From CH Staff on
They've got that casual "don't care, don't live in a house" look.
By Jake Hurwitz
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY MR. STEVENS writes his name on the board. MR. STEVENS Hello, class. First, let me say I'm ecstatic the jeggings fad seems to be over. Second, fuck you guys, because this one is worse. DEREK What are you talking about? MR. STEVENS What are you wearing? DEREK is wearing acid pre-torn, acid-washed, and wrinkled jeans. DEREK Denim? Dude, it's a classic look. MR. STEVENS Okay, new rule: no jeans that look like someone did a bad job putting them through a paper shredder. STACY What about my acid-washed, broken-in, paint-stained tank top? MR. STEVENS Why do you want to wear clothes that look like you can't afford clothes? STACY Because it looks relaxed. Fogey. MR. STEVENS That word means old man, but it's from the 90s. TOM What about my shit-covered jacket? MR. STEVENS Apart from the fact that it's a jacket covered in shit, you're wearing like ten layers. Take it off. TOM It's... actually all one layer. Jeremy shows this off. MR. STEVENS Jesus. BECKY Do I have to take off my salsa stained skirt and my trashy boots? MR. STEVENS There's a big salsa stain on your crotch. BECKY Yeah, so it looks worn in. MR. STEVENS It looks like you suck at eating tortilla chips. Also, your boots are just paper bags and rubber bands. BECKY Yeah, so they look kinda "found." MR. STEVENS You smell like spoilt food. BECKY Whatever, fogey. MR. STEVENS I'm serious, does that word mean something new now? BECKY Evan smells too! MR. STEVENS That's not fair. Evan is poor. EVAN Hey! MR. STEVENS You are! Evan shrugs: "whatever." MR. STEVENS (CONT.) Bobby, is that a cup of change? BOBBY It's a wallet that makes it look like I gave up. MR. STEVENS And Monica; a bindle? MONICA It's a purse that makes it look like I gave up. MR. STEVENS Tyra; A SHOPPING CART?! TYRA It's a backpack that- MR. STEVENS I get it. Does that even fit on the bus? MONICA Eventually. MR. STEVENS Ashley, you're bleeding! ASHLEY I'm wearing a shank! MR. STEVENS YOU'RE GOING TO DIE. ASHLEY (slowly dying) Don't threaten me, fogey. MR. STEVENS Look, this is a private school. Tuition is like $18,000 a year. Stop dressing up like homeless people. STEVE We're not! MR. STEVENS You. Are. Holding. A. Sign. That. Says. HELP. HOMELESS. HUNGRY. STEVE That's the brand name! Mr. Stevens hurls a globe across the room. The students leap to attention. We cut to students wearing the following things as they're mentioned. MR. STEVENS All right, listen up you wannabe vagrant bitches! New rules! No broken in bras, no pre-shattered glasses, no trash bag ponchos, and most of all: NO PRE-TORN JEANS. Are we clear? The class grumbles: "okay, okay." MR. STEVENS (CONT.) You back there. Are we clear? MAN Do you have change? MR. STEVENS Oh my God. You're just a homeless guy. Did you follow the kids here? MAN I thought they were going to a shelter. MR. STEVENS Get out! MAN I fought for this country! The man pulls out a shank and charges at Mr. Stevens. MR. STEVENS Everyone run! The class scatters. END.