From CH Staff on
In this episode of VHS, an etiquette class gets way too polite.
By Josh Ruben & Mitch Magee
OPENING SEQUENCE: c.1995. Over CLASSICAL MUSIC cross- dissolves on DUNCAN SCOTT(65), a classic British butler dressed in a butler’s uniform, as he preforms various “upper class” tasks and then looks to the camera. Tasks include: feather-dusting a chandelier, trimming a hedge, adjusting the pendulum on a grandfather clock, brushing a man’s topcoat with a clothes brush, etc. INSERT TITLE: animated in Spencerian script with glittering FX: “Minding your Manners with Duncan Scott” INT. A FORMAL DINING ROOM - NIGHT Duncan is standing at the head of the table. Seated at the table are FOUR MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN. One of them, CAROL is played by Josh. “She” is fat and disheveled. DUNCAN Welcome ladies and (to camera) welcome to all of you. Tonight, we will be learning the proper way to set the formal dining table. There is much to learn and discover, so let's begin first as we often do, with a toast. Duncan and the ladies raise a Champagne glass. Carol seems surprised by this and joins in late. EVERYONE BUT CAROL To the good life! CAROL (coming in late) To the good life! Jeez, I didn't know we could drink on this show! Everyone but Carol takes a sip of their Champagne and places the glass back on the table. Carol chugs hers. CUT TO: A SERIES OF JUMP CUTS: Sir Duncan explains to the ladies how to set the table. DUNCAN Now we begin with what many consider to be the most important plate and that is, of course, the Charger ad it is placed in front of each chair two inches from the edge of the-- CAROL --You're sweet. You know that! With that accent! God! More JUMP CUTS. AD-LIBBED: DUNCAN The water glass should stand directly above the dinner knife. The white wine glass stands to the right of the water glass and the red wine glass rests between the first two glasses at the top. CAROL I like your outfit. When's dinner? I need some padding. Do you know I drove out from Akron? All The other ladies are mortified. More JUMP CUTS. Duncan continues to explain in detail the proper way to set a formal table. Carol is seen sneaking drinks. CAROL (multiple ad-libs) Who's got time for this? Sir Duncan, have you ever kissed a girl before? Sir Duncan, what's the weirdest thing you ever ate? Mine was a jar of pickle juice. On the way over here in my car. ALL LADIES BUT CAROL Shhh! CAROL Fine! I'm trying to listen too! JUMP TO: Carol is now standing and trying to kiss Duncan. DUNCAN (scuffling with Carol) Sit down! Please! CAROL Okay fine! JUMP TO: Carol is sulking at the table. DUNCAN And that is how one properly sets a table for a formal dining event. Suddenly, Carol VOMITS all over the dinner table. She begin to gather the entire tablecloth up as all the dishing come crashing together. CAROL (drunk) Don't worry. I've got this.