North Korea's sexiest leader chooses a bride. Three billion disintegrate from sorrow.
By Ben Joseph
A catchy RAP SONG plays over STILL IMAGES of Kim Jong Un’s
exploits: He does a cool snowboarding trick. Leo DiCaprio
holds him on the bow of the Titanic. He beats RoboCop in arm
wrestling. He finishes a perfect game of Operation.
All the honeys love KJ, his flow so
fine. / Missing his show owuld be a
crime. / Missing his show would be
The punishment is castration by
QUICK WARNING GRAPHIC of DONKEY biting a MAN’S CROTCH.
The Adventures of Kim! Jong! Un!
Over a TITLE CARD:
ROBOT MINISTER (V.O.)
Today's episode! Wedlock Ceremony
Crisis Hour Go!
KIM JONG UN and his bride, RI JOL SU, stand at the altar.
The ROBOT MINISTER presides.
Finally, the two most perfect human
beings will be joined in matrimony!
RI JOL SU
Oh, Kim Jong Un! Nothing could
make me happier than marrying you
of my own free will!
If there are any objections to
these two being wed, speak now and
(right into camera)
-face immediate execution.
A L/3rd FLASHES: REPORT SLANDER AND DISSENT! IT IS YOUR
MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
SLAM! The doors crash open, revealing...
ROBOT MINISTER (O.S.)
Bradley Pitt?? Goregous Clooney??
(Ryan Gosling-Reynolds wears the scorpion jacket from Drive
over a Green Lantern costume.)
I don't care how handsome and
well-endowed you are, Kim Jong Un!
Ri Jol Su will be our bride!
But there are three of you and only
one of her!
Ha ha ha! In denerate America she
can marry all three of us!
(holding it up)
AND this baby goat! Which is also
The Americas charge Kim Jong Un. Kim Jong Un sprouts LASER
WOLVERINE CLAWS and parries each of their attacks in turn.
He fights with the beauty of a
cherry tree blossoming in winter!
But not well enough! LASER!
He fires a GREEN LASER from his crotch. Kim Jong Un easily
dodges it with a back handspring. However, it hits RI SOL
JU!! EPIC FREEZE FRAME as the blast knocks her down and goes
straight through the wall behind her.
FOUR-WAY SPLITSCREEN as the American’s shout in horror and
Kim Jong Un’s face doesn’t move:
Suddenly, the GROUND SHAKES.
You fools! Your attack has
weakened the barrier wall!
AERIAL SHOT of the chapel. It’s surrounded by a CIRCULAR
WALL, keeping a MASSIVE (APPARENTLY ANGRY) CROWD AT BAY
All the women who desire Kim Jong
Un for themselves are no longer
A horde of ANIME BABES and FURRIES appear at the hole in the
If we can't have Kim Jong Un,
The babes CHARGE Kim Jong Un. CLOSE on Kim Jong Un’s face as
semi-transparent images illustrate the following:
DEEP-VOICED NARRATOR (V.O.)
(nope, we've never heard him
Kim Jong Un suddenly remembered he
was the orphaned son of a dying
alien race and his mere presence on
this planet gave him the super
ability to fly at great speeds.
Kim Jong Un scoops up Kim Sol Ju and BLAST OFF into the sky,
leaving the Americans to be trampled by the Anime babes.
(as he's trampled)
Our deaths are the inevitable
result of capitalist excess!!!
Kim Jong Un soars through the sky, holding the weakend Ri
Sol Ju in his arms.
RI JOL SU
I'm... I'm dying Kim Jong Un.
Please... So that we may be
together... Transfer my spirit into
a robot that looks exactly like
Ri Sol Ju’s eyes close. Kim Jong Un bows his head.
INT. SECRET UNDERGROUND LAB
LIGHTNING as Kim Jong Un uses an ELABORATE MACHINE
transfer’s Ri Sol Ju’s spirit into a ANNE HATHAWAY ROBOT.
The robot opens her eyes.
RI JOL SU
My love! I'm alive! Let us go
play Starcraft, which I now agree
is a worthwhile, masculine pursuit!
She hops into his arms and kisses him on the cheek. A TINY
SMILE comes onto Kim Jong Un’s face...
...when a GIANT FIRE FIST crashes up through the floor,
grabs them, and pulls them down into a FIERY PIT, where a
giant DEVIL KIM JONG UN consumes them both. ROLL CREDITS.