                         (accusingly)
                    Sam, I think you know why we've
                    called you in here.

                              SAM
                    You guys are mad because I didn't
                    invite you to taco night.

          More thinking, looking around.

                              PAT
                    We're not "mad."  No.  No.

                              EMILY
                    We're not, like "maaaad."
                         (as though reconsidering)
                    I mean--

          Pat and Emily look at each other, then back to Sam, shaking
          their head.

                              EMILY
                    No.

                              SAM
                    Because it seems like you guys are
                    mad.

                              PAT
                    Yeah.  But no!  God, no!

                              EMILY
                    I mean, are we "hurt?"

                              PAT
                    Absolutely.  Did it "anger" and
                    "upset" us.  I mean, who knows?

                              EMILY
                    Yes.  Resoundingly yes.

                              SAM
                    Okay, well, how about I apologize?

          Pat and Emily have another contemplative look, Emily taps
          her fingers on the table REALLY HARD.

                              PAT/EMILY
                    Yeah.  Yeah.  Yeah.  / God no!  God
                    no!  God no!

                              PAT
                    Would an apology help to... to
                    quell this... this...

          Pat snaps his fingers at Emily, looking for the right word.

                              EMILY
                    Raging?

                              PAT
                    No, not quite.  This... uh...

                              EMILY
                    Seething?

                              PAT
                    No, no...

                              EMILY
                    Venomous?

                              PAT
                         (frustrated whisper)
                    No what was that?

                              EMILY
                         (whisper)
                    I thought it was fine.

                              PAT
                         (whisper)
                    It wasn't.  It was stupid.  You are
                    stupid.

                              EMILY
                         (whisper)
                    You're stupid.  Wait, we're not
                    enemies.  He's putting us against
                    each other.  He's the enemy.

                              PAT
                         (whisper)
                    You're right.  I'm sorry.  He's a
                    bad person.  Okay, unified front.

                              EMILY
                         (whisper)
                    Be assertive.

          The switch chairs again, crawling over each other,
          whispering stuff like "Be assertive," "Shift up the energy,"
          and "We got this!"

                              SAM
                    You know what, I think you guys are
                    mad about taco night?  So why don't
                    I just apologize?

          Pat and Emily take a breath as if to talk, freeze their
          faces in deep though, and hold it for a long time. Sam
          stares, unsure, he's just getting up when they come back to
          life:

                              PAT/EMILY
                    Yes!  Well, no.  No?  Yes!  But
                    then again, no...

          Pat and Emily stumble over passive-aggressive Yes's and No's
          for 10 seconds. Sam gets up and heads to the door.

                              SAM
                    Yeah I'm gonna go.

                              PAT
                    What?!  You're gonna leave without
                    apologizing. 
                    Un-freaking-believable!

                              EMILY
                    Fine!  But you should know we're
                    gonna have our own taco night, and
                    you're not invited.  Are you mad?

                              SAM
                         (deadpan)
                    No.

                              PAT
                    There's gonna be three kinds of
                    cheeses.

                              SAM
                    I don't care.

                              EMILY
                    Cheddar.  Monterey Jack.  Sharp
                    cheddar.  Are you mad now?

                              SAM
                    No.  I really don't care.

                              PAT
                    Muenster.  Shredded cheddar. 
                    Crumbled cheddar.

          They continue listing cheeses as Sam keeps saying, "No."

          END.