Hardly Working: Five Fingers of Death

By

Owen Parsons

          INT. CH KITCHEN AND/OR FLUFFERNUTTER PALACE

          ALEX WATT makes a sandwich. OWEN enters & speaks to SAM.

                              OWEN
                    Hey Sam? Do you know any karate?

          Widen to reveal Sam is wearing a red gi & a giant belt that
          says "NUMBER ONE KARATE."

                              SAM
                    A bit.

                              OWEN
                    It's just- I've just been having
                    bully trouble at work, and I was
                    wondering if you could teach me any
                    self-defense tricks.

                              SAM
                    Owen, the best defense is always
                    just to walk away.

                              OWEN
                    Ah.

                              SAM
                    Second best defense is the Heart
                    Exploding Death Touch Technique, a
                    skill as forbidden as it is evil.

                              OWEN
                    Oh yeah, I want that one.

                              SAM
                    Never. It is evil and forbidden
                    aaaaand I can't say no to those
                    puppy dog eyes!

          Close on Owen. He is NOT making puppy dog eyes.

                              SAM
                    Here, I'll walk you through it.
                    Step one: Grab me by the collar.

                              OWEN
                         (doing so)
                    Like this?

                              SAM
                    Perfect. Step two: insult my dojo.

                              OWEN
                    Uh... pffff... "The Red Lotus is a
                    clan of cowards and dog-men."

                              SAM
                    IMPUDENCE! Next, challenge my
                    master to single combat.

          Owen looks over to a Pai Mei-style master working at a desk.

                              OWEN
                    Hey, Eyebrows! F**k you!

                              OLD MASTER
                         (angrily getting up)
                    F**k me? F**k you, I'll show you...

                              SAM
                    Then you're gonna slay my master.

          Owen draws a dagger out of the dead old man's body.

                              OWEN
                    Okay, next?

                              SAM
                    Then I'd challenge you; we'd have a
                    harrowing battle at the end of
                    which I spare your miserable life.

                              OWEN
                    Right.

                              SAM
                    But as I turn to go, you leap up
                    and try to stab me in the back.

                              OWEN
                    Got it.

                              SAM
                    And then it's simple, you just...

          KARATE MOVIE MUSIC STING. Sam spins around and unleashes a
          very complex series of precision strikes, burying his fist
          in Owen's solar plexus. Owen grunts in pain.

                              SAM
                    So it ends. Forgive me, Master Fu.

          Sting cuts out abruptly.

                              OWEN
                    I... don't think that worked.

                              SAM
                    Really? I could've sworn... maybe
                    grab my collar harder. You really
                    gotta hoist it. One more time.

          Owen grabs Sam's collar.

                              OWEN
                    Cowards and Dog-men, confront your
                    master, yadda yadda yadda...

                              SAM
                    Then we just...

          KARATE MOVIE MUSIC STING. Sam unleashes same strikes as
          before. Owen coughs up blood for a beat. Sting cuts out.

                              OWEN
                    Ugh, I bit my tongue.

                              SAM
                    I don't get it. This should work.
                    Are you hoisting my collar?

                              OWEN
                    I think so?

                              SAM
                    Maybe I'm just not in the mood.
                    Hmm. Give me... three minutes.

          INT. CH KITCHEN - LATER

          Mood is now 100% kung-fu move. Karate music plays freely.
          Scrolls & ninja stuff adorn the walls. Sam has a ragged
          headband, Owen wears a black gi & villainous headband. Both
          are badly dubbed. Alex Watt is still making his sandwich.

                              OWEN
                    Your master is dead! Your dojo is
                    but ashes and bone!

                              SAM
                         (cradling dead old man)
                    Master FUUUUUUUUUUU!

                              OWEN
                    So, uh, whenever you're ready.

          Teary eyed and screaming, Sam unleashes the death touch once
          more. It is epic, but at the end, Owen shakes his head,
          still alive. Sam sighs, frustrated. Karate music cuts.

                              SAM
                    Oh, wait! Your stance is off.         

          Sam nudges his foot a tiny bit clockwise.

                              OWEN
                    Hey, thanks-                             

          Sam punches Owen, who EXPLODES. Reverse angle: Sam is DOUSED
          in blood. So is Watt's sandwich. Watt, who had turned away,
          turns back and puts the final piece of bread on top, picks
          up his sandwich, and walks off, eating it.

          END.