The safest thing you can do is not listen to him.
By Brian Murphy & Owen Parsons
INT. OFFICE THE GANG works at their desks. The FIRE ALARM sounds. General frustration from the workers. PAT stands up. PAT Great, fire drill! WORKERS gather at the door. Fire Marshal GERRY, a retired New York firefighter with a mustache, waits for them holding a clipboard. The alarm stops. GERRY Scoot closer, bring it in. Bring it in. Good morning! I am your building's fire marshal. Silence. GERRY Enough jokes. This is a fire drill, I'm here to inform you about proper fire safety procedure in this building. Crowd is bored. GERRY I want to commend you on assembling quickly and efficiently. Great start. Fires are scared of large groups of people. Confused looks from the crowd. GERRY Now when you're evacuating during a fire, the first thing you're gonna want to do is file out quickly in an orderly line. Nods from the crowd. GERRY But you need to fight that instinct. This is fire, people. You will die if you stay calm. A.B.S. Always. Be. Sprinting. Anyone who slows down gets trampled. General concern from the crowd. GERRY If you get an opportunity to hop the rail and fall the length of the stairwell, I suggest you take it. Boom. Ya just movin' faster. Fire can't fall. Advantage, you. OWEN raises his hand. GERRY Questions at the end. INT. OFFICE - DOOR WAY Gerry leans in front of a door while the workers watch. GERRY You're gonna wanna check all doors before opening them. Hold the back of your hand to the knob. Hotter it is, safer it is to open. THe knob is absorbing most of the heat, so that's less fire that can burn you. And if a piece of your clothing catches on fire, what do you do? Gerry points to PAT. PAT Stop, drop, and roll. GERRY Stop, drop, and wait. Last thing we need is a bunch of people rollin' around on fire. That's dangerous. INT. OFFICE - DESK AREA Gerry hops up on a desk. GERRY Leading cause of death during a fire is- Gerry points to EMILY. EMILY Smoke inhalation. GERRY Wrong. Fire is the leading cause of death. Smoke cannot kill you, it is a gas. Fire is way hotter. Literally as hot as fire. INT. OFFICE - KITCHEN Gerry addresses everyone. GERRY If you see a fire but do not hear an alarm, do not tell anyone. It will scare your co-workers. Go back to your desk and work quietly. 3 out of 10 fires just go out for no reason. Any questions? Owen raises his hand again. GERRY Questions at the end. INT. OFFICE - ELEVATOR LOBBY Gerry is in front of the elevator buttons. GERRY During a fire, the elevator is- Gerry points to JOSH. JOSH (knows he's wrong) A safe place. GERRY Wrong. (Beat) The safest place. 21 years on the job I have never seen a fire use an elevator. Fires can't call elevators; they don't have brains. INT. OFFICE - FIRE PHONE AREA Gerry shows off the fire warden phone. GERRY This line goes directly to the building fire marshal, that's me. In the event of a fire, do not use this phone. This is your fire, don't drag me into this. I don't like fires. I'm scared of fires. INT. OFFICE - ORIGINAL FIRE DRILL LOCATION Gerry is back at the original drill location. GERRY ...and that wraps up our talk for today. Moving on, I've set several practice fires throughout the office to simulate an actual fire. Any questions? Owen raises his hand. OWEN What's the difference between a practice fire and a real fire? Fire bursts through the door and sets Gerry on fire. Everyone screams. GERRY (shouting) Go time, people! I'm just gonna wait this one out! Everyone else, trample your way to the elevator! He lays down on the ground. Slam wide to reveal everyone else has run away. Gerry slowly burns on the ground. GERRY (sighs) Really do not like fire. END.