EXT. EPIC FIELD - DUSK

MAXIMUS (RHYS DARBY) stands in front of an EPIC ROMAN ARMY
that seems to extend for miles. The scene has the epic feel,
music, pectoral muscles and obnoxious yellow tint.

MAXIMUS
We will be oppressed no longer! We
will storm the palace of these
Spartan dogs, rip their hearts from
their chests and taste their blood!
TONIGHT, WE FEAST ON EVIL!

Maximus thrusts his staff in the air. A ROAR bursts forth
from the soldiers as they RUN PAST MAXIMUS - in doing so,
knocking him this way and that, hitting him in the face, and
otherwise basically STAMPEDING HIM. "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow..."

CUT TO:

Maximus stands where he was before, soldiers again gathered
before him. He's badly BRUISED.

MAXIMUS
Okay, new plan. I appreciate
everyone's excitement, but that was
very dangerous for me. So this time
I'll run out of the way, then you
count to 20 - that's with
"Mississippis" - THEN you charge.
All right. TONIGHT WE FEAST ON
EVIL!

Maximus begins to run off, leading the soldiers in a count:

MAXIMUS
One Mississippi, Two Mississ-

CUT TO:

Maximus now stands at the BACK of the army, MORE BEAT-UP.

MAXIMUS
Turns out everyone said
"Mississippi" at different speeds,
so this time I'm just gonna start
in the back. Very simple: when I
scream, you charge. Tonight, we
feast on evil. AAHHHH!

CUT TO:

Maximus in the back again.

MAXIMUS
Those of you in the front were
understandably unable to hear me.
So I'm gonna give the order to
"charge," and when you hear it
behind you, pass that message to
the next row, all the way to the
front. Tonight we feast on evil in
a more organized fashion! CHARGE!

"CHARGE!" is yelled in a repetitive pattern O.S., first
close, then farther away, and we

CUT TO:

Maximus in the back again.

MAXIMUS
Okay, there was a "Telephone"
effect - I said "Charge," but when
it reached the front, people
thought I said "Crunchy
Lumberjack." So this time I've had
you all count off from 1-8. When
you hear the number of your group,
charge. In case you can't hear me,
I've also assigned a buddy system -
when you see your buddy run, you
start running. TONIGHT WE FEAST ON
EVIL, STARTING WITH GROUP THREE!

The army unleashes a BATTLE CRY ROAR.

CUT TO:

Maximus in the back again.

MAXIMUS
Should have started with Group One,
that threw some of you off. And it
turns out people had buddies in
different groups, so that caused
some very understandable confusion.
So we're going to try something
different - we'll storm the castle
in one long single file line.

REVEAL: A SINGLE-FILE LINE OF SOLDIERS stretches for miles.

MAXIMUS
Everyone grab each others'
shoulders. When you feel a pinch,
charge. We're like one big "war
caterpillar," haha. Really hungry
for that evil. Aaand-

Maximus pinches a soldier in front of him, who pinches
another soldier. A few awkward little pinches, then we

CUT TO:

Maximus in the back again. He's surrounded by DEAD and DYING
SOLDIERS, many with fiery arrows sticking out of them.

MAXIMUS
Took a bit too long there; many of
you were impaled by that volley of
flaming arrows. But I think we can
use this to help us organize.
Everyone remembers Ephaseus, good
guy. I'm going to throw his flaming
head in the air-
(he holds up a FLAMING
DECAPITATED HEAD)
-and that'll be a sort of "flare"
to let you know it's time to
charge. So! Uuuuupsy daisies-

Maximus tosses the flaming head in the air.

CUT TO:

Maximus in the back again. Most of the army has DESERTED.

MAXIMUS
It seems like the flaming head
scared almost all of you away from
the battle. Very understandable.

A flying ARROW lands in Maximus' chest. Moments later, a
ROPE encircles him and he falls to the ground, only to be
DRAGGED AWAY BY AN O.S. HORSE.

MAXIMUS
Okay I have been shot, and oof, now
I'm being tied to a horse and, yes
here we go, dragged away by the
horse.
(while being DRAGGED:)
Could really use some help here. To
start off I'll ask soldiers with
names beginning with A through J to
help, and - nobody's helping, okay.
Really starting to bleed out now.

END.