Pat learns the best defense is way-too-much offense.
By Owen Parsons
INT. CH KITCHEN AND/OR FLUFFERNUTTER PALACE ALEX WATT makes a sandwich. OWEN enters & speaks to SAM. OWEN Hey Sam? Do you know any karate? Widen to reveal Sam is wearing a red gi & a giant belt that says "NUMBER ONE KARATE." SAM A bit. OWEN It's just- I've just been having bully trouble at work, and I was wondering if you could teach me any self-defense tricks. SAM Owen, the best defense is always just to walk away. OWEN Ah. SAM Second best defense is the Heart Exploding Death Touch Technique, a skill as forbidden as it is evil. OWEN Oh yeah, I want that one. SAM Never. It is evil and forbidden aaaaand I can't say no to those puppy dog eyes! Close on Owen. He is NOT making puppy dog eyes. SAM Here, I'll walk you through it. Step one: Grab me by the collar. OWEN (doing so) Like this? SAM Perfect. Step two: insult my dojo. OWEN Uh... pffff... "The Red Lotus is a clan of cowards and dog-men." SAM IMPUDENCE! Next, challenge my master to single combat. Owen looks over to a Pai Mei-style master working at a desk. OWEN Hey, Eyebrows! F**k you! OLD MASTER (angrily getting up) F**k me? F**k you, I'll show you... SAM Then you're gonna slay my master. Owen draws a dagger out of the dead old man's body. OWEN Okay, next? SAM Then I'd challenge you; we'd have a harrowing battle at the end of which I spare your miserable life. OWEN Right. SAM But as I turn to go, you leap up and try to stab me in the back. OWEN Got it. SAM And then it's simple, you just... KARATE MOVIE MUSIC STING. Sam spins around and unleashes a very complex series of precision strikes, burying his fist in Owen's solar plexus. Owen grunts in pain. SAM So it ends. Forgive me, Master Fu. Sting cuts out abruptly. OWEN I... don't think that worked. SAM Really? I could've sworn... maybe grab my collar harder. You really gotta hoist it. One more time. Owen grabs Sam's collar. OWEN Cowards and Dog-men, confront your master, yadda yadda yadda... SAM Then we just... KARATE MOVIE MUSIC STING. Sam unleashes same strikes as before. Owen coughs up blood for a beat. Sting cuts out. OWEN Ugh, I bit my tongue. SAM I don't get it. This should work. Are you hoisting my collar? OWEN I think so? SAM Maybe I'm just not in the mood. Hmm. Give me... three minutes. INT. CH KITCHEN - LATER Mood is now 100% kung-fu move. Karate music plays freely. Scrolls & ninja stuff adorn the walls. Sam has a ragged headband, Owen wears a black gi & villainous headband. Both are badly dubbed. Alex Watt is still making his sandwich. OWEN Your master is dead! Your dojo is but ashes and bone! SAM (cradling dead old man) Master FUUUUUUUUUUU! OWEN So, uh, whenever you're ready. Teary eyed and screaming, Sam unleashes the death touch once more. It is epic, but at the end, Owen shakes his head, still alive. Sam sighs, frustrated. Karate music cuts. SAM Oh, wait! Your stance is off. Sam nudges his foot a tiny bit clockwise. OWEN Hey, thanks- Sam punches Owen, who EXPLODES. Reverse angle: Sam is DOUSED in blood. So is Watt's sandwich. Watt, who had turned away, turns back and puts the final piece of bread on top, picks up his sandwich, and walks off, eating it. END.