Hardly Working: Porky Piggin' It

By

Adam Conover

          INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

          The entire staff is gathered for an all-hands meeting. Most
          of the writers aren't in the room.

                              SAM
                    Okay guys, I hate to bring this up,
                    but HR has been getting some
                    complaints from the other floors.
                    So while we're not going to have a
                    dress code, I do have to ask that
                    you all dress appropriately for
                    work.

          Adam enters, naked from the waist down, but wearing shoes.

                              ADAM
                    Hey guys, sorry I'm late.

          He sits down and crosses his legs.

                              ADAM
                    What did I miss?

                              SAM
                    See, this is what I'm talking
                    about. Adam, what --

                              ADAM
                    Oh, yeah. I'm Porky Piggin' it
                    today.

                              SAM
                         (stating the obvious)
                    Why?

                              ADAM
                    I read this article about it on
                    Lifehacker. It's supposed to be WAY
                    better for you.

                              SAM
                    That's ludicrous.

                              ADAM
                    Pfft. No more ludicrous than those
                    five-toed shoes.

          Reveal that Sam is wearing five-toed shoes.

                              SAM
                    Okay, first of all, hard-soled
                    shoes are the gulags of the feet,
                    and secondly --

          EMILY enters. She's topless, wearing a skirt, huge high
          heels and puffy white gloves.

                              EMILY
                         (breezily)
                    Hey guys, how's it goin', just FYI
                    I'm Minnie Mousing this week, no
                    big deal.
                         (seeing Adam)
                    Oh my god, are you Porky Piggin'
                    it. I support that so hard, that is
                    such a positive thing to do.

                              ADAM
                    Thank you!

                              SAM
                    Okay guys, for serious, you can't--

          KEVIN enters wearing, wearing the collar of a shirt and
          nothing else.

                              KEVIN
                    Hey guys. I'm Daffy Ducking.

                              SAM
                    Leave this room immediately.

                              KEVIN
                         (in his normal voice)
                    You're despicable.

          Marina is zipping up a jumpsuit and has goggles on her head.

                              MARINA
                    I'm Gadgeting!

                              SAM
                    Phew, that one's not so bad.

          OWEN and MURPH pop in from the side. Murph is nude except
          for an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt and Owen has a fedora and a
          leather jacket and nothing else.

                              OWEN AND MURPH
                    Rescue Rangers!

                              SAM
                    Gah!

          PAT appears in full formal evening wear, with a top hat,
          jacket with tails, spats, and no pants.

                              PAT
                    Jiminy Crickit, at your service!

          Dan somersaults through, naked except for a pair of red
          shoes and bumping into people every which way.

                              DAN
                    Sonic the Hedgehog, coming through!

                              SAM
                    Okay, you know what? Screw HR! I
                    want in! I'm Marvin the Martianing!

          He puts on a helmet and starts covering his face with black
          shoepolish.

          Everyone stops and looks at Sam.

                              MARINA

                              
                    Uh, Sam.

                              PAT
                    Whoa, dude. Whoa.

          Sam looks up, his face half-blackened.

                              SAM
                    What?

                              DAN
                    Marvin the Martian wears gloves.

                              SAM
                    Ohhh!

          He pulls on a pair of white cartoon gloves. Everyone cheers
          and babbles in character as we: