The Adventures of Kim Jong Un (Part 3)

By

Ben Joseph

          A catchy RAP SONG plays over STILL IMAGES of Kim Jong Un’s
          exploits: He does a cool snowboarding trick. Leo DiCaprio
          holds him on the bow of the Titanic. He beats RoboCop in arm
          wrestling. He finishes a perfect game of Operation.

                              RAPPER
                    All the honeys love KJ, his flow so
                    fine. / Missing his show owuld be a
                    crime. / Missing his show would be
                    a crime.
                         (low, serious)
                    The punishment is castration by
                    donkey.

          QUICK WARNING GRAPHIC of DONKEY biting a MAN’S CROTCH.

                              RAPPER
                    The Adventures of Kim!  Jong!  Un!

          Over a TITLE CARD:

                              ROBOT MINISTER (V.O.)
                    Today's episode!  Wedlock Ceremony
                    Crisis Hour Go!

          INT. CHAPEL

          KIM JONG UN and his bride, RI JOL SU, stand at the altar.
          The ROBOT MINISTER presides.

                              ROBOT MINISTER  
                    Finally, the two most perfect human
                    beings will be joined in matrimony!

                              RI JOL SU
                    Oh, Kim Jong Un!  Nothing could
                    make me happier than marrying you
                    of my own free will!

                              ROBOT MINISTER
                    If there are any objections to
                    these two being wed, speak now and
                    -
                         (right into camera)
                    -face immediate execution.

          A L/3rd FLASHES: REPORT SLANDER AND DISSENT! IT IS YOUR
          DUTY!

                              MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
                    WE OBJECT!

          SLAM! The doors crash open, revealing...

                              ROBOT MINISTER (O.S.)
                    Bradley Pitt??  Goregous Clooney??
                    Ryan Gosling-Reynolds??

          (Ryan Gosling-Reynolds wears the scorpion jacket from Drive
          over a Green Lantern costume.)

                              BRADLEY
                    I don't care how handsome and
                    well-endowed you are, Kim Jong Un! 
                    Ri Jol Su will be our bride!

                              ROBOT MINISTER
                    But there are three of you and only
                    one of her!

                              RYAN GOSLING-REYNOLDS
                    Ha ha ha!  In denerate America she
                    can marry all three of us!

                              GORGEOUS CLOONEY
                         (holding it up)
                    AND this baby goat!  Which is also
                    gay!

                              RYAN GOSLING-REYNOLDS
                    ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!

          The Americas charge Kim Jong Un. Kim Jong Un sprouts LASER
          WOLVERINE CLAWS and parries each of their attacks in turn.

                              RYAN GOSLING-REYNOLDS
                    He fights with the beauty of a
                    cherry tree blossoming in winter!
                         (angry)
                    But not well enough!  LASER!

          He fires a GREEN LASER from his crotch. Kim Jong Un easily
          dodges it with a back handspring. However, it hits RI SOL
          JU!! EPIC FREEZE FRAME as the blast knocks her down and goes
          straight through the wall behind her.

          FOUR-WAY SPLITSCREEN as the American’s shout in horror and
          Kim Jong Un’s face doesn’t move:

                              RYAN GOSLING-REYNOLDS
                    NOOOOOOOOO!!!

          Suddenly, the GROUND SHAKES.

                              ROBOT MINISTER
                    You fools!  Your attack has
                    weakened the barrier wall!

          AERIAL SHOT of the chapel. It’s surrounded by a CIRCULAR
          WALL, keeping a MASSIVE (APPARENTLY ANGRY) CROWD AT BAY

                              ROBOT MINISTER
                    All the women who desire Kim Jong
                    Un for themselves are no longer
                    restrained!

          A horde of ANIME BABES and FURRIES appear at the hole in the
          wall.

                              ANIME BABES
                    If we can't have Kim Jong Un,
                    NOBODY CAN!

          The babes CHARGE Kim Jong Un. CLOSE on Kim Jong Un’s face as
          semi-transparent images illustrate the following:

                              DEEP-VOICED NARRATOR (V.O.)
                         (nope, we've never heard him
                         before)
                    Kim Jong Un suddenly remembered he
                    was the orphaned son of a dying
                    alien race and his mere presence on
                    this planet gave him the super
                    ability to fly at great speeds.

          Kim Jong Un scoops up Kim Sol Ju and BLAST OFF into the sky,
          leaving the Americans to be trampled by the Anime babes.

                              BRADLEY
                         (as he's trampled)
                    Our deaths are the inevitable
                    result of capitalist excess!!!

          EXT. SKY

          Kim Jong Un soars through the sky, holding the weakend Ri
          Sol Ju in his arms.

                              RI JOL SU
                    I'm... I'm dying Kim Jong Un. 
                    Please... So that we may be
                    together... Transfer my spirit into
                    a robot that looks exactly like
                    Anne Hathaway.

          Ri Sol Ju’s eyes close. Kim Jong Un bows his head.

          DISSOLVE TO:

          INT. SECRET UNDERGROUND LAB

          LIGHTNING as Kim Jong Un uses an ELABORATE MACHINE
          transfer’s Ri Sol Ju’s spirit into a ANNE HATHAWAY ROBOT.
          The robot opens her eyes.

                              RI JOL SU
                    My love!  I'm alive!  Let us go
                    play Starcraft, which I now agree
                    is a worthwhile, masculine pursuit!

          She hops into his arms and kisses him on the cheek. A TINY
          SMILE comes onto Kim Jong Un’s face...

          ...when a GIANT FIRE FIST crashes up through the floor,
          grabs them, and pulls them down into a FIERY PIT, where a
          giant DEVIL KIM JONG UN consumes them both. ROLL CREDITS.

          END.