Muppet Teens

By

Brian Murphy

          INT. NURSERY - LIVING ROOM

          We pan through an updated Muppet nursery, complete with My
          Chemical Romance posters and black lights. NANNY approaches
          teenage ROWLF and PIGGY. Rowlf listens to a very loud iPod.
          PUNK PIGGY thumbs through a hardcore magazine.

                              NANNY
                    Morning, kids!

                              ROWLF / PIGGY
                         (without looking up)
                    Hi.

                              NANNY
                    Rowlf, why don't you play me a song
                    on the piano?  It's been so long!

          Rowlf takes his headphones off.

                              ROWLF   
                    UGH.  I HATE THE PIANO, OK?  Stop
                    telling people that I like piano. 
                    Pianos are gay.

                              NANNY
                    But you used to love it!

                              ROWLF
                    I NEVER LOVED IT.  YOU CAN'T JUST
                    TELL PEOPLE THAT I LOVE IT WHEN I
                    DON'T.  I'LL SUE YOU.

          Piggy shifts her position REVEALING a ripped skirt.

                              NANNY
                    Piggy!  What did you do to your
                    pretty dress?

                              PIGGY
                    Oh, I'm sorry?  Is my individuality
                    not "pretty" enough for you?  Don't
                    censor me, bitch.

                              NANNY
                    PIGGY!

          Piggy pulls out a cigarette and lights it.

                              NANNY
                    You- You can't smoke in here!

                              PIGGY
                    They let people smoke in prison.  I
                    guess you want your home to be worse
                    than prison?  OK.  Fine.  Be a
                    Nazi.  Heil Hitler, I guess.

          Piggy puts the cigarette out on the carpet.

          INT. NURSERY - SOMEWHERE ELSE

          KERMIT and GONZO are in the middle of an argument.

                              KERMIT
                    You're gay, dude.  You said you
                    were queer.

                              GONZO
                    I SAID I WAS WEIRD.

                              KERMIT
                    Dude, if you're gay, just tell me.

                              GONZO
                    OH MY GOD, I'M NOT GAY.  I like
                    chickens!

                              KERMIT
                    You like guy chickens?

                              GONZO
                    GIRL CHICKENS, DUDE.  GIRL
                    CHICKENS.

          SCOOTER approaches.

                              SCOOTER
                    Hey, guys?  I'm trying to finish my
                    homework, so-

          Kermit slaps a calculator out of his hand.

                              KERMIT
                    SHUT UP, QUEER!

          EXT. BACKYARD - DAY

          BUNSON and BEAKER mess around with a bottle rocket and
          matches.

                              BUNSON
                    Dude, I'm telling you.  This is
                    gonna be mad explosive.

                              BEAKER
                         (doubtful)
                    Meep.

                              BUNSON
                    Don't freaking doubt me, Beaker.  I
                    read it on the Internet.  You don't
                    know more than the Internet,
                    retard.

          Bunson finally strikes a match. The wick ignites.

                              BEAKER
                         (excited)
                    MEEP!

                              BUNSON
                    Oh shit, I told you!

          Bunson holds the rocket over his crotch.

                              BUNSON
                    Yo, look.  It's my dick.

          He laughs hysterically and lets go at the last second. The
          rocket shoots and explodes in Beaker's eye. Beaker grabs it
          and screams.

                              BEAKER
                         (horrified)
                    MEEP!  MEEP!  MEEP!

                              BUNSON
                    DUDE, SHUT UP.  NANNY'S GONNA
                    HEAR.  IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

          Beaker takes his hand off, revealing a terrible wound.

                              BUNSON
                    HOLY SHIT!

          Bunson runs off and jumps the fence.

          INT. NURSERY - TABLE AREA

          Gonzo films Kermit mixing condiments into a cup. FOZZY looks
          nervous, but tries to play it off. They're all giggling.

                              FOZZY
                    Dude, this is gonna be so funny.

          Kermit hacks a huge loogie and hands it over. Fozzy faces
          camera.

                              FOZZY
                    I'm Fozzy Bear and this is the snot
                    cocktail.  WAKKA WAKKA!

          Fozzy throws up the shocker, but hesitates when he sees the
          drink.

                              KERMIT
                    DRINK IT, PUSSY!

          Fozzy chokes it down. HUGE REACTION from the others.

                              FOZZY
                    DID YOU GET THAT?  WAS IT FUNNY?

                              KERMIT / GONZO
                    NICE!  / SICK DUDE!

          Fozzy clutches his stomach.

                              FOZZY
                    OH NO!  I'M GONNA SPEW.

          Fozzy throws up violently. Gonzo keeps rolling. He and
          Kermit laugh hysterically.

                              FOZZY
                    Shit, dude.  Go get Nanny.  I'm
                    really sick.

                              KERMIT
                    SHUT UP, QUEER!

          Kermit punches Fozzy in the stomach. He throws up more.

          END.