Hardly Working: Bathroom Numbers

By

Susanna Wolff

          INT. BATHROOM - DAY

          MURPH, shot from the waist up, stands at a urinal whistling.
          PAT enters and stands at the other urinal.

                              MURPH
                    #81?

                              PAT
                    What?

                              MURPH
                    Me too. Just taking a nice long
                    #81.

                              PAT
                    You mean a #1. There's just #1 and
                    #2.

                              MURPH
                    That's so wrong. I'm here taking an
                    #81 right next to you. Owen is in
                    the handicapped stall taking a #3.

          Murph mimes jerking off. Pat looks disgusted.

                              OWEN (O.S.)
                         (Voice breaking)
                    What? No I'm not!

                              PAT
                    No one does that at work.

          Owen, pleased with himself, comes out of his stall,
          whistling, pats Pat on the back and leaves.

          DAN enters. Sees everyone. Then goes to the sink to
          fastidiously wash his hands.

                              MURPH
                    Dan is taking a #4.

                              PAT
                    Whats-?

                              MURPH
                    When you go to take a shit but the
                    bathroom is full and you get
                    nervous, so you pretend you just
                    wanted to wash your hands.

                              DAN
                    Haha. Nope. Just really need to
                    clean these hands. I ate a big,
                    sloppy pile of Indian food and now
                    I need to wash these hands. I'm
                    going to go to the bathroom in the
                    lobby to wash them again.

          Dan exits.

                              PAT
                    This is crazy. Why did anyone
                    bother to number that stuff? And
                    how do you keep track?

                              MURPH
                    Oh, easy. There's a book.

          Murph hands Pat an old, leather-bound book. Pat opens to a
          random page and begins to read.

                              PAT
                    #43, when you go to take a shit,
                    but just have a really long fart
                    instead. #44, when you're taking a
                    shit, then someone else comes in
                    the bathroom, so you stop and wait
                    for the person to leave before
                    resuming.

                              MURPH
                    Kevin is doing that right now.

          KEVIN'S feet are visible under a stall door.

                              KEVIN
                    Please hurry up.

                              PAT
                    #45, when you go to take a #1, then
                    realize after you've already
                    started at the urinal that you need
                    to take a #2.

                              MURPH
                    That's the worst.

                              PAT
                    #46, checking your email on your
                    phone while taking a shit and then
                    realizing after a shit length of
                    time that you actually forgot to
                    shit because you were distracted by
                    your phone. #47, accidentally
                    making eye contact with someone
                    through the gap in the stall door.
                    #48, intentionally making eye
                    contact with someone though the gap
                    in the stall door. #49, getting
                    completely naked to take a shit,
                    then noticing that there's no
                    toilet paper in your stall and
                    trying to run to another stall
                    without getting dressed but getting
                    caught by someone else and then not
                    really having to shit anyway.

                              MURPH
                    Of course.

                              PAT
                    What? There's no "of course" about
                    any of this. These are all weird
                    bathroom behaviors. There can't
                    possibly be enough people doing
                    this stuff to warrant numbering
                    them and then publishing a book and
                    binding it in what feels like
                    really nice leather.

          Pat, while gesticulating wildly flips to a later page. It
          catches his eye and he stops.

                              PAT
                    Oh. Look at that. We are taking
                    #81s.

          Pull out to reveal that Pat and Murph are both standing at
          the urinals, completely naked below their shirts, peeing on
          the floor.

          END.