Murph does his business by the book.
By Susanna Wolff
INT. BATHROOM - DAY
MURPH, shot from the waist up, stands at a urinal whistling.
PAT enters and stands at the other urinal.
Me too. Just taking a nice long
You mean a #1. There's just #1 and
That's so wrong. I'm here taking an
#81 right next to you. Owen is in
the handicapped stall taking a #3.
Murph mimes jerking off. Pat looks disgusted.
What? No I'm not!
No one does that at work.
Owen, pleased with himself, comes out of his stall,
whistling, pats Pat on the back and leaves.
DAN enters. Sees everyone. Then goes to the sink to
fastidiously wash his hands.
Dan is taking a #4.
When you go to take a shit but the
bathroom is full and you get
nervous, so you pretend you just
wanted to wash your hands.
Haha. Nope. Just really need to
clean these hands. I ate a big,
sloppy pile of Indian food and now
I need to wash these hands. I'm
going to go to the bathroom in the
lobby to wash them again.
This is crazy. Why did anyone
bother to number that stuff? And
how do you keep track?
Oh, easy. There's a book.
Murph hands Pat an old, leather-bound book. Pat opens to a
random page and begins to read.
#43, when you go to take a shit,
but just have a really long fart
instead. #44, when you're taking a
shit, then someone else comes in
the bathroom, so you stop and wait
for the person to leave before
Kevin is doing that right now.
KEVIN'S feet are visible under a stall door.
Please hurry up.
#45, when you go to take a #1, then
realize after you've already
started at the urinal that you need
to take a #2.
That's the worst.
#46, checking your email on your
phone while taking a shit and then
realizing after a shit length of
time that you actually forgot to
shit because you were distracted by
your phone. #47, accidentally
making eye contact with someone
through the gap in the stall door.
#48, intentionally making eye
contact with someone though the gap
in the stall door. #49, getting
completely naked to take a shit,
then noticing that there's no
toilet paper in your stall and
trying to run to another stall
without getting dressed but getting
caught by someone else and then not
really having to shit anyway.
What? There's no "of course" about
any of this. These are all weird
bathroom behaviors. There can't
possibly be enough people doing
this stuff to warrant numbering
them and then publishing a book and
binding it in what feels like
really nice leather.
Pat, while gesticulating wildly flips to a later page. It
catches his eye and he stops.
Oh. Look at that. We are taking
Pull out to reveal that Pat and Murph are both standing at
the urinals, completely naked below their shirts, peeing on