The Good Book has some bad writing.
By Streeter Seidell
Angels - GABRIEL, MICHAEL, SAMAEL (who is gay) and METATRON
- hang out in GOD'S Bedroom. A game of Catan is ready to go,
but the 4 angles are reading The Bible and cracking up. God
Sorry, had to flood the...HEY! My
Diary! Come on! Stop reading it!
God reaches for the Bible, Metatron pulls it away.
Give it, Metatron!
God lunges for it, Gabriel holds him back.
Metatron opens the bible. He reads to himself a little bit
and then starts cracking up. God is embarrassed.
OK, OK. OH! HAHAHA. Oh man, God
says here that men shouldn't be
around women who are on their
The Angels crack up. God struggles.
Wait, wait. Here God says that you
shouldn't "mix fibers." What?
I dunno! I was, like, barely an
eternity old when I wrote that!
Shut up, really? HA! Look at this:
If a man lieth with another man,
that is an abomination.
Hey ya big meanie! I'm just as you
God looks really embarrassed.
No Sameal, I didn't mean it like...
Read the seafood thing again!
God knowingly hangs his head, embarrassed.
Oh, OK, OK. Anything in the seas or
the rivers that has not fins and
scales is detestable to you.
What the f - No crab?! You love
I was going through this weird
Gabriel grabs the bible.
Wait...(reading quickly to self)
You will not gratify the desires of
the flesh. Hold up! Were you saying
not to J-off?
I don't know. Maybe? Can we just
You made it so people could have
orgasms but you don't want them to
J-Off? Like, Why do you even care?
I don't care anymore! I was like
this weird, pissed off deity back
then! Like, I almost made this one
guy kill his own kid!
That's f***ed, God.
I had to see a child psychologist
for a while...
Wait, what's all these words on the
top: Leviticus, Genesis, Ephesians,
Potential band names.
They all CRACK UP.
Oh, Like you guys never tried to
think of good band names, right?!
Letters to the Corinthians?!
You'd go see that band!
Gabriel is flipping back pages.
God, what is...?
God lunges for the book again.
Samael holds him back.
Did you...did you write a novel?!
...It not a novel, OK! It's, like,
an allegorical, epic story about
this guy -
Yeah. And he, like, has adventures
and does magic and stuff. It's
actually not that bad.
Dude, your writing is terrible!
Listen to how God writes: a man
with leprosy came and said, "Lord,
can make me clean." Jesus reached
out his hand and touched the man.
Immediately he was cleansed of his
They all CRACK UP.
Like, no build up, no tension, no
suspense. Just "I'm sick" "Now
Ooh, here Jesus makes a blind guy
see. And...here -
Gabriel laughs so much he has to stop reading.
- Here Jesus rises from the dead!
After 3 days!
The Jesus character was supposed to
be like super powerful.
But look, he gets caught by the
Romans and doesn't use his powers
to save himself!
That was the hero's sacrifice!
You've obviously never read
"Mythology" by Edith Hamilton.
Yes, yes...wasn't that the book
that said you're a f***ing loser?!
They all crack up again. God lunges for the book and he and
Gabriel get into a struggle. The Angels are all cheering and
(struggling to read)
... You are to undergo
circumcision, and it will be the
sign of the covenant between me and
As they struggle the Bible drops and falls through the
clouds to earth. They all stop horsing around and watch it
Oh shit...sorry, God.
Eh, it's fine. What's the worst
that can happen?!
God WINKS at camera