As seen on Fox Seuss.
By Adam Conover
The LITTLE BOY from the Lorax stands in a grove of Truffula
Trees, planting trees and tending after the forest. A much
older voice -- the boy, all grown up -- narrates.
Way back in the year Six Hundred
Sniggledy-Sneeze I was taking good
care of the Truffula Trees. I gave
them fresh water, and fed them
fresh air I planted new Truffulas
and grew them with care.
The boy kicks a bunch of Oncelers in Seussian tree-chopping
machines out of the forest.
I kept the trees safe from the axes
that hack so the Lorax and all of his
friends would come back.
The boy finishes hammering in a sign reading "Truffula
Preserve" and looks at it proudly.
When all of a sudden I heard a
ga-ZUMMER! And a strange little man
popped out of a Hummer.
A Seussian Hummer limo rolls up. The door opens, and the
Lorax pops out, dressed in a sharp suit.
(Parentheses indicate the narrator reading part of the line)
What's going on here? (he said with
a shout) What's the meaning of
kicking these good axe-men out?
But you're the Lorax! (I said), You
speak for the trees!
I was! But that was before I read
The Lorax pulls out some books.
Atlas Shrugged, End the Fed, and
the National Review
Not to mention a well placed
donation or two.
One of the Oncelers hands him some cash.
Now I am the Lorax and I speak for
free markets! So why are you making
the Thneed industry targets?
I'm trying to care for the Truffula
trees Because trees are the one
thing that all people need!
Won't you think of the poor little
Wall Street Tycoots, prancing so
free in their Brooks Brothers
A ways away, a group of fuzzy little bears in expensive
suits huddle on a Seussian trading floor, looking pathetic
despite the wads of money sticking out of their pockets.
They provided capital to finance
ThneedCo If they don't make a
profit they all will go broke! The
Tycoots are the economic engine
today. We need regulation to get out
of their way!
A few of the Tycoots faint, dramatically, as though from
hunger. The boy holds his nose up self-righteously.
Why should I care for those fatty
Tycoots? I think they're greedy and
all in cahoots! I'd rather the
forest be wild and free You can't
put a price on a Truffula tree!
As a matter of fact, you can, to
the cent! This park is maintained
at Jaxpayer expense.
Nearby is an area full of pitiful-looking "Jaxpayers",
Seussian-Americans with "Jaxpayer" written on their shirts
waving little American flags. Honestly the conceit is
getting a little thin at this point.
If you keep it open they'll be
pounded to jam By the Uvvulous
Gruvvulous Unkulus Sam!
Jaxpayers run in fear as a slavering monster in a red-white
and blue top hat advances towards them. It catches the
slowest Jaxpayers and pounds them into the ground with its
giant fists, greedily consuming the cash that falls out of
The boy looks startled and afraid.
But isn't it worth a hobuck or
two to save a green spot that all
people can use?
The Lorax claps his hands together with glee.
Well that's just it boy, you've
said more than you knew! ThneedCo's
a person and it has rights too!
A nearby ThneedCo factory sprouts a face and looks sad. It
has nowhere to play!
It's not fair to keep Truffulas for
just folks like us when corporate
entities love trees so much!
The factory sheds big wet tears. The boy looks at the sad
factory, the sick Tycoots, and the injured Jaxpayers. His
heart swells, and he feels sorry for them.
The Lorax puts his hand on his shoulder. He speaks tenderly.
And come now my boy, we have bigger
worries! Like deficits, debt, and
He points aways away, where a bunch of sombrero-wearing
fur balls with teeth gnash behind a wall. The boy looks
(quietly and persuasively)
When Gramerica's facing REAL
beasties like these, ss our biggest
concern really Truffula Trees?
The boy stares at everything the Lorax has shown him. It
makes a lot of sense.
The Lorax was right -- he was sharp
as a tack. Who was I to hold the
Holding an axe, the Lorax looks at him expectantly. The boy
nods in resignation. The Lorax chops down the sign, and The
Oncelers stream into the forest and start hacking down
trees. Nearby, the Tycoots, suddenly flush with cash, smoke
cigars and review profit projections while the ThneedCo
factory whistles happily.
The boy watches all of this while standing forlornly on a
pile of stones, which reads "UNLESS."
And then from the sky, I saw
something fall, the last Truffula
seed, the last one of all
A seed falls into the boy's palm. He closes his fist over it
Unless someone like me cares a
whole awful a lot, nothing's ever
going to get better, it's NOT!
The Lorax bends over his shoulder and grabs the seed.
Sorry my boy, but that seed's GMO.
It's patented property of Monsanto.
Iris out on the Lorax, who winks at the camera.