Feel what it feels like to feel like crap.
By Kevin Corrigan & Owen Parsons
POV: Sick Day By Kevin Corrigan and Owen Bertrude Parsons INT. BEDROOM - MORNING YOU wake up and try to open your eyes. They are stuck with eye gunk. You wipe them off. YOU (V.O.) Ugh. My eyes are extra gunky this morning. We hear you cluck your tongue against your mouth. YOU (V.O.) My tongue tastes like a dead person's tongue. Better swallow. You scream in pain IRL. YOU (V.O.) Aaand, my throat feels like it's being stabbed. Oh no. I'm sick. You get out of bed and approach the bathroom mirror. YOU (V.O.) Better assess the damage. You shine a flashlight into your mouth and look at your throat and "ahhhhh." YOU (V.O.) Looks red. But it always looks red. How red is bad red? Okay, check the tonsils. Camera zooms in, bounces back and forth as you look around your throat. You have no idea what tonsils look like. YOU (V.O.) Tonsils, tonsils... is that them? No, that's the frenulum. Epiglottis? Perineum? Perineum. I have no idea what anything is." Long throat-hawking sound effect. YOU (V.O.) What color phlegm is bad? White? Brown? He spits. a gross, fist-sized GLOB of yellow-green phlegm lands in the sink with a splat. You squeal like a girl. YOU (V.O.) Definitely that color. Okay, I'm sick. I guess I'll check Web MD even though it's just gonna tell me I'm gonna die. You get on your laptop and pull up WebMD. You click some things. YOU (V.O.) Crusty eyes. Sore Throat. Fever. What do I got? West Nigerian Renal Pox? Yeah right. I'll Google Image search that just for fun tho-OH God! Google image shows a monkey bursting out of a guy in a hospital gown's chest, a la Alien. You slam the laptop shut and chuck it away. GIRLFRIEND enters, sits down and puts her arm around you. GIRLFRIEND Hey sweety, what's wrong? You sigh and look down. YOU I'm sick. You look up. Reveal your girlfriend is now standing at the opposite end of the room, wearing a hazmat suit. GIRLFRIEND Aww, poor baby. I'm here for you. I'm gonna go. Get chicken soup. Here, have some tissues. She grabs a box of tissues with a grabber claw and throws it vaguely toward you as she leaves. YOU (V.O.) Guess I better call out of work. Hate wasting a sick day on being actually sick. You pick up your cell phone and call BOSS. As it's ringing- YOU (V.O.) Alright, sound sick. Sound sick. Sound-wait, I am sick. BOSS (V.O.) Hello? YOU Hey boss. Uh, I mean (coughing and raspy) Hey boss. I'm sooo sorry, I can't come in today. I feeling pretty under the weather. BOSS Again? YOU No, for real this time. BOSS Last time wasn't real? YOU Gotta go! You hang up. YOU (V.O.) Stupid. Oh God, my throat is killing me. Wonder if I have any cold medicine... You pull open your bedside drawer and pull out a dusty, cobwebbed bottle of SUDOQUIL, a cold medicine. YOU Whoa, I haven't seen this in years. Oh well, it's not like pills ever expire. You see "DEFINITELY EXPIRED, 1997" labeled on the bottle. YOU Huh. Better take extra just to be sure. You chug the pill bottle. Your phone vibrates. You look at it. There's a message from Boss. "I'd like you to do all your work from home today." YOU (V.O.) Pff. Yeah right. I'm not working from home. I'm gonna kick back and enjoy some primo daytime TV. You turn on the TV. The Price is Right (Drew Carey-era) is on. YOU (V.O.) Ew. Bob Barker looks terrible. You turn the TV off. YOU (V.O.) Nope. You know what. I'm just gonna lie in bed. Relax. Go to sleep. Try to enjoy my day off-Oh God I'm gonna- A continuous stream of vomit erupts from your mouth. YOU (coughing) I want my mom. You resume vomiting. Five seconds go by. You are drenching everything in barf. YOU (V.O.) (still vomiting) How is this even possible? END.