From CH Staff on
They have something they'd like to say. Very, very slowly.
By Emily Axford & Patrick Cassels
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM PAT and EMILY sit side by side at the table. EMILY (really low whisper) Now, we need to be assertive. PAT (also low whisper) But not too assertive. We want to step on toes. EMILY (whisper) But not feet. PAT (whisper) And definitely not ankles. SAM enters. PAT/EMILY (whispering but Sam can clearly hear) Oh, he's here. He's here. Pat and Emily switch seats, for some reason, kind of crawling over each other. EMILY Have a seat. SAM (he is) I'm already sitting. EMILY I was talking to him, but you're right. (accusingly) Sam, I think you know why we've called you in here. SAM You guys are mad because I didn't invite you to taco night. More thinking, looking around. PAT We're not "mad." No. No. EMILY We're not, like "maaaad." (as though reconsidering) I mean-- Pat and Emily look at each other, then back to Sam, shaking their head. EMILY No. SAM Because it seems like you guys are mad. PAT Yeah. But no! God, no! EMILY I mean, are we "hurt?" PAT Absolutely. Did it "anger" and "upset" us. I mean, who knows? EMILY Yes. Resoundingly yes. SAM Okay, well, how about I apologize? Pat and Emily have another contemplative look, Emily taps her fingers on the table REALLY HARD. PAT/EMILY Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. / God no! God no! God no! PAT Would an apology help to... to quell this... this... Pat snaps his fingers at Emily, looking for the right word. EMILY Raging? PAT No, not quite. This... uh... EMILY Seething? PAT No, no... EMILY Venomous? PAT (frustrated whisper) No what was that? EMILY (whisper) I thought it was fine. PAT (whisper) It wasn't. It was stupid. You are stupid. EMILY (whisper) You're stupid. Wait, we're not enemies. He's putting us against each other. He's the enemy. PAT (whisper) You're right. I'm sorry. He's a bad person. Okay, unified front. EMILY (whisper) Be assertive. The switch chairs again, crawling over each other, whispering stuff like "Be assertive," "Shift up the energy," and "We got this!" SAM You know what, I think you guys are mad about taco night? So why don't I just apologize? Pat and Emily take a breath as if to talk, freeze their faces in deep though, and hold it for a long time. Sam stares, unsure, he's just getting up when they come back to life: PAT/EMILY Yes! Well, no. No? Yes! But then again, no... Pat and Emily stumble over passive-aggressive Yes's and No's for 10 seconds. Sam gets up and heads to the door. SAM Yeah I'm gonna go. PAT What?! You're gonna leave without apologizing. Un-freaking-believable! EMILY Fine! But you should know we're gonna have our own taco night, and you're not invited. Are you mad? SAM (deadpan) No. PAT There's gonna be three kinds of cheeses. SAM I don't care. EMILY Cheddar. Monterey Jack. Sharp cheddar. Are you mad now? SAM No. I really don't care. PAT Muenster. Shredded cheddar. Crumbled cheddar. They continue listing cheeses as Sam keeps saying, "No." END.