Pat learns the best defense is way-too-much offense.
By Owen Parsons
INT. CH KITCHEN AND/OR FLUFFERNUTTER PALACE
ALEX WATT makes a sandwich. OWEN enters & speaks to SAM.
Hey Sam? Do you know any karate?
Widen to reveal Sam is wearing a red gi & a giant belt that
says "NUMBER ONE KARATE."
It's just- I've just been having
bully trouble at work, and I was
wondering if you could teach me any
Owen, the best defense is always
just to walk away.
Second best defense is the Heart
Exploding Death Touch Technique, a
skill as forbidden as it is evil.
Oh yeah, I want that one.
Never. It is evil and forbidden
aaaaand I can't say no to those
puppy dog eyes!
Close on Owen. He is NOT making puppy dog eyes.
Here, I'll walk you through it.
Step one: Grab me by the collar.
Perfect. Step two: insult my dojo.
Uh... pffff... "The Red Lotus is a
clan of cowards and dog-men."
IMPUDENCE! Next, challenge my
master to single combat.
Owen looks over to a Pai Mei-style master working at a desk.
Hey, Eyebrows! F**k you!
(angrily getting up)
F**k me? F**k you, I'll show you...
Then you're gonna slay my master.
Owen draws a dagger out of the dead old man's body.
Then I'd challenge you; we'd have a
harrowing battle at the end of
which I spare your miserable life.
But as I turn to go, you leap up
and try to stab me in the back.
And then it's simple, you just...
KARATE MOVIE MUSIC STING. Sam spins around and unleashes a
very complex series of precision strikes, burying his fist
in Owen's solar plexus. Owen grunts in pain.
So it ends. Forgive me, Master Fu.
Sting cuts out abruptly.
I... don't think that worked.
Really? I could've sworn... maybe
grab my collar harder. You really
gotta hoist it. One more time.
Owen grabs Sam's collar.
Cowards and Dog-men, confront your
master, yadda yadda yadda...
Then we just...
KARATE MOVIE MUSIC STING. Sam unleashes same strikes as
before. Owen coughs up blood for a beat. Sting cuts out.
Ugh, I bit my tongue.
I don't get it. This should work.
Are you hoisting my collar?
I think so?
Maybe I'm just not in the mood.
Hmm. Give me... three minutes.
INT. CH KITCHEN - LATER
Mood is now 100% kung-fu move. Karate music plays freely.
Scrolls & ninja stuff adorn the walls. Sam has a ragged
headband, Owen wears a black gi & villainous headband. Both
are badly dubbed. Alex Watt is still making his sandwich.
Your master is dead! Your dojo is
but ashes and bone!
(cradling dead old man)
So, uh, whenever you're ready.
Teary eyed and screaming, Sam unleashes the death touch once
more. It is epic, but at the end, Owen shakes his head,
still alive. Sam sighs, frustrated. Karate music cuts.
Oh, wait! Your stance is off.
Sam nudges his foot a tiny bit clockwise.
Sam punches Owen, who EXPLODES. Reverse angle: Sam is DOUSED
in blood. So is Watt's sandwich. Watt, who had turned away,
turns back and puts the final piece of bread on top, picks
up his sandwich, and walks off, eating it.