From CH Staff on
Just because they're puppets doesn't mean they'll do whatever you want, dude.
By Brian Murphy
INT. NURSERY - LIVING ROOM We pan through an updated Muppet nursery, complete with My Chemical Romance posters and black lights. NANNY approaches teenage ROWLF and PIGGY. Rowlf listens to a very loud iPod. PUNK PIGGY thumbs through a hardcore magazine. NANNY Morning, kids! ROWLF / PIGGY (without looking up) Hi. NANNY Rowlf, why don't you play me a song on the piano? It's been so long! Rowlf takes his headphones off. ROWLF UGH. I HATE THE PIANO, OK? Stop telling people that I like piano. Pianos are gay. NANNY But you used to love it! ROWLF I NEVER LOVED IT. YOU CAN'T JUST TELL PEOPLE THAT I LOVE IT WHEN I DON'T. I'LL SUE YOU. Piggy shifts her position REVEALING a ripped skirt. NANNY Piggy! What did you do to your pretty dress? PIGGY Oh, I'm sorry? Is my individuality not "pretty" enough for you? Don't censor me, bitch. NANNY PIGGY! Piggy pulls out a cigarette and lights it. NANNY You- You can't smoke in here! PIGGY They let people smoke in prison. I guess you want your home to be worse than prison? OK. Fine. Be a Nazi. Heil Hitler, I guess. Piggy puts the cigarette out on the carpet. INT. NURSERY - SOMEWHERE ELSE KERMIT and GONZO are in the middle of an argument. KERMIT You're gay, dude. You said you were queer. GONZO I SAID I WAS WEIRD. KERMIT Dude, if you're gay, just tell me. GONZO OH MY GOD, I'M NOT GAY. I like chickens! KERMIT You like guy chickens? GONZO GIRL CHICKENS, DUDE. GIRL CHICKENS. SCOOTER approaches. SCOOTER Hey, guys? I'm trying to finish my homework, so- Kermit slaps a calculator out of his hand. KERMIT SHUT UP, QUEER! EXT. BACKYARD - DAY BUNSON and BEAKER mess around with a bottle rocket and matches. BUNSON Dude, I'm telling you. This is gonna be mad explosive. BEAKER (doubtful) Meep. BUNSON Don't freaking doubt me, Beaker. I read it on the Internet. You don't know more than the Internet, retard. Bunson finally strikes a match. The wick ignites. BEAKER (excited) MEEP! BUNSON Oh shit, I told you! Bunson holds the rocket over his crotch. BUNSON Yo, look. It's my dick. He laughs hysterically and lets go at the last second. The rocket shoots and explodes in Beaker's eye. Beaker grabs it and screams. BEAKER (horrified) MEEP! MEEP! MEEP! BUNSON DUDE, SHUT UP. NANNY'S GONNA HEAR. IT'S NOT THAT BAD. Beaker takes his hand off, revealing a terrible wound. BUNSON HOLY SHIT! Bunson runs off and jumps the fence. INT. NURSERY - TABLE AREA Gonzo films Kermit mixing condiments into a cup. FOZZY looks nervous, but tries to play it off. They're all giggling. FOZZY Dude, this is gonna be so funny. Kermit hacks a huge loogie and hands it over. Fozzy faces camera. FOZZY I'm Fozzy Bear and this is the snot cocktail. WAKKA WAKKA! Fozzy throws up the shocker, but hesitates when he sees the drink. KERMIT DRINK IT, PUSSY! Fozzy chokes it down. HUGE REACTION from the others. FOZZY DID YOU GET THAT? WAS IT FUNNY? KERMIT / GONZO NICE! / SICK DUDE! Fozzy clutches his stomach. FOZZY OH NO! I'M GONNA SPEW. Fozzy throws up violently. Gonzo keeps rolling. He and Kermit laugh hysterically. FOZZY Shit, dude. Go get Nanny. I'm really sick. KERMIT SHUT UP, QUEER! Kermit punches Fozzy in the stomach. He throws up more. END.