Crazy Woman Ruins Manners Show

By

Josh Ruben & Mitch Magee

          OPENING SEQUENCE: c.1995. Over CLASSICAL MUSIC cross-
          dissolves on DUNCAN SCOTT(65), a classic British butler
          dressed in a butler’s uniform, as he preforms various “upper
          class” tasks and then looks to the camera.

          Tasks include: feather-dusting a chandelier, trimming a
          hedge, adjusting the pendulum on a grandfather clock,
          brushing a man’s topcoat with a clothes brush, etc.

          INSERT TITLE: animated in Spencerian script with glittering
          FX: “Minding your Manners with Duncan Scott”

          INT. A FORMAL DINING ROOM - NIGHT

          Duncan is standing at the head of the table. Seated at the
          table are FOUR MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN. One of them, CAROL is
          played by Josh. “She” is fat and disheveled.

                              DUNCAN
                    Welcome ladies and
                         (to camera)
                    welcome to all of you.  Tonight, we
                    will be learning the proper way to
                    set the formal dining table.  There
                    is much to learn and discover, so
                    let's begin first as we often do,
                    with a toast.

          Duncan and the ladies raise a Champagne glass. Carol seems
          surprised by this and joins in late.

                              EVERYONE BUT CAROL
                    To the good life!

                              CAROL
                         (coming in late)
                    To the good life!  Jeez, I didn't
                    know we could drink on this show!

          Everyone but Carol takes a sip of their Champagne and places
          the glass back on the table. Carol chugs hers.

          CUT TO:

          A SERIES OF JUMP CUTS: Sir Duncan explains to the ladies how
          to set the table.

                              DUNCAN
                    Now we begin with what many
                    consider to be the most important
                    plate and that is, of course, the
                    Charger ad it is placed in front of
                    each chair two inches from the edge
                    of the--

                              CAROL
                    --You're sweet.  You know that! 
                    With that accent!  God!

          More JUMP CUTS. AD-LIBBED:

                              DUNCAN
                    The water glass should stand
                    directly above the dinner knife. 
                    The white wine glass stands to the
                    right of the water glass and the
                    red wine glass rests between the
                    first two glasses at the top.

                              CAROL
                    I like your outfit.  When's
                    dinner?  I need some padding.  Do
                    you know I drove out from Akron?

          All The other ladies are mortified.

          More JUMP CUTS. Duncan continues to explain in detail the
          proper way to set a formal table. Carol is seen sneaking
          drinks.

                              CAROL
                         (multiple ad-libs)
                    Who's got time for this?  Sir
                    Duncan, have you ever kissed a girl
                    before?  Sir Duncan, what's the
                    weirdest thing you ever ate?  Mine
                    was a jar of pickle juice.  On
                    the way over here in my car.

                              ALL LADIES BUT CAROL
                    Shhh!

                              CAROL
                    Fine!  I'm trying to listen too!

          JUMP TO:

          Carol is now standing and trying to kiss Duncan.

                              DUNCAN
                         (scuffling with Carol)
                    Sit down!  Please!

                              CAROL
                    Okay fine!

          JUMP TO:

          Carol is sulking at the table.

                              DUNCAN
                    And that is how one properly sets a
                    table for a formal dining event.

          Suddenly, Carol VOMITS all over the dinner table. She begin
          to gather the entire tablecloth up as all the dishing come
          crashing together.

                              CAROL
                         (drunk)
                    Don't worry.  I've got this.