OPENING SEQUENCE: c.1995. Over CLASSICAL MUSIC cross-
dissolves on DUNCAN SCOTT(65), a classic British butler
dressed in a butler’s uniform, as he preforms various “upper
class” tasks and then looks to the camera.
Tasks include: feather-dusting a chandelier, trimming a
hedge, adjusting the pendulum on a grandfather clock,
brushing a man’s topcoat with a clothes brush, etc.
INSERT TITLE: animated in Spencerian script with glittering
FX: “Minding your Manners with Duncan Scott”
INT. A FORMAL DINING ROOM - NIGHT
Duncan is standing at the head of the table. Seated at the
table are FOUR MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN. One of them, CAROL is
played by Josh. “She” is fat and disheveled.
Welcome ladies and
welcome to all of you. Tonight, we
will be learning the proper way to
set the formal dining table. There
is much to learn and discover, so
let's begin first as we often do,
with a toast.
Duncan and the ladies raise a Champagne glass. Carol seems
surprised by this and joins in late.
EVERYONE BUT CAROL
To the good life!
(coming in late)
To the good life! Jeez, I didn't
know we could drink on this show!
Everyone but Carol takes a sip of their Champagne and places
the glass back on the table. Carol chugs hers.
A SERIES OF JUMP CUTS: Sir Duncan explains to the ladies how
to set the table.
Now we begin with what many
consider to be the most important
plate and that is, of course, the
Charger ad it is placed in front of
each chair two inches from the edge
--You're sweet. You know that!
With that accent! God!
More JUMP CUTS. AD-LIBBED:
The water glass should stand
directly above the dinner knife.
The white wine glass stands to the
right of the water glass and the
red wine glass rests between the
first two glasses at the top.
I like your outfit. When's
dinner? I need some padding. Do
you know I drove out from Akron?
All The other ladies are mortified.
More JUMP CUTS. Duncan continues to explain in detail the
proper way to set a formal table. Carol is seen sneaking
Who's got time for this? Sir
Duncan, have you ever kissed a girl
before? Sir Duncan, what's the
weirdest thing you ever ate? Mine
was a jar of pickle juice. On
the way over here in my car.
ALL LADIES BUT CAROL
Fine! I'm trying to listen too!
Carol is now standing and trying to kiss Duncan.
(scuffling with Carol)
Sit down! Please!
Carol is sulking at the table.
And that is how one properly sets a
table for a formal dining event.
Suddenly, Carol VOMITS all over the dinner table. She begin
to gather the entire tablecloth up as all the dishing come
Don't worry. I've got this.