From CH Staff on
Apple unveils its newest innovation: not innovating.
By Adam Conover & Jenny Jaffe
INT. AUDITORIUM APPLAUSE from the unseen audience as TIM COOK enters. The screen at the back of the stage has the Apple logo projected on it. TIM COOK For two decades now, Apple has been synonymous with innovation. The audience applauds as pictures of each of the products he mentions come up on the screen. TIM COOK The iMac, the MacBook Air, the iPod. the iPhone, and of course, the iPad. We revolutionized the music industry with the iTunes store, and the software industry with the App Store. We. Invented. Apps. The audience goes absolutely crazy. TIM COOK And now, Apple is going to release something even more extraordinary ... The audience goes silent with anticipation. Tim Cook clicks a slide. TIM COOK Nothing. The word "Nothing." comes up on the screen. The audience murmurs with excitement and applauds, as though this is a huge innovation. TIM COOK What could be more simple? More beautiful? Than nothing. We worked day and night to come up with a new product. And that's when they realized - they didn't have to. The word "Coasting" reappears on screen. TIM COOK This ingenious new development will allow us to not bring you more of the new devices you've come to expect from Apple, and will allow you to not hotly anticipate our latest product. No other company has ever dared to be this forward-thinking before. We've invented the way we do just about everything. And now, we've finally invented-- Click. The words "Doing Nothing" appear on screen. TIM COOK Coasting's operating system comes fully equipped with 365 days of sleeping in for our employees, nearly 50% fewer Apple TV and print ads, and it even introduces the never-before-released capability to let our customers continue to use their old Apple products without feeling like a loser. A picture of a first generation iPad appears, and the audience applauds. TIM COOK Coasting is the kind of unique development that could only come from Apple. Remember how we invented apps? A bunch of App Icons appear onscreen and the audience applauds. TIM COOK It was really hard. But for the first time in its history-- Apple style icons of a bed, a family, and a guy playing golf appear on the screen, and then merge into one icon of a guy lying in a hammock as Tim Cook continues talking. TIM COOK Apple has found a way to bring together three functions we'd previously thought completely incompatible with our technologies: sleep, family time, and golf. Sleep. Family time. Golf. Coasting. But what does Coasting mean for Apple's future? It means that for the first time in our two-plus decade history, we will be-- An Apple-style icon of a laurel wreath appears. TIM COOK Resting on our laurels. And when we're done with Coasting-- An Apple-style graphic of people waiting in line outside of an Apple store. TIM COOK Apple offers a 100% guarantee that you will come back for more. He clicks a slide, and it turns to the word "Cost". TIM COOK The best part? Coasting is totally free, for everyone involved. Last year, Apple's net revenue was over twenty-eight billion dollars. So we're good. We don't need any more of your money right now. The audience applauds. TIM COOK There you have it. This year, Apple will be-- "Coasting" appears onscreen. TIM COOK Coasting. Text appears underneath "Coasting" that reads "Because we've earned it." He clicks a slide. A picture of a flying car comes up. TIM COOK And next year we'll be introducing a flying car. END.