Hardly Working: Skyrim

By

Patrick Cassels

          INT. VIDEO GAME COUCH

          PAT sits on the couch, playing a video game. EMILY walks
          over, interested.

                              EMILY
                    Hey, whatcha playing?

                              PAT
                    I'm starting Skyrim.

                              EMILY
                    Really?! How far are you?

                              PAT
                    I'm creating my character.

          She sits on the couch next to him, intrigued.

                              EMILY
                    Cool.

                              PAT
                    Yeah, It's supposed to be like,
                    super advanced in this game.

          ON TV: The Skyrim character creator. Various fantasy races
          appear as Pat scrolls (Orc, Wood Elf, Argonian...). Baroque
          words and menus accompany the images throughout.

          Pat lands on the NORD, a buff viking.

                              PAT
                    Aw yeah: Nord.

                              EMILY
                    Nice. Very nice.
                         (points to TV)
                    Oh, look, Pat or Emily?

          TV: The Nord switches between a man and a woman.

                              PAT
                    Let's go with man?

                              EMILY
                    Typical.
                         (immediately)
                    I'm kidding!

                              PAT
                    Now we just need to pick his
                    height. His weight. Annnd skin
                    tone.

          TV: The Nord gets taller, buffer, tanner.

                              EMILY
                    Cool. Let's slay some dragon gods!

                              PAT
                    Those monsters shall taste our
                    steel just as soon as we pick what
                    color the dirt on his face is.

                              EMILY
                    Oh.

          TV: The Nord's face dirt changes from brown to light brown.

                              PAT
                         (squinting at TV)
                    That's a good one. I guess. It's
                    like a... like a burnt sienna?

                              EMILY
                         (also squinting)
                    Yeah, I was gonna say. For sure in
                    the sienna family -- are we done?

                              PAT
                    Nope, we have to pick his elbow
                    pointiness.

                              EMILY
                    His what?

          TV: CLOSE on the Nord's elbow. It goes from dull to pointy.

                              PAT
                    How's that look?

                              EMILY
                    I don't think it matters.

                              PAT
                    Okay, let's move on to--

                              EMILY
                         (cracking)
                    Well hey don't make them too dull.
                    I mean, all things being equal. Or
                    whatever. Wait, why do I care. Can
                    we just start playing?

                              PAT
                    Look, I'm getting through these as
                    fast as I can. But how can we save
                    Skyrim if we don't know what our
                    nostril diameter is!

          TV: CLOSE on Nord's nostrils, getting bigger and smaller.

                              EMILY
                    Jesus. Uh, medium?

                              PAT
                    Good call. That way our nostrils
                    will be strong and fast. And the
                    color?

                              EMILY
                    Like the color inside--

                              PAT
                    --inside the nostrils, exactly.

                              EMILY
                    I have no idea. You pick?

                              PAT
                    Wow, thanks. In that case I'll let
                    you pick Adam's apple prominence
                    and ankle depth.

          Pat hands the controller to her.

                              EMILY
                    What the hell is ankle depth?

          Pat attempts to explain with hand gestures.

                              PAT
                    It's like, how deep, you know, your
                    ankle... curves. Very crucial.

          TV: CLOSE on Nord's ankle. As the slider moves the ankle
          changes in inconsistent ways: gets fatter, bumpier, etc.

                              EMILY
                    How's this?

                              PAT
                    Well-

                              EMILY
                    They're fine! What's next?

                              PAT
                    "Taste in Brunch."

          TV: The menu indeed reads "TASTE IN BRUNCH".

                              EMILY
                    Ugh! How could what our character
                    prefers to eat between breakfast
                    and lunch possibly effect his
                    performance in a mythical quest
                    against a Nordic dragon with the
                    ability to consume the universe?

                              PAT
                    Maybe it's a really good brunch?

                              EMILY
                    Look: it doesn't say what the
                    options are. It's just a slider.

          TV: She toggles the vague "Taste In Brunch" slider. Nothing
          changes. On the last toggle the Nord's left eyebrow raises.

                              PAT
                    Oh! Look at his eyebrow! That must
                    be a really unique taste in brunch.
                    Definitely pick that one.

                              EMILY
                    This is so annoying. All I want to
                    do is kill giant spiders with a
                    sword gifted to me by the mayor. Is
                    that so much to ask?

                              PAT
                         (sympathetic)
                    Of course not.

          Emily leans forward with a new determination.

                              EMILY
                    Buckle up, we're gonna plow through
                    these things: toe stubbiness!

                              PAT
                    Extreme.

                              EMILY
                    Great. Beard bristles!

                              PAT
                    Coarse.

                              EMILY
                    Perfect. Tooth plaque.

                              PAT
                    Problematic.

                              EMILY
                    Wonderful. Tooth plaque color.

                              PAT
                    Burt sienna.

                              PAT
                    Taylor Swift or Miley Cyrus?

                              EMILY
                    Taylor Swift.

                              EMILY
                    Outstanding. Liklihood Of Saying
                    the Phrase "Exsqueeze Me."

                              PAT
                    Likely.

                              EMILY
                    Done! Yes! Booyah! Here we go...
                         (playing; in a wizardly voice)
                    Our adventure... begins!

          Pat looks at Emily. That was a weird voice.

                              EMILY
                    What?

                               PAT
                    Nothing.

          TV: The Nord begins to walk. A VILLAGER approaches.

                              VILLAGER
                    Hey! This Nord has pointy elbows!
                    Let's get 'em!

          A hoard of other villagers and MONSTERS kill the Nord.

                              EMILY
                         (beat)
                    I deserved that.
          END.

          POST-HUH

          The Nord fights a giant spider.

                              NORD
                    Argh! Die! Ex-squeeeeze me!