From CH Staff on
The pop singer's derriere strikes out on its own independent carriere.
By Dan Gurewitch
INT. NEWS STUDIO A douchey-looking NEWS ANCHOR speaks to camera. ANCHOR We'll return to Top 80 Celebrity Turtleneck Uh-Ohs in just a moment, but right now we take you live to a press conference where Nikki Minaj’s butt is about to make a big announcement. CUT TO: INT. PRESS CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY NIKI MINAJ'S BUTT - it's JUST A FREE-STANDING BULBOUS BUTT, WALKS AND TALKS WITH A SUBTLE LITTLE BOUNCE - steps to the podium. REPORTERS settle down. An ASSISTANT raises a GLASS to the butt- it clears its throat, sips, then speaks... with a POISED DEMEANOR. BUTT Good afternoon. As you know, Nikki Minaj and I have become a pop culture phenomenon, and I’m grateful for the success we've found together. But recently, I've been receiving more and more screen time in our videos. And I realized, "Wait a second- I'm what people are tuning in to see. I am Beyonce, the rest of her body is Destiny's Child." And so, I’ve decided to leave the underside of Ms. Minaj's lower torso to create on my own, without the burdens and compromises of our partnership. Any questions? HUBBUB. Butt NODS towards REPORTER 1. REPORTER 1 Will you ever work with Nikki again? BUTT I have great respect for the rest of Nikki, and down the road I’d consider another collaboration - shaking on her behalf or even possibly pooping her poops. But right now, it's time for me to spread my cheeks and fly. REPORTER 2 What can you tell us about your upcoming work? BUTT My new music video will be premiering soon. I brought a clip. Butt plays a VIDEO on a SCREEN behind her. MUSIC VIDEO CLIP: Butt raps front-and-center in a COLORFUL VIDEO, backed by a large row of BACK-UP DANCER BUTTS. BUTT Don't want no "ifs" or "ands," but I do want "butts!" Now shake yourself! Shake yourself! All the butts SHAKE THEMSELVES AT THE SAME TIME. BACK TO PRESS CONFERENCE: BUTT That's a marketable single, but honestly, I'm looking to expand my horizons artistically. One of the new album's deep cuts is a collaboration with Bjork, exploring the more experimental soundscape of classical electro-folk. ANOTHER MUSIC VIDEO CLIP: BJORK, with NIKKI'S BUTT, floats against a green screen of RANDOM IMAGERY - clashing colors, gnashing teeth, flashing lights, a dark red cloud. Bjork's butt (NIKKI'S BUTT) shakes as it sings in HIGH STACCATO BJORK-LIKE TONES: BUTT Oh, oh-ee-oh, oh OH! Oh, ooohhh-oh-oh! BACK TO PRESS CONFERENCE: BUTT The song is purposefully post-modern in its rejection of objective meaning. The writings of the philosopher Jacques Derrida have been influencing both my music and the novel I'm working on. REPORTER 3 A novel! So you’re branching out past the music industry? BUTT Exactly, I don’t want to be pigeonholed. I’m interested in literature, fashion, sculpture, film - I want to be an ass of many talents, a Renaissance Ass. Like James Franco. The reporters COLLECTIVELY GROAN. BUTT I’ve begun to dabble in slam poetry. ON SLIDE (VIDEO): Butt stands in a coffee shop, giving an impassioned reading of its own poetry: BUTT Tin can tantrums / A frothing sea of tiger tears / Factory-made fictions / Bleed from broken lies! BACK TO PRESS CONFERENCE: BUTT And I’m excited to tell you about my new fashion line, Butt Coats by Butt. ON SLIDE (IMAGE): A ROW OF FREE-STANDING BUTTS wearing TINY, HIGH-FASHION FUR COATS. BUTT Butt Coats by Butt embody the belief that butts should be free to express themselves, not imprisoned in slacks. Reporters enthusiastically TAKE PHOTOS. BUTT I do want to stress that I am not just focused on myself. Since going solo, I’ve teamed up with other butts - Kim Kardashian’s butt, Beyonce’s butt, J. Lo’s Butt, Rihanna’s butt, and Channing Tatum’s butt - to form Butts For Burma, an organization dedicated to improving the civil liberties of the oppressed Burmese people. ON SLIDE (IMAGE): ALL THOSE FREE-STANDING BUTTS stand with IMPOVERISHED BURMESE PEOPLE. BACK TO PRESS CONFERENCE: BUTT And finally, I'd just like to silence the rumor mill and say yes, I am in a relationship, with someone I absolutely love: Mariah Carey’s camel toe. WHIP TO: MARIAH CAREY'S CAMEL TOE, a free-standing CAMEL TOE LUMP, sitting in the back corner of the room. It calls out in an EMOTIONAL VOICE: CAMEL TOE YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING! END.