Google is Full of Crap

By

Adam Conover

          INT. GOOGLE X LABS

          PAVEL, a Google engineer, stands in a sleek Google lab.
          Pavel is a typical Google engineer type, a slightly awkward
          Eastern European who's still a little nerd-cool. He speaks
          with a slightly stilted accent.

                              PAVEL
                    I'm Pavel, an engineer at Google X
                    Labs.  Today we're going to preview
                    some of the exciting new
                    technologies that Google will be
                    bringing to life in the near
                    future.

          Pavel stands in a sparsely decorated lab.

                              PAVEL
                    Ever since we released the concept
                    video for Google Glass, the whole
                    world has been buzzing our
                    augmented reality glasses. Here's
                    what we think the final product
                    will look like.

          He holds up a pair of super sleek empty frames.

                              PAVEL
                    As you can see, very stylish. Hugo
                    here is wearing our first working
                    prototype.

          He gestures to the side, where another engineer, HUGO, is
          wearing a huge contraption of glass and exposed wires that
          wraps around his entire head.

                              HUGO
                    We're still working on the
                    hardware, the software, the
                    interface, and on getting the
                    battery smaller...

          He gestures. Three huge car batteries dangle from his belt.

                              HUGO
                    But Project Glass will be ready to
                    go any day now.

          Pavel holds up another pair of glasses.

                              PAVEL
                    We were also thinking the frames
                    could come in tortoiseshell.

          EXT. GOOGLE X LABS

          Pavel stands in front of the lab building.

                              PAVEL
                    Next, there is Google's amazing
                    self-driving car, which we debuted
                    in our super-cool YouTube video
                    last month.

          The self-driving car inches slowly into frame behind him.

                              PAVEL
                    And although it's currently illegal
                    for it to be on the road in --
                         (he check his clipboard)
                    -- any state, we think the idea of
                    being driven around by a robot car
                    is really awesome.

          The car starts gently bumping into a wall, like a Roomba
          stuck in a corner.

          INT. GOOGLE X LABS

          Pavel walks through a hallway.

                              PAVEL
                    What other dreams are we bringing
                    to life?

          Pavel stops at a door that's next to a blown-up photo of
          Michael J. Fox hoverboarding in BTTF.

                              PAVEL
                    One word: Hoverboards.

          Pavel opens the door: Behind it is an engineer RANDALL
          standing on a skateboard that's up on two cinder blocks. A
          crowd of investors stand nearby.

                              RANDALL
                    It's gonna be just like this,
                    except I'm FLYING!

          The investors all applaud wildly. Pavel closes the door and
          starts walking-and-talking down the hall again.

                              PAVEL
                    No matter how impossible, Google is
                    going to make your fantasies a
                    reality. Next year, we'll be
                    releasing the Google Talking Dog...

          He passes PIA, a female engineer, trying to teach a dog to
          talk.

                              PIA
                    Good morning Scraps!

          Scraps barks.

                              PAVEL
                    And soon after that, our real life
                    Wolverine claws.

          Behind him, PETE, an engineer with a bunch of steak knives
          duct taped to his hand slashes at a dummy. The knives all
          fall to the floor with a clatter.

                              PETE
                    Shipping in 2013!

                              PAVEL
                    Now, we know these projects look a
                    little half-baked. But cut us a
                    break -- we're an internet search
                    company! We don't know how to build
                    cars or magic glasses! But in here
                    is the nerve center of the
                    operation.

          He opens a final door. In contrast to the sparse, empty labs
          we've seen previously, this room is full of SERIOUS
          ENGINEERS focused intently on COMPLICATED WORKSTATIONS.

                              PAVEL
                    This is where we make the concept
                    videos.

          He approaches SANDRA, a serious looking engineer who looks
          like she works at NASA by way of CSI. She's editing
          furiously and purposefully.

                              PAVEL
                    We just put up a new video, and it
                    already has over ten million views.
                    Can we take a look, Sandra?

                              SANDRA
                    Sure thing.

          We push in on the screen, which fades to:

          INT. BROOKLYN APARTMENT - USER'S POV

          Sun streams into a Brooklyn apartment as generically
          uplifting indie music plays. The user's POV, overlaid with
          Google Glass graphics, looks down as he cleans his real-life
          Wolverine claws. He turns his head to see A GOLDEN RETRIEVER
          is panting at him.

                              DOG
                    I'm hungry!

                              USER
                    Ok. Where's the nearest pet food
                    store?

          A map appears on the HUD.

                              USER
                    Ok. Mr. Buttles, would you bring my
                    hoverboard around please?

          Mr. Buttles, a robot butler with a Google logo on it,
          shuffles in carrying a hoverboard. MR. BUTTLES (robotic
          monkey noises)
                    YOUR HOVERBOARD, SIR.

          He tosses the hoverboard down. It catches itself just above
          the ground. The POV "hops on."

                              DOG
                    You're my best friend, Sam.

                              USER
                    Right back atcha buddy.

          FADE TO:

          TEXT: "Google. It'll happen. We swear."