God's Diary is Embarrassing

By

Streeter Seidell

          EXT./INT. HEAVEN

          Angels - GABRIEL, MICHAEL, SAMAEL (who is gay) and METATRON
          - hang out in GOD'S Bedroom. A game of Catan is ready to go,
          but the 4 angles are reading The Bible and cracking up. God
          enters.

                              GOD
                    Sorry, had to flood the...HEY! My
                    Diary! Come on! Stop reading it!

          God reaches for the Bible, Metatron pulls it away.

                              GOD
                    Give it, Metatron!

          God lunges for it, Gabriel holds him back.

                              GABRIEL
                    Read it!

          Metatron opens the bible. He reads to himself a little bit
          and then starts cracking up. God is embarrassed.

                              METATRON
                    OK, OK. OH! HAHAHA. Oh man, God
                    says here that men shouldn't be
                    around women who are on their
                    periods!

          The Angels crack up. God struggles.

                              METATRON
                    Wait, wait. Here God says that you
                    shouldn't "mix fibers." What?

                              GOD
                    I dunno! I was, like, barely an
                    eternity old when I wrote that!

                              GABRIEL
                    Shut up, really? HA! Look at this:
                    If a man lieth with another man,
                    that is an abomination.

                              SAMAEL
                         (gay, sassy/funny)
                    Hey ya big meanie! I'm just as you
                    made me!

          God looks really embarrassed.

                              GOD
                    No Sameal, I didn't mean it like...
                    
                             MICHAEL
                    Read the seafood thing again!

          God knowingly hangs his head, embarrassed.

                              METATRON
                    Oh, OK, OK. Anything in the seas or
                    the rivers that has not fins and
                    scales is detestable to you.

                              GABRIEL
                    What the f - No crab?! You love
                    crab!

                              GOD
                    I was going through this weird
                    pescetarian thing.

           Gabriel grabs the bible.

                              GABRIEL
                    Wait...(reading quickly to self)
                    You will not gratify the desires of
                    the flesh. Hold up! Were you saying
                    not to J-off?

                              GOD
                    I don't know. Maybe? Can we just
                    play Catan?!

                              METATRON
                         (ignoring him)
                    You made it so people could have
                    orgasms but you don't want them to
                    J-Off? Like, Why do you even care?

                              GOD
                    I don't care anymore! I was like
                    this weird, pissed off deity back
                    then! Like, I almost made this one
                    guy kill his own kid!

                              GABRIEL
                    That's f***ed, God.

                              GOD
                         (quietly)
                    I had to see a child psychologist
                    for a while...

                              METATRON
                    Wait, what's all these words on the
                    top: Leviticus, Genesis, Ephesians,
                    Deuteronomy?

          Beat

                              GOD
                         (quietly)
                    Potential band names.

          They all CRACK UP.

                              GOD
                         (annoyed)
                    Oh, Like you guys never tried to
                    think of good band names, right?!

                              SAMEAL
                    Letters to the Corinthians?!

                              GOD
                    You'd go see that band!

          Gabriel is flipping back pages.

                              GABRIEL
                    God, what is...?

          God lunges for the book again.

                              GOD
                    NO!

          Samael holds him back.

                              GABRIEL
                    Did you...did you write a novel?!

                              GOD
                    ...It not a novel, OK! It's, like,
                    an allegorical, epic story about
                    this guy -

                              GABRIEL
                    Jesus.

                              GOD
                    Yeah. And he, like, has adventures
                    and does magic and stuff. It's
                    actually not that bad.

                              SAMEAL
                    Sounds sexy.

                              GABRIEL
                    Dude, your writing is terrible!
                    Listen to how God writes: a man
                    with leprosy came and said, "Lord,
                    can make me clean." Jesus reached
                    out his hand and touched the man.
                    Immediately he was cleansed of his
                    leprosy.

          They all CRACK UP.

                              MICHAEL
                    Like, no build up, no tension, no
                    suspense. Just "I'm sick" "Now
                    you're not"!

                              GABRIEL
                    Ooh, here Jesus makes a blind guy
                    see. And...here -

          Gabriel laughs so much he has to stop reading.

                              GABRIEL
                         (gathering himself)
                    - Here Jesus rises from the dead!
                    After 3 days!

                              GOD
                    The Jesus character was supposed to
                    be like super powerful.

                              GABRIEL
                    But look, he gets caught by the
                    Romans and doesn't use his powers
                    to save himself!

                              GOD
                    That was the hero's sacrifice!
                    You've obviously never read
                    "Mythology" by Edith Hamilton.

                              METATRON
                         (mock-scholarly)
                    Yes, yes...wasn't that the book
                    that said you're a f***ing loser?!

          They all crack up again. God lunges for the book and he and
          Gabriel get into a struggle. The Angels are all cheering and
          laughing.

                              GOD
                    Give it!

                              GABRIEL
                         (struggling to read)
                    ... You are to undergo
                    circumcision, and it will be the
                    sign of the covenant between me and
                    you.

                              SAMEAL
                    Go on...

          As they struggle the Bible drops and falls through the
          clouds to earth. They all stop horsing around and watch it
          fall.

                              GABRIEL
                    Oh shit...sorry, God.

                              GOD
                    Eh, it's fine. What's the worst
                    that can happen?!

          God WINKS at camera