Apple Coasting Keynote (with Christopher McDonald)

By

Adam Conover & Jenny Jaffe

          INT. AUDITORIUM

          APPLAUSE from the unseen audience as TIM COOK enters.  The
          screen at the back of the stage has the Apple logo projected
          on it. 

                              TIM COOK
                    For two decades now, Apple has been
                    synonymous with innovation.

          The audience applauds as pictures of each of the products he
          mentions come up on the screen.

                              TIM COOK
                    The iMac, the MacBook Air, the
                    iPod.  the iPhone, and of course,
                    the iPad.  We revolutionized the
                    music industry with the iTunes
                    store, and the software industry
                    with the App Store. We. Invented.
                    Apps.

          The audience goes absolutely crazy. 

                              TIM COOK
                    And now, Apple is going to release
                    something even more extraordinary
                    ...

          The audience goes silent with anticipation.  Tim Cook clicks
          a slide. 

                              TIM COOK
                    Nothing.

          The word "Nothing." comes up on the screen.  The audience
          murmurs with excitement and applauds, as though this is a
          huge innovation.

                              TIM COOK
                    What could be more simple? More
                    beautiful? Than nothing. We worked
                    day and night to come up with a new
                    product.  And that's when they
                    realized - they didn't have to.

          The word "Coasting" reappears on screen.

                              TIM COOK
                    This ingenious new development will
                    allow us to not bring you more of
                    the new devices you've come to
                    expect from Apple, and will allow
                    you to not hotly anticipate our
                    latest product.  No other company
                    has ever dared to be this
                    forward-thinking before. We've
                    invented the way we do just about
                    everything.  And now, we've finally
                    invented--

          Click.  The words "Doing Nothing" appear on screen.

                              TIM COOK
                    Coasting's operating system comes
                    fully equipped with 365 days of
                    sleeping in for our employees,
                    nearly 50% fewer Apple TV and print
                    ads, and it even introduces the
                    never-before-released capability to
                    let our customers continue to use
                    their old Apple products without
                    feeling like a loser.

          A picture of a first generation iPad appears, and the
          audience applauds.

                              TIM COOK
                    Coasting is the kind of unique
                    development that could only come
                    from Apple.  Remember how we
                    invented apps?

          A bunch of App Icons appear onscreen and the audience
          applauds.

                              TIM COOK
                    It was really hard.  But for the
                    first time in its history--

          Apple style icons of a bed, a family, and a guy playing golf
          appear on the screen, and then merge into one icon of a guy
          lying in a hammock as Tim Cook continues talking.

                              TIM COOK
                    Apple has found a way to bring
                    together three functions we'd
                    previously thought completely
                    incompatible with our technologies:
                    sleep, family time, and golf. 
                    Sleep.  Family time.  Golf. 
                    Coasting.  But what does Coasting
                    mean for Apple's future?  It means
                    that for the first time in our
                    two-plus decade history, we will
                    be--
                    
         An Apple-style icon of a laurel wreath appears.

                              TIM COOK
                    Resting on our laurels.  And when
                    we're done with Coasting--

          An Apple-style graphic of people waiting in line outside of
          an Apple store.

                              TIM COOK
                    Apple offers a 100% guarantee that
                    you will come back for more.

          He clicks a slide, and it turns to the word "Cost".

                              TIM COOK
                    The best part? Coasting is totally
                    free, for everyone involved.  Last
                    year, Apple's net revenue was over
                    twenty-eight billion dollars.  So
                    we're good.  We don't need any more
                    of your money right now. 

          The audience applauds.

                              TIM COOK
                    There you have it.  This year,
                    Apple will be--

          "Coasting" appears onscreen.

                              TIM COOK
                    Coasting.

          Text appears underneath "Coasting" that reads "Because we've
          earned it."

          He clicks a slide.  A picture of a flying car comes up.

                              TIM COOK
                    And next year we'll be introducing
                    a flying car.

          END.