From CH Staff on
That which does not kill you makes you healthier.
By Owen Parsons
INT. CAFE - DAY YOU approach the counter of a cafe, looking up at the menu. YOU (V.O.) All right. Brand new me. Had an apple for breakfast, got my free preliminary trial gym membership. You hold up a card: "Tough Joe’s Gym - Fake Member." YOU (V.O.) ...and now for lunch I'll have a nice, healthy salad - OHMYGOD, they have Cheezy Slider Slammers! Menu: "NEW! Cheezy Slider Slammers (with dunkin' cheez)! Just $2.99!" Pictured: pile of burgers drizzled with nacho cheese. A fat hand smushes one burger into a cheese cup. YOU (V.O.) I have to get that! You only live once! Then again, you only live until you eat 3 pounds of cheese in one sitting . Gotta focus. YOU Can I have a salad, please? REGISTER PERSON Today's special is a mescalin mix with plum tomato, bacon, toasted artisan breadcrumbs & low-fat spa ranch lemon olive vinaigrette. YOU (V.O.) I heard bacon. YOU That please. Aaand extra dressing. REGISTER PERSON That comes to #32.50. YOU (V.O.) Geez, how do pretty people stay so rich? You empty out your wallet on the counter, then take your tray with a salad on it. You turn and approach the tables. YOU (V.O.) I'll tuck into this, then a quick power-jog back to the office, then- WORK FRIEND 1 Hey! Hey man, over here! Pan to reveal some hefty dudes eating at a table. They wave you over. Each one is eating a pile of cheezy burgers. YOU (V.O.) Oh no, it's fat guy lunch club. YOU Hey-hey guys! You eat here, too? WORK FRIEND 1 Every Tuesday, man. Have you tried their Cheezy Slammers? SO good! YOU I actually got a salad. Eating healthy, you know. WORK FRIEND 1 Totally. Dom's rocking' a salad, too. What kind is that, Dom? Pan left: DOM, the biggest dude, digs into a pile of cheesy burgers on a bed of lettuce. DOM Cheezy Slider Salad. Diets are so hard, guys. Real tough. He forks an entire burger into his mouth. YOU (V.O.) Okay, ignore them. Fresh veggies probably taste better than rpocessesd cheese mess anyway. You take a bite. Lettucey crunching sound. Beat. YOU (V.O.) Oh. Oh god. Is this waht being healthy tastes like? It's like I'm eating out of a lawnmower bag. You take another bite. Your stomach grumbles. YOU (V.O.) Ugh. I think each bite is actually making me hungrier. Your cell phone rings. The screen reads GIRLFRIEND with the image of a healthy jogging girl. You answer it. HEALTHY GF (O.S.) Hey babe. How's the diet? Just wanted totell you not to eat a big lunch - I found a great vegan granola broth recipe for dinner tonight. YOU (teary) That sounds great! I love you! HEALTHY GF (O.S.) Are you crying? You hang up. YOU Okay, let's get some dressing up in here. Just a couple drops. You open the PACKET OF DRESSING and drip dressing on slowly. YOU (V.O.) One drop, two, three... On three you empty the entire thing onto your salad & desperately squeeze out every drop. You continue eating. YOU (V.O.) (lying to yourself) Mmmm. I love this. Nothing tastes better than being healhty! You look up. Friends are finishing their meal orgasmically. WORK FRIEND 1 GOD, SO GOOD. I'm getting another. He gets up. Others murmur agreement & follow. Dom stays. DOM Yo, grab me some chipotle gravy! You look back down to your salad desperately. YOU (V.O.) She said there was bacon in here, right? Where are you, bacon? I need you more than I've ever needed you. He starts picking around the salad, digging in the lettuce with his fork. He pulls items out as he names them. YOU (V.O.) Let's see. Half a tomato. Great. An olive pit. What is- a pinecone? Jesus, is this why fashion models never smile? DOM Dude, you want some of my cheezy slider slammer milkshake frappucheeseno? So good. Dom thrusts forward a jumbo sized cup. YOU (V.O.) Yes. YOU (with effort) No. I brough my water bottle. YOU (V.O.) And if I hit you with it, it might stun you long enough for me to make off with that glorious foodpile. That counts as exercise, right? DOM You sure? It's got J vitamins. YOU No thanks, I... I... oh, fuck it. You grab the drink and start guzzling it. YOU (V.O.) Oh my god! Oh, sweet backon, you beautiful flavor, there you are! I'm fat and I don't care! It's okay now! Everything's going to be okay! HEALTHY GF (O.S.) WHAT are you DOING? You drop the cup to reveal your Girlfriend standing outside the cafe window in jogging gear, staring at you accusingly. YOU (V.O.) Uh oh. Say something! You belch loudly. YOU (V.O.) Something else. END.