Sober Sex

By

Jared Neumark

          INT. RESTAURANT -- NIGHT

          GWEN, a fashionably dressed woman in her mid-20s, enters a
          restaurant.

          She spots her date JOSH sitting at a table. He waves. She
          walks over.

                              JOSH
                         (nervous)
                    You look nice tonight.

          Josh stands up. They hug. He's about to sit and then
          remembers to pull out her chair. It's awkward.

                              GWEN
                    Thanks. Hey, so you're acting
                    weird.

                              JOSH
                    Yeah, there's just something I've
                    wanted to tell you. The last couple
                    months have been great and

          Gwen stops him.

                              GWEN
                    I've wanted to say the same thing.

          A beat passes.

                              GWEN/JOSH
                         (said as if "I Love You")
                    Let's fuck sober.

                              JOSH
                    Oh my God, you said it too!

                              GWEN
                    Yeah, you know every time we go
                    out, we have to get really drunk
                    before we go home together.

                              JOSH
                    Right. Like we're trying to hide
                    the awkwardness of seeing each
                    other in such vulnerable states
                    when we don't know each other that
                    well.

                              GWEN
                    Exactly. And now it feels like our
                    emotional comfort level has caught
                    up with the physical side of our
                    relationship.

          A WAITER arrives.

                              WAITER
                    Can I start you off with any wine
                    this evening?

          Josh looks into Gwen's eyes, smiles and grabs her hand.

                              JOSH
                    No thank you. We're fucking sober
                    tonight.

                              WAITER
                    Ah very nice. I'll give you a
                    minute to look over the menu.

          The waiter leaves. He walks over to another WAITRESS,
          whispers and points and Josh and Gwen.

          The waitress reacts like this is super romantic. 

                              JOSH
                    Oh wow. I'm just thinking about it.
                    It's going to be so weird.

                              GWEN
                    Are you not ready? We can go
                    slower. We can keep having sex so
                    completely hammered that we don't
                    even remember what positions we
                    were in, or if it was good?

                              JOSH
                    That's sweet of you to offer, but
                    I'm ready. 

          Gwen's phone rings. She answers it.

                              GWEN
                    Hey Mom. Yeah, I'm out with Josh
                    right now. Guess what? He said it!

          A beat passes as Mom responds.

                              GWEN
                    Mom, if anything we're more likely
                    to use protection now.

          Gwen and Josh laugh.

                              GWEN
                    OK, gotta go. Bye! This is so
                    exciting. I don't want to get too
                    far ahead of ourselves, but I'd
                    totally move in with you earlier
                    than is normal because it's cost
                    and space efficient for our urban
                    lives.

                              JOSH
                    I'd poop in your apartment without
                    rushing and trying to make you
                    think I was peeing.

          They share another tender moment.

          At the front of a restaurant MADELINE, a mid-30s lounge
          singer takes the microphone. She has a SMALL BAND behind
          her.

                              MADELINE
                    Good evening ladies and gentlemen.
                    Our first song goes out to the
                    couple by the window who will be
                    having sober sex for the very first
                    time tonight.

          Other PATRONS in the restaurant clap as if it's an
          engagement announcement.

          The WAITER winks at Josh and Gwen, indicating he was the one
          who tipped her off.

                              MADELINE
                         (singing)
                    Tonight is the night we make love
                    without inebriates. It's a modern
                    day love story, except we'd never
                    say the "L" word -- that's way too
                    binding.

                              JOSH
                    Why don't we just get out of here.

                              GWEN
                    OK!

          Gwen and Josh excitedly leave the table.

          INT. BEDROOM -- NIGHT

          Josh and Gwen have the covers over themselves. They kiss on
          the lips awkwardly, not very passionately. They stare up to
          the ceiling.

                              JOSH
                    I'm gonna go smoke a joint in the
                    bathroom

                              GWEN
                    I think I have some Vicodin in my
                    purse.

          They both hop out of bed.