By Jared Neumark
INT. RESTAURANT -- NIGHT GWEN, a fashionably dressed woman in her mid-20s, enters a restaurant. She spots her date JOSH sitting at a table. He waves. She walks over. JOSH (nervous) You look nice tonight. Josh stands up. They hug. He's about to sit and then remembers to pull out her chair. It's awkward. GWEN Thanks. Hey, so you're acting weird. JOSH Yeah, there's just something I've wanted to tell you. The last couple months have been great and Gwen stops him. GWEN I've wanted to say the same thing. A beat passes. GWEN/JOSH (said as if "I Love You") Let's fuck sober. JOSH Oh my God, you said it too! GWEN Yeah, you know every time we go out, we have to get really drunk before we go home together. JOSH Right. Like we're trying to hide the awkwardness of seeing each other in such vulnerable states when we don't know each other that well. GWEN Exactly. And now it feels like our emotional comfort level has caught up with the physical side of our relationship. A WAITER arrives. WAITER Can I start you off with any wine this evening? Josh looks into Gwen's eyes, smiles and grabs her hand. JOSH No thank you. We're fucking sober tonight. WAITER Ah very nice. I'll give you a minute to look over the menu. The waiter leaves. He walks over to another WAITRESS, whispers and points and Josh and Gwen. The waitress reacts like this is super romantic. JOSH Oh wow. I'm just thinking about it. It's going to be so weird. GWEN Are you not ready? We can go slower. We can keep having sex so completely hammered that we don't even remember what positions we were in, or if it was good? JOSH That's sweet of you to offer, but I'm ready. Gwen's phone rings. She answers it. GWEN Hey Mom. Yeah, I'm out with Josh right now. Guess what? He said it! A beat passes as Mom responds. GWEN Mom, if anything we're more likely to use protection now. Gwen and Josh laugh. GWEN OK, gotta go. Bye! This is so exciting. I don't want to get too far ahead of ourselves, but I'd totally move in with you earlier than is normal because it's cost and space efficient for our urban lives. JOSH I'd poop in your apartment without rushing and trying to make you think I was peeing. They share another tender moment. At the front of a restaurant MADELINE, a mid-30s lounge singer takes the microphone. She has a SMALL BAND behind her. MADELINE Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Our first song goes out to the couple by the window who will be having sober sex for the very first time tonight. Other PATRONS in the restaurant clap as if it's an engagement announcement. The WAITER winks at Josh and Gwen, indicating he was the one who tipped her off. MADELINE (singing) Tonight is the night we make love without inebriates. It's a modern day love story, except we'd never say the "L" word -- that's way too binding. JOSH Why don't we just get out of here. GWEN OK! Gwen and Josh excitedly leave the table. INT. BEDROOM -- NIGHT Josh and Gwen have the covers over themselves. They kiss on the lips awkwardly, not very passionately. They stare up to the ceiling. JOSH I'm gonna go smoke a joint in the bathroom GWEN I think I have some Vicodin in my purse. They both hop out of bed.