Nicki Minaj's Butt Goes Solo

By

Dan Gurewitch

          INT. NEWS STUDIO

          A douchey-looking NEWS ANCHOR speaks to camera.

                              ANCHOR
                    We'll return to Top 80 Celebrity
                    Turtleneck Uh-Ohs in just a moment,
                    but right now we take you live to a
                    press conference where Nikki
                    Minaj’s butt is about to make a big
                    announcement.

                                                          CUT TO:

          INT. PRESS CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

          NIKI MINAJ'S BUTT - it's JUST A FREE-STANDING BULBOUS BUTT,
          WALKS AND TALKS WITH A SUBTLE LITTLE BOUNCE - steps to the
          podium. REPORTERS settle down.

          An ASSISTANT raises a GLASS to the butt- it clears its
          throat, sips, then speaks... with a POISED DEMEANOR.

                              BUTT
                    Good afternoon. As you know, Nikki
                    Minaj and I have become a pop
                    culture phenomenon, and I’m
                    grateful for the success we've
                    found together. But recently, I've
                    been receiving more and more screen
                    time in our videos. And I realized,
                    "Wait a second- I'm what people are
                    tuning in to see. I am Beyonce, the
                    rest of her body is Destiny's
                    Child." And so, I’ve decided to
                    leave the underside of Ms. Minaj's
                    lower torso to create on my own,
                    without the burdens and compromises
                    of our partnership. Any questions?

          HUBBUB. Butt NODS towards REPORTER 1.

                              REPORTER 1
                    Will you ever work with Nikki
                    again?

                              BUTT
                    I have great respect for the rest
                    of Nikki, and down the road I’d
                    consider another collaboration -
                    shaking on her behalf or even
                    possibly pooping her poops. But
                    right now, it's time for me to
                    spread my cheeks and fly.

                              REPORTER 2
                    What can you tell us about your
                    upcoming work?

                              BUTT
                    My new music video will be
                    premiering soon. I brought a clip.

          Butt plays a VIDEO on a SCREEN behind her.

          MUSIC VIDEO CLIP: Butt raps front-and-center in a COLORFUL
          VIDEO, backed by a large row of BACK-UP DANCER BUTTS.

                              BUTT
                    Don't want no "ifs" or "ands," but
                    I do want "butts!" Now shake
                    yourself! Shake yourself!

          All the butts SHAKE THEMSELVES AT THE SAME TIME.

          BACK TO PRESS CONFERENCE:

                              BUTT
                    That's a marketable single, but
                    honestly, I'm looking to expand my
                    horizons artistically. One of the
                    new album's deep cuts is a
                    collaboration with Bjork, exploring
                    the more experimental soundscape of
                    classical electro-folk.

          ANOTHER MUSIC VIDEO CLIP:

          BJORK, with NIKKI'S BUTT, floats against a green screen of
          RANDOM IMAGERY - clashing colors, gnashing teeth, flashing
          lights, a dark red cloud. Bjork's butt (NIKKI'S BUTT) shakes
          as it sings in HIGH STACCATO BJORK-LIKE TONES:

                              BUTT
                    Oh, oh-ee-oh, oh OH! Oh,
                    ooohhh-oh-oh!

          BACK TO PRESS CONFERENCE:

                              BUTT
                    The song is purposefully
                    post-modern in its rejection of
                    objective meaning. The writings of
                    the philosopher Jacques Derrida
                    have been influencing both my music
                    and the novel I'm working on.

                              REPORTER 3
                    A novel! So you’re branching out
                    past the music industry?

                              BUTT
                    Exactly, I don’t want to be
                    pigeonholed. I’m interested in
                    literature, fashion, sculpture,
                    film - I want to be an ass of many
                    talents, a Renaissance Ass. Like
                    James Franco.

          The reporters COLLECTIVELY GROAN.

                              BUTT
                    I’ve begun to dabble in slam
                    poetry.

          ON SLIDE (VIDEO): Butt stands in a coffee shop, giving an
          impassioned reading of its own poetry:

                              BUTT
                    Tin can tantrums / A frothing sea
                    of tiger tears / Factory-made
                    fictions / Bleed from broken lies!

          BACK TO PRESS CONFERENCE:

                              BUTT
                    And I’m excited to tell you about
                    my new fashion line, Butt Coats by
                    Butt.

          ON SLIDE (IMAGE): A ROW OF FREE-STANDING BUTTS wearing TINY,
          HIGH-FASHION FUR COATS.

                              BUTT
                    Butt Coats by Butt embody the
                    belief that butts should be free to
                    express themselves, not imprisoned
                    in slacks.

          Reporters enthusiastically TAKE PHOTOS.

                              BUTT
                    I do want to stress that I am not
                    just focused on myself. Since going
                    solo, I’ve teamed up with other
                    butts - Kim Kardashian’s butt,
                    Beyonce’s butt, J. Lo’s Butt,
                    Rihanna’s butt, and Channing
                    Tatum’s butt - to form Butts For
                    Burma, an organization dedicated to
                    improving the civil liberties of
                    the oppressed Burmese people.

          ON SLIDE (IMAGE): ALL THOSE FREE-STANDING BUTTS stand with
          IMPOVERISHED BURMESE PEOPLE.

          BACK TO PRESS CONFERENCE:

                              BUTT
                    And finally, I'd just like to
                    silence the rumor mill and say yes,
                    I am in a relationship, with
                    someone I absolutely love: Mariah
                    Carey’s camel toe.

          WHIP TO:

          MARIAH CAREY'S CAMEL TOE, a free-standing CAMEL TOE LUMP,
          sitting in the back corner of the room. It calls out in an
          EMOTIONAL VOICE:

                              CAMEL TOE
                    YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING!

          END.