From CH Staff on
Pat and Emily create the perfect warrior whether they want to or not.
By Patrick Cassels
INT. VIDEO GAME COUCH PAT sits on the couch, playing a video game. EMILY walks over, interested. EMILY Hey, whatcha playing? PAT I'm starting Skyrim. EMILY Really?! How far are you? PAT I'm creating my character. She sits on the couch next to him, intrigued. EMILY Cool. PAT Yeah, It's supposed to be like, super advanced in this game. ON TV: The Skyrim character creator. Various fantasy races appear as Pat scrolls (Orc, Wood Elf, Argonian...). Baroque words and menus accompany the images throughout. Pat lands on the NORD, a buff viking. PAT Aw yeah: Nord. EMILY Nice. Very nice. (points to TV) Oh, look, Pat or Emily? TV: The Nord switches between a man and a woman. PAT Let's go with man? EMILY Typical. (immediately) I'm kidding! PAT Now we just need to pick his height. His weight. Annnd skin tone. TV: The Nord gets taller, buffer, tanner. EMILY Cool. Let's slay some dragon gods! PAT Those monsters shall taste our steel just as soon as we pick what color the dirt on his face is. EMILY Oh. TV: The Nord's face dirt changes from brown to light brown. PAT (squinting at TV) That's a good one. I guess. It's like a... like a burnt sienna? EMILY (also squinting) Yeah, I was gonna say. For sure in the sienna family -- are we done? PAT Nope, we have to pick his elbow pointiness. EMILY His what? TV: CLOSE on the Nord's elbow. It goes from dull to pointy. PAT How's that look? EMILY I don't think it matters. PAT Okay, let's move on to-- EMILY (cracking) Well hey don't make them too dull. I mean, all things being equal. Or whatever. Wait, why do I care. Can we just start playing? PAT Look, I'm getting through these as fast as I can. But how can we save Skyrim if we don't know what our nostril diameter is! TV: CLOSE on Nord's nostrils, getting bigger and smaller. EMILY Jesus. Uh, medium? PAT Good call. That way our nostrils will be strong and fast. And the color? EMILY Like the color inside-- PAT --inside the nostrils, exactly. EMILY I have no idea. You pick? PAT Wow, thanks. In that case I'll let you pick Adam's apple prominence and ankle depth. Pat hands the controller to her. EMILY What the hell is ankle depth? Pat attempts to explain with hand gestures. PAT It's like, how deep, you know, your ankle... curves. Very crucial. TV: CLOSE on Nord's ankle. As the slider moves the ankle changes in inconsistent ways: gets fatter, bumpier, etc. EMILY How's this? PAT Well- EMILY They're fine! What's next? PAT "Taste in Brunch." TV: The menu indeed reads "TASTE IN BRUNCH". EMILY Ugh! How could what our character prefers to eat between breakfast and lunch possibly effect his performance in a mythical quest against a Nordic dragon with the ability to consume the universe? PAT Maybe it's a really good brunch? EMILY Look: it doesn't say what the options are. It's just a slider. TV: She toggles the vague "Taste In Brunch" slider. Nothing changes. On the last toggle the Nord's left eyebrow raises. PAT Oh! Look at his eyebrow! That must be a really unique taste in brunch. Definitely pick that one. EMILY This is so annoying. All I want to do is kill giant spiders with a sword gifted to me by the mayor. Is that so much to ask? PAT (sympathetic) Of course not. Emily leans forward with a new determination. EMILY Buckle up, we're gonna plow through these things: toe stubbiness! PAT Extreme. EMILY Great. Beard bristles! PAT Coarse. EMILY Perfect. Tooth plaque. PAT Problematic. EMILY Wonderful. Tooth plaque color. PAT Burt sienna. PAT Taylor Swift or Miley Cyrus? EMILY Taylor Swift. EMILY Outstanding. Liklihood Of Saying the Phrase "Exsqueeze Me." PAT Likely. EMILY Done! Yes! Booyah! Here we go... (playing; in a wizardly voice) Our adventure... begins! Pat looks at Emily. That was a weird voice. EMILY What? PAT Nothing. TV: The Nord begins to walk. A VILLAGER approaches. VILLAGER Hey! This Nord has pointy elbows! Let's get 'em! A hoard of other villagers and MONSTERS kill the Nord. EMILY (beat) I deserved that. END. POST-HUH The Nord fights a giant spider. NORD Argh! Die! Ex-squeeeeze me!