By Susanna Wolff
INT. BATHROOM - DAY MURPH, shot from the waist up, stands at a urinal whistling. PAT enters and stands at the other urinal. MURPH #81? PAT What? MURPH Me too. Just taking a nice long #81. PAT You mean a #1. There's just #1 and #2. MURPH That's so wrong. I'm here taking an #81 right next to you. Owen is in the handicapped stall taking a #3. Murph mimes jerking off. Pat looks disgusted. OWEN (O.S.) (Voice breaking) What? No I'm not! PAT No one does that at work. Owen, pleased with himself, comes out of his stall, whistling, pats Pat on the back and leaves. DAN enters. Sees everyone. Then goes to the sink to fastidiously wash his hands. MURPH Dan is taking a #4. PAT Whats-? MURPH When you go to take a shit but the bathroom is full and you get nervous, so you pretend you just wanted to wash your hands. DAN Haha. Nope. Just really need to clean these hands. I ate a big, sloppy pile of Indian food and now I need to wash these hands. I'm going to go to the bathroom in the lobby to wash them again. Dan exits. PAT This is crazy. Why did anyone bother to number that stuff? And how do you keep track? MURPH Oh, easy. There's a book. Murph hands Pat an old, leather-bound book. Pat opens to a random page and begins to read. PAT #43, when you go to take a shit, but just have a really long fart instead. #44, when you're taking a shit, then someone else comes in the bathroom, so you stop and wait for the person to leave before resuming. MURPH Kevin is doing that right now. KEVIN'S feet are visible under a stall door. KEVIN Please hurry up. PAT #45, when you go to take a #1, then realize after you've already started at the urinal that you need to take a #2. MURPH That's the worst. PAT #46, checking your email on your phone while taking a shit and then realizing after a shit length of time that you actually forgot to shit because you were distracted by your phone. #47, accidentally making eye contact with someone through the gap in the stall door. #48, intentionally making eye contact with someone though the gap in the stall door. #49, getting completely naked to take a shit, then noticing that there's no toilet paper in your stall and trying to run to another stall without getting dressed but getting caught by someone else and then not really having to shit anyway. MURPH Of course. PAT What? There's no "of course" about any of this. These are all weird bathroom behaviors. There can't possibly be enough people doing this stuff to warrant numbering them and then publishing a book and binding it in what feels like really nice leather. Pat, while gesticulating wildly flips to a later page. It catches his eye and he stops. PAT Oh. Look at that. We are taking #81s. Pull out to reveal that Pat and Murph are both standing at the urinals, completely naked below their shirts, peeing on the floor. END.