The Good Book has some bad writing.
By Streeter Seidell
EXT./INT. HEAVEN Angels - GABRIEL, MICHAEL, SAMAEL (who is gay) and METATRON - hang out in GOD'S Bedroom. A game of Catan is ready to go, but the 4 angles are reading The Bible and cracking up. God enters. GOD Sorry, had to flood the...HEY! My Diary! Come on! Stop reading it! God reaches for the Bible, Metatron pulls it away. GOD Give it, Metatron! God lunges for it, Gabriel holds him back. GABRIEL Read it! Metatron opens the bible. He reads to himself a little bit and then starts cracking up. God is embarrassed. METATRON OK, OK. OH! HAHAHA. Oh man, God says here that men shouldn't be around women who are on their periods! The Angels crack up. God struggles. METATRON Wait, wait. Here God says that you shouldn't "mix fibers." What? GOD I dunno! I was, like, barely an eternity old when I wrote that! GABRIEL Shut up, really? HA! Look at this: If a man lieth with another man, that is an abomination. SAMAEL (gay, sassy/funny) Hey ya big meanie! I'm just as you made me! God looks really embarrassed. GOD No Sameal, I didn't mean it like... MICHAEL Read the seafood thing again! God knowingly hangs his head, embarrassed. METATRON Oh, OK, OK. Anything in the seas or the rivers that has not fins and scales is detestable to you. GABRIEL What the f - No crab?! You love crab! GOD I was going through this weird pescetarian thing. Gabriel grabs the bible. GABRIEL Wait...(reading quickly to self) You will not gratify the desires of the flesh. Hold up! Were you saying not to J-off? GOD I don't know. Maybe? Can we just play Catan?! METATRON (ignoring him) You made it so people could have orgasms but you don't want them to J-Off? Like, Why do you even care? GOD I don't care anymore! I was like this weird, pissed off deity back then! Like, I almost made this one guy kill his own kid! GABRIEL That's f***ed, God. GOD (quietly) I had to see a child psychologist for a while... METATRON Wait, what's all these words on the top: Leviticus, Genesis, Ephesians, Deuteronomy? Beat GOD (quietly) Potential band names. They all CRACK UP. GOD (annoyed) Oh, Like you guys never tried to think of good band names, right?! SAMEAL Letters to the Corinthians?! GOD You'd go see that band! Gabriel is flipping back pages. GABRIEL God, what is...? God lunges for the book again. GOD NO! Samael holds him back. GABRIEL Did you...did you write a novel?! GOD ...It not a novel, OK! It's, like, an allegorical, epic story about this guy - GABRIEL Jesus. GOD Yeah. And he, like, has adventures and does magic and stuff. It's actually not that bad. SAMEAL Sounds sexy. GABRIEL Dude, your writing is terrible! Listen to how God writes: a man with leprosy came and said, "Lord, can make me clean." Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. Immediately he was cleansed of his leprosy. They all CRACK UP. MICHAEL Like, no build up, no tension, no suspense. Just "I'm sick" "Now you're not"! GABRIEL Ooh, here Jesus makes a blind guy see. And...here - Gabriel laughs so much he has to stop reading. GABRIEL (gathering himself) - Here Jesus rises from the dead! After 3 days! GOD The Jesus character was supposed to be like super powerful. GABRIEL But look, he gets caught by the Romans and doesn't use his powers to save himself! GOD That was the hero's sacrifice! You've obviously never read "Mythology" by Edith Hamilton. METATRON (mock-scholarly) Yes, yes...wasn't that the book that said you're a f***ing loser?! They all crack up again. God lunges for the book and he and Gabriel get into a struggle. The Angels are all cheering and laughing. GOD Give it! GABRIEL (struggling to read) ... You are to undergo circumcision, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and you. SAMEAL Go on... As they struggle the Bible drops and falls through the clouds to earth. They all stop horsing around and watch it fall. GABRIEL Oh shit...sorry, God. GOD Eh, it's fine. What's the worst that can happen?! God WINKS at camera