Apple unveils its newest innovation: not innovating.
By Adam Conover & Jenny Jaffe
APPLAUSE from the unseen audience as TIM COOK enters. The
screen at the back of the stage has the Apple logo projected
For two decades now, Apple has been
synonymous with innovation.
The audience applauds as pictures of each of the products he
mentions come up on the screen.
The iMac, the MacBook Air, the
iPod. the iPhone, and of course,
the iPad. We revolutionized the
music industry with the iTunes
store, and the software industry
with the App Store. We. Invented.
The audience goes absolutely crazy.
And now, Apple is going to release
something even more extraordinary
The audience goes silent with anticipation. Tim Cook clicks
The word "Nothing." comes up on the screen. The audience
murmurs with excitement and applauds, as though this is a
What could be more simple? More
beautiful? Than nothing. We worked
day and night to come up with a new
product. And that's when they
realized - they didn't have to.
The word "Coasting" reappears on screen.
This ingenious new development will
allow us to not bring you more of
the new devices you've come to
expect from Apple, and will allow
you to not hotly anticipate our
latest product. No other company
has ever dared to be this
forward-thinking before. We've
invented the way we do just about
everything. And now, we've finally
Click. The words "Doing Nothing" appear on screen.
Coasting's operating system comes
fully equipped with 365 days of
sleeping in for our employees,
nearly 50% fewer Apple TV and print
ads, and it even introduces the
never-before-released capability to
let our customers continue to use
their old Apple products without
feeling like a loser.
A picture of a first generation iPad appears, and the
Coasting is the kind of unique
development that could only come
from Apple. Remember how we
A bunch of App Icons appear onscreen and the audience
It was really hard. But for the
first time in its history--
Apple style icons of a bed, a family, and a guy playing golf
appear on the screen, and then merge into one icon of a guy
lying in a hammock as Tim Cook continues talking.
Apple has found a way to bring
together three functions we'd
previously thought completely
incompatible with our technologies:
sleep, family time, and golf.
Sleep. Family time. Golf.
Coasting. But what does Coasting
mean for Apple's future? It means
that for the first time in our
two-plus decade history, we will
An Apple-style icon of a laurel wreath appears.
Resting on our laurels. And when
we're done with Coasting--
An Apple-style graphic of people waiting in line outside of
an Apple store.
Apple offers a 100% guarantee that
you will come back for more.
He clicks a slide, and it turns to the word "Cost".
The best part? Coasting is totally
free, for everyone involved. Last
year, Apple's net revenue was over
twenty-eight billion dollars. So
we're good. We don't need any more
of your money right now.
The audience applauds.
There you have it. This year,
Apple will be--
"Coasting" appears onscreen.
Text appears underneath "Coasting" that reads "Because we've
He clicks a slide. A picture of a flying car comes up.
And next year we'll be introducing
a flying car.