It'll be a night to actually remember.
By Jared Neumark
INT. RESTAURANT -- NIGHT
GWEN, a fashionably dressed woman in her mid-20s, enters a
She spots her date JOSH sitting at a table. He waves. She
You look nice tonight.
Josh stands up. They hug. He's about to sit and then
remembers to pull out her chair. It's awkward.
Thanks. Hey, so you're acting
Yeah, there's just something I've
wanted to tell you. The last couple
months have been great and
Gwen stops him.
I've wanted to say the same thing.
A beat passes.
(said as if "I Love You")
Let's fuck sober.
Oh my God, you said it too!
Yeah, you know every time we go
out, we have to get really drunk
before we go home together.
Right. Like we're trying to hide
the awkwardness of seeing each
other in such vulnerable states
when we don't know each other that
Exactly. And now it feels like our
emotional comfort level has caught
up with the physical side of our
A WAITER arrives.
Can I start you off with any wine
Josh looks into Gwen's eyes, smiles and grabs her hand.
No thank you. We're fucking sober
Ah very nice. I'll give you a
minute to look over the menu.
The waiter leaves. He walks over to another WAITRESS,
whispers and points and Josh and Gwen.
The waitress reacts like this is super romantic.
Oh wow. I'm just thinking about it.
It's going to be so weird.
Are you not ready? We can go
slower. We can keep having sex so
completely hammered that we don't
even remember what positions we
were in, or if it was good?
That's sweet of you to offer, but
Gwen's phone rings. She answers it.
Hey Mom. Yeah, I'm out with Josh
right now. Guess what? He said it!
A beat passes as Mom responds.
Mom, if anything we're more likely
to use protection now.
Gwen and Josh laugh.
OK, gotta go. Bye! This is so
exciting. I don't want to get too
far ahead of ourselves, but I'd
totally move in with you earlier
than is normal because it's cost
and space efficient for our urban
I'd poop in your apartment without
rushing and trying to make you
think I was peeing.
They share another tender moment.
At the front of a restaurant MADELINE, a mid-30s lounge
singer takes the microphone. She has a SMALL BAND behind
Good evening ladies and gentlemen.
Our first song goes out to the
couple by the window who will be
having sober sex for the very first
Other PATRONS in the restaurant clap as if it's an
The WAITER winks at Josh and Gwen, indicating he was the one
who tipped her off.
Tonight is the night we make love
without inebriates. It's a modern
day love story, except we'd never
say the "L" word -- that's way too
Why don't we just get out of here.
Gwen and Josh excitedly leave the table.
INT. BEDROOM -- NIGHT
Josh and Gwen have the covers over themselves. They kiss on
the lips awkwardly, not very passionately. They stare up to
I'm gonna go smoke a joint in the
I think I have some Vicodin in my
They both hop out of bed.