POV: Eating a Salad

By

Owen Parsons

          INT. CAFE - DAY

          YOU approach the counter of a cafe, looking up at the menu.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    All right.  Brand new me.  Had an
                    apple for breakfast, got my free
                    preliminary trial gym membership.

          You hold up a card: "Tough Joe’s Gym - Fake Member."

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    ...and now for lunch I'll have a
                    nice, healthy salad - OHMYGOD, they
                    have Cheezy Slider Slammers!

          Menu: "NEW! Cheezy Slider Slammers (with dunkin' cheez)!
          Just $2.99!" Pictured: pile of burgers drizzled with nacho
          cheese. A fat hand smushes one burger into a cheese cup.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    I have to get that!  You only live
                    once!  Then again, you only live
                    until you eat 3 pounds of cheese in
                    one sitting . Gotta focus.

                              YOU
                    Can I have a salad, please?

                              REGISTER PERSON
                    Today's special is a mescalin mix
                    with plum tomato, bacon, toasted
                    artisan breadcrumbs & low-fat spa
                    ranch lemon olive vinaigrette.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    I heard bacon.

                              YOU
                    That please.  Aaand extra dressing.

                              REGISTER PERSON
                    That comes to #32.50.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    Geez, how do pretty people stay so
                    rich?

          You empty out your wallet on the counter, then take your
          tray with a salad on it. You turn and approach the tables.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    I'll tuck into this, then a quick
                    power-jog back to the office, then-

                              WORK FRIEND 1
                    Hey!  Hey man, over here!

          Pan to reveal some hefty dudes eating at a table. They wave
          you over. Each one is eating a pile of cheezy burgers.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    Oh no, it's fat guy lunch club.

                              YOU
                    Hey-hey guys!  You eat here, too?

                              WORK FRIEND 1
                    Every Tuesday, man.  Have you tried
                    their Cheezy Slammers?  SO good!

                              YOU
                    I actually got a salad.  Eating
                    healthy, you know.

                              WORK FRIEND 1
                    Totally.  Dom's rocking' a salad,
                    too.  What kind is that, Dom?

          Pan left: DOM, the biggest dude, digs into a pile of cheesy
          burgers on a bed of lettuce.

                              DOM
                    Cheezy Slider Salad.  Diets are so
                    hard, guys.  Real tough.

          He forks an entire burger into his mouth.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    Okay, ignore them.  Fresh veggies
                    probably taste better than
                    rpocessesd cheese mess anyway.

          You take a bite. Lettucey crunching sound. Beat.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    Oh.  Oh god.  Is this waht being
                    healthy tastes like?  It's like I'm
                    eating out of a lawnmower bag.

          You take another bite. Your stomach grumbles.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    Ugh.  I think each bite is actually
                    making me hungrier.

          Your cell phone rings. The screen reads GIRLFRIEND with the
          image of a healthy jogging girl. You answer it.

                              HEALTHY GF (O.S.)
                    Hey babe.  How's the diet?  Just
                    wanted totell you not to eat a big
                    lunch - I found a great vegan
                    granola broth recipe for dinner
                    tonight.

                              YOU
                         (teary)
                    That sounds great!  I love you!

                              HEALTHY GF (O.S.)
                    Are you crying?

          You hang up.

                              YOU
                    Okay, let's get some dressing up in
                    here.  Just a couple drops.

          You open the PACKET OF DRESSING and drip dressing on slowly.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    One drop, two, three...

          On three you empty the entire thing onto your salad &
          desperately squeeze out every drop. You continue eating.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                         (lying to yourself)
                    Mmmm. I love this.  Nothing tastes
                    better than being healhty!

          You look up. Friends are finishing their meal orgasmically.

                              WORK FRIEND 1
                    GOD, SO GOOD.  I'm getting another.

          He gets up. Others murmur agreement & follow. Dom stays.

                              DOM
                    Yo, grab me some chipotle gravy!

          You look back down to your salad desperately.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    She said there was bacon in here,
                    right?  Where are you, bacon?  I
                    need you more than I've ever needed
                    you.

          He starts picking around the salad, digging in the lettuce
          with his fork. He pulls items out as he names them.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    Let's see.  Half a tomato.  Great. 
                    An olive pit.  What is- a
                    pinecone?  Jesus, is this why
                    fashion models never smile?

                              DOM
                    Dude, you want some of my cheezy
                    slider slammer milkshake
                    frappucheeseno?  So good.

          Dom thrusts forward a jumbo sized cup.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    Yes.

                              YOU
                         (with effort)
                    No.  I brough my water bottle.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    And if I hit you with it, it might
                    stun you long enough for me to make
                    off with that glorious foodpile. 
                    That counts as exercise, right?

                              DOM
                    You sure?  It's got J vitamins.

                              YOU
                    No thanks, I... I... oh, fuck it.

          You grab the drink and start guzzling it.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    Oh my god!  Oh, sweet backon, you
                    beautiful flavor, there you are! 
                    I'm fat and I don't care!  It's
                    okay now!  Everything's going to be
                    okay!

                              HEALTHY GF (O.S.)
                    WHAT are you DOING?

          You drop the cup to reveal your Girlfriend standing outside
          the cafe window in jogging gear, staring at you accusingly.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    Uh oh.  Say something!

          You belch loudly.

                              YOU (V.O.)
                    Something else.

          END.