The Jeggings Gang Gets Pre-Torn Jeans

By

Jake Hurwitz

          INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

          MR. STEVENS writes his name on the board.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    Hello, class.  First, let me say
                    I'm ecstatic the jeggings fad seems
                    to be over.  Second, fuck you guys,
                    because this one is worse.

                              DEREK
                    What are you talking about?

                              MR. STEVENS
                    What are you wearing?

          DEREK is wearing acid pre-torn, acid-washed, and wrinkled
          jeans.

                              DEREK
                    Denim?  Dude, it's a classic look.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    Okay, new rule: no jeans that look
                    like someone did a bad job putting
                    them through a paper shredder.

                              STACY
                    What about my acid-washed,
                    broken-in, paint-stained tank top?

                              MR. STEVENS
                    Why do you want to wear clothes
                    that look like you can't afford
                    clothes?

                              STACY
                    Because it looks relaxed.  Fogey.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    That word means old man, but it's
                    from the 90s.

                              TOM
                    What about my shit-covered jacket?

                              MR. STEVENS
                    Apart from the fact that it's a
                    jacket covered in shit, you're
                    wearing like ten layers.  Take it
                    off.

                              TOM
                    It's... actually all one layer.

          Jeremy shows this off.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    Jesus.

                              BECKY
                    Do I have to take off my salsa
                    stained skirt and my trashy boots?

                              MR. STEVENS
                    There's a big salsa stain on your
                    crotch.

                              BECKY
                    Yeah, so it looks worn in.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    It looks like you suck at eating
                    tortilla chips. Also, your boots
                    are just paper bags and rubber
                    bands.

                              BECKY
                    Yeah, so they look kinda "found."

                              MR. STEVENS
                    You smell like spoilt food.

                              BECKY
                    Whatever, fogey.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    I'm serious, does that word mean
                    something new now?

                              BECKY
                    Evan smells too!

                              MR. STEVENS
                    That's not fair.  Evan is poor.

                              EVAN
                    Hey!

                              MR. STEVENS
                    You are!

          Evan shrugs: "whatever."

                              MR. STEVENS (CONT.)
                    Bobby, is that a cup of change?

                              BOBBY
                    It's a wallet that makes it look
                    like I gave up.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    And Monica; a bindle?

                              MONICA
                    It's a purse that makes it look
                    like I gave up.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    Tyra; A SHOPPING CART?!

                              TYRA
                    It's a backpack that-

                              MR. STEVENS
                    I get it.  Does that even fit on
                    the bus?

                              MONICA
                    Eventually.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    Ashley, you're bleeding!

                              ASHLEY
                    I'm wearing a shank!

                              MR. STEVENS
                    YOU'RE GOING TO DIE.

                              ASHLEY
                         (slowly dying)
                    Don't threaten me, fogey.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    Look, this is a private school. 
                    Tuition is like $18,000 a year. 
                    Stop dressing up like homeless
                    people.

                              STEVE
                    We're not!

                              MR. STEVENS
                    You. Are. Holding. A. Sign. That.
                    Says. HELP. HOMELESS. HUNGRY.

                              STEVE
                    That's the brand name!

          Mr. Stevens hurls a globe across the room.  The students
          leap to attention.  We cut to students wearing the following
          things as they're mentioned.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    All right, listen up you wannabe
                    vagrant bitches!  New rules!  No
                    broken in bras, no pre-shattered
                    glasses, no trash bag ponchos, and
                    most of all: NO PRE-TORN JEANS. 
                    Are we clear?

          The class grumbles: "okay, okay."

                              MR. STEVENS (CONT.)
                    You back there.  Are we clear?

                              MAN
                    Do you have change?

                              MR. STEVENS
                    Oh my God.  You're just a homeless
                    guy.  Did you follow the kids here?

                              MAN
                    I thought they were going to a
                    shelter.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    Get out!

                              MAN
                    I fought for this country!

          The man pulls out a shank and charges at Mr. Stevens.

                              MR. STEVENS
                    Everyone run!

          The class scatters.

          END.