The Conservative Lorax

By

Adam Conover

         The LITTLE BOY from the Lorax stands in a grove of Truffula
          Trees, planting trees and tending after the forest. A much
          older voice -- the boy, all grown up -- narrates.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Way back in the year Six Hundred
                    Sniggledy-Sneeze I was taking good
                    care of the Truffula Trees. I gave
                    them fresh water, and fed them
                    fresh air I planted new Truffulas
                    and grew them with care.

          The boy kicks a bunch of Oncelers in Seussian tree-chopping
          machines out of the forest.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    I kept the trees safe from the axes
                    that hack so the Lorax and all of his
                    friends would come back.

          The boy finishes hammering in a sign reading "Truffula
          Preserve" and looks at it proudly.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    When all of a sudden I heard a
                    ga-ZUMMER! And a strange little man
                    popped out of a Hummer.

          A Seussian Hummer limo rolls up. The door opens, and the
          Lorax pops out, dressed in a sharp suit.

          (Parentheses indicate the narrator reading part of the line)

                              LORAX
                    What's going on here? (he said with
                    a shout) What's the meaning of
                    kicking these good axe-men out?

                              BOY
                    But you're the Lorax! (I said), You
                    speak for the trees!

                              LORAX
                    I was! But that was before I read
                    these.

          The Lorax pulls out some books.

                              LORAX
                    Atlas Shrugged, End the Fed, and
                    the National Review
                         (aside)
                    Not to mention a well placed
                    donation or two.

          One of the Oncelers hands him some cash.

                              LORAX
                    Now I am the Lorax and I speak for
                    free markets! So why are you making
                    the Thneed industry targets?

                              BOY
                    I'm trying to care for the Truffula
                    trees Because trees are the one
                    thing that all people need!

                              LORAX
                    Won't you think of the poor little
                    Wall Street Tycoots, prancing so
                    free in their Brooks Brothers
                    suits?

          A ways away, a group of fuzzy little bears in expensive
          suits huddle on a Seussian trading floor, looking pathetic
          despite the wads of money sticking out of their pockets.

                              LORAX
                    They provided capital to finance
                    ThneedCo If they don't make a
                    profit they all will go broke! The
                    Tycoots are the economic engine
                    today. We need regulation to get out
                    of their way!

          A few of the Tycoots faint, dramatically, as though from
          hunger. The boy holds his nose up self-righteously.

                              BOY
                    Why should I care for those fatty
                    Tycoots? I think they're greedy and
                    all in cahoots! I'd rather the
                    forest be wild and free You can't
                    put a price on a Truffula tree!

                              LORAX
                    As a matter of fact, you can, to
                    the cent! This park is maintained
                    at Jaxpayer expense.

          Nearby is an area full of pitiful-looking "Jaxpayers",
          Seussian-Americans with "Jaxpayer" written on their shirts
          waving little American flags. Honestly the conceit is
          getting a little thin at this point.

                              LORAX
                    If you keep it open they'll be
                    pounded to jam By the Uvvulous
                    Gruvvulous Unkulus Sam!

          Jaxpayers run in fear as a slavering monster in a red-white
          and blue top hat advances towards them. It catches the
          slowest Jaxpayers and pounds them into the ground with its
          giant fists, greedily consuming the cash that falls out of
          their pockets.

          The boy looks startled and afraid.

                              BOY
                         (unsure)
                    But isn't it worth a hobuck or
                    two to save a green spot that all
                    people can use?

          The Lorax claps his hands together with glee.

                              LORAX
                    Well that's just it boy, you've
                    said more than you knew! ThneedCo's
                    a person and it has rights too!

          A nearby ThneedCo factory sprouts a face and looks sad. It
          has nowhere to play!

                              LORAX
                    It's not fair to keep Truffulas for
                    just folks like us when corporate
                    entities love trees so much!

          The factory sheds big wet tears. The boy looks at the sad
          factory, the sick Tycoots, and the injured Jaxpayers. His
          heart swells, and he feels sorry for them.

          The Lorax puts his hand on his shoulder. He speaks tenderly.

                              LORAX
                    And come now my boy, we have bigger
                    worries! Like deficits, debt, and
                    Illegal Imgurries

          He points aways away, where a bunch of sombrero-wearing
          fur balls with teeth gnash behind a wall. The boy looks
          fearful.

                              LORAX
                         (quietly and persuasively)
                    When Gramerica's facing REAL
                    beasties like these, ss our biggest
                    concern really Truffula Trees?

          The boy stares at everything the Lorax has shown him. It
          makes a lot of sense.

                              NARRATOR
                    The Lorax was right -- he was sharp
                    as a tack.  Who was I to hold the
                    economy back?

          Holding an axe, the Lorax looks at him expectantly. The boy
          nods in resignation. The Lorax chops down the sign, and The
          Oncelers stream into the forest and start hacking down
          trees. Nearby, the Tycoots, suddenly flush with cash, smoke
          cigars and review profit projections while the ThneedCo
          factory whistles happily.

          The boy watches all of this while standing forlornly on a
          pile of stones, which reads "UNLESS."

                              NARRATOR
                    And then from the sky, I saw
                    something fall, the last Truffula
                    seed, the last one of all

          A seed falls into the boy's palm. He closes his fist over it
          resolutely.

                              BOY
                         (to himself)
                    Unless someone like me cares a
                    whole awful a lot, nothing's ever
                    going to get better, it's NOT!

          The Lorax bends over his shoulder and grabs the seed.

                              LORAX
                    Sorry my boy, but that seed's GMO.
                    It's patented property of Monsanto.

          Iris out on the Lorax, who winks at the camera.