From CH Staff on
North Korea's sexiest leader chooses a bride. Three billion disintegrate from sorrow.
By Ben Joseph
A catchy RAP SONG plays over STILL IMAGES of Kim Jong Un’s exploits: He does a cool snowboarding trick. Leo DiCaprio holds him on the bow of the Titanic. He beats RoboCop in arm wrestling. He finishes a perfect game of Operation. RAPPER All the honeys love KJ, his flow so fine. / Missing his show owuld be a crime. / Missing his show would be a crime. (low, serious) The punishment is castration by donkey. QUICK WARNING GRAPHIC of DONKEY biting a MAN’S CROTCH. RAPPER The Adventures of Kim! Jong! Un! Over a TITLE CARD: ROBOT MINISTER (V.O.) Today's episode! Wedlock Ceremony Crisis Hour Go! INT. CHAPEL KIM JONG UN and his bride, RI JOL SU, stand at the altar. The ROBOT MINISTER presides. ROBOT MINISTER Finally, the two most perfect human beings will be joined in matrimony! RI JOL SU Oh, Kim Jong Un! Nothing could make me happier than marrying you of my own free will! ROBOT MINISTER If there are any objections to these two being wed, speak now and - (right into camera) -face immediate execution. A L/3rd FLASHES: REPORT SLANDER AND DISSENT! IT IS YOUR DUTY! MAN'S VOICE (O.S.) WE OBJECT! SLAM! The doors crash open, revealing... ROBOT MINISTER (O.S.) Bradley Pitt?? Goregous Clooney?? Ryan Gosling-Reynolds?? (Ryan Gosling-Reynolds wears the scorpion jacket from Drive over a Green Lantern costume.) BRADLEY I don't care how handsome and well-endowed you are, Kim Jong Un! Ri Jol Su will be our bride! ROBOT MINISTER But there are three of you and only one of her! RYAN GOSLING-REYNOLDS Ha ha ha! In denerate America she can marry all three of us! GORGEOUS CLOONEY (holding it up) AND this baby goat! Which is also gay! RYAN GOSLING-REYNOLDS ATTACK!!!!!!!!!! The Americas charge Kim Jong Un. Kim Jong Un sprouts LASER WOLVERINE CLAWS and parries each of their attacks in turn. RYAN GOSLING-REYNOLDS He fights with the beauty of a cherry tree blossoming in winter! (angry) But not well enough! LASER! He fires a GREEN LASER from his crotch. Kim Jong Un easily dodges it with a back handspring. However, it hits RI SOL JU!! EPIC FREEZE FRAME as the blast knocks her down and goes straight through the wall behind her. FOUR-WAY SPLITSCREEN as the American’s shout in horror and Kim Jong Un’s face doesn’t move: RYAN GOSLING-REYNOLDS NOOOOOOOOO!!! Suddenly, the GROUND SHAKES. ROBOT MINISTER You fools! Your attack has weakened the barrier wall! AERIAL SHOT of the chapel. It’s surrounded by a CIRCULAR WALL, keeping a MASSIVE (APPARENTLY ANGRY) CROWD AT BAY ROBOT MINISTER All the women who desire Kim Jong Un for themselves are no longer restrained! A horde of ANIME BABES and FURRIES appear at the hole in the wall. ANIME BABES If we can't have Kim Jong Un, NOBODY CAN! The babes CHARGE Kim Jong Un. CLOSE on Kim Jong Un’s face as semi-transparent images illustrate the following: DEEP-VOICED NARRATOR (V.O.) (nope, we've never heard him before) Kim Jong Un suddenly remembered he was the orphaned son of a dying alien race and his mere presence on this planet gave him the super ability to fly at great speeds. Kim Jong Un scoops up Kim Sol Ju and BLAST OFF into the sky, leaving the Americans to be trampled by the Anime babes. BRADLEY (as he's trampled) Our deaths are the inevitable result of capitalist excess!!! EXT. SKY Kim Jong Un soars through the sky, holding the weakend Ri Sol Ju in his arms. RI JOL SU I'm... I'm dying Kim Jong Un. Please... So that we may be together... Transfer my spirit into a robot that looks exactly like Anne Hathaway. Ri Sol Ju’s eyes close. Kim Jong Un bows his head. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SECRET UNDERGROUND LAB LIGHTNING as Kim Jong Un uses an ELABORATE MACHINE transfer’s Ri Sol Ju’s spirit into a ANNE HATHAWAY ROBOT. The robot opens her eyes. RI JOL SU My love! I'm alive! Let us go play Starcraft, which I now agree is a worthwhile, masculine pursuit! She hops into his arms and kisses him on the cheek. A TINY SMILE comes onto Kim Jong Un’s face... ...when a GIANT FIRE FIST crashes up through the floor, grabs them, and pulls them down into a FIERY PIT, where a giant DEVIL KIM JONG UN consumes them both. ROLL CREDITS. END.