Just because they're puppets doesn't mean they'll do whatever you want, dude.
By Brian Murphy
INT. NURSERY - LIVING ROOM
We pan through an updated Muppet nursery, complete with My
Chemical Romance posters and black lights. NANNY approaches
teenage ROWLF and PIGGY. Rowlf listens to a very loud iPod.
PUNK PIGGY thumbs through a hardcore magazine.
ROWLF / PIGGY
(without looking up)
Rowlf, why don't you play me a song
on the piano? It's been so long!
Rowlf takes his headphones off.
UGH. I HATE THE PIANO, OK? Stop
telling people that I like piano.
Pianos are gay.
But you used to love it!
I NEVER LOVED IT. YOU CAN'T JUST
TELL PEOPLE THAT I LOVE IT WHEN I
DON'T. I'LL SUE YOU.
Piggy shifts her position REVEALING a ripped skirt.
Piggy! What did you do to your
Oh, I'm sorry? Is my individuality
not "pretty" enough for you? Don't
censor me, bitch.
Piggy pulls out a cigarette and lights it.
You- You can't smoke in here!
They let people smoke in prison. I
guess you want your home to be worse
than prison? OK. Fine. Be a
Nazi. Heil Hitler, I guess.
Piggy puts the cigarette out on the carpet.
INT. NURSERY - SOMEWHERE ELSE
KERMIT and GONZO are in the middle of an argument.
You're gay, dude. You said you
I SAID I WAS WEIRD.
Dude, if you're gay, just tell me.
OH MY GOD, I'M NOT GAY. I like
You like guy chickens?
GIRL CHICKENS, DUDE. GIRL
Hey, guys? I'm trying to finish my
Kermit slaps a calculator out of his hand.
SHUT UP, QUEER!
EXT. BACKYARD - DAY
BUNSON and BEAKER mess around with a bottle rocket and
Dude, I'm telling you. This is
gonna be mad explosive.
Don't freaking doubt me, Beaker. I
read it on the Internet. You don't
know more than the Internet,
Bunson finally strikes a match. The wick ignites.
Oh shit, I told you!
Bunson holds the rocket over his crotch.
Yo, look. It's my dick.
He laughs hysterically and lets go at the last second. The
rocket shoots and explodes in Beaker's eye. Beaker grabs it
MEEP! MEEP! MEEP!
DUDE, SHUT UP. NANNY'S GONNA
HEAR. IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
Beaker takes his hand off, revealing a terrible wound.
Bunson runs off and jumps the fence.
INT. NURSERY - TABLE AREA
Gonzo films Kermit mixing condiments into a cup. FOZZY looks
nervous, but tries to play it off. They're all giggling.
Dude, this is gonna be so funny.
Kermit hacks a huge loogie and hands it over. Fozzy faces
I'm Fozzy Bear and this is the snot
cocktail. WAKKA WAKKA!
Fozzy throws up the shocker, but hesitates when he sees the
DRINK IT, PUSSY!
Fozzy chokes it down. HUGE REACTION from the others.
DID YOU GET THAT? WAS IT FUNNY?
KERMIT / GONZO
NICE! / SICK DUDE!
Fozzy clutches his stomach.
OH NO! I'M GONNA SPEW.
Fozzy throws up violently. Gonzo keeps rolling. He and
Kermit laugh hysterically.
Shit, dude. Go get Nanny. I'm
SHUT UP, QUEER!
Kermit punches Fozzy in the stomach. He throws up more.