Obama Panders to 50 States in 90 Seconds

By

Adam Conover

          INT. A ROOM

          PRESIDENT OBAMA stands in front of a greenscreen. The video
          is low-quality, as though self-filmed.

                              OBAMA
                    Hello, my fellow Americans.
                    Election season is almost over,
                    which means there's not much time
                    left to make my case to the
                    American people. So instead of
                    traveling from state to state
                    eating hot dogs and visiting state
                    fairs, in this video I'm going to
                    suck up to all fifty states in just
                    sixty seconds. So here we go!
                    Everyone knows my favorite food is:

          [Production Note: For each state, we hard cut to Obama in
          front of a differently cheap greenscreen background of the
          state and its name.]

          SUPER: Pennsylvania

                              OBAMA
                         (eating a cheesesteak)
                         Philadelphia Cheesesteaks!

          

          SUPER: California

                              OBAMA
                         (drinking wine)
                    Pinot Grigio.

          SUPER: New York

                              OBAMA
                         (silly huge New York accent)
                         Uh duhlicious baguhl, eyyyy!

          

          SUPER: Maine

                              OBAMA
                    Lobster bisque!

          SUPER: Vermont

                              OBAMA
                         (chugging a bottle of Maple
                         Syrup)
                    Pur-- Mapple -- Syrrp.

          SUPER: Hawaii

          Obama turns an entire roast pig on a spit.

          SUPER: Idaho

                              OBAMA
                         (biting a raw potato and
                         making a face)
                    Raw potatoes!

          SUPER: Oregon

                              OBAMA
                         (eating a wrap)
                    Raw vegan tofurky wraps!
                         (taking a bite)
                    Mmmmm, ethical!

          SUPER: Michigan

                              OBAMA
                         (eating a tire with a fork and
                         knife)
                    Boiled old tires!

          SUPER: Georgia

                              OBAMA
                         (eating a peach between two
                         slices of bread)
                    and Peach Sandwiches!
                         (taking a big bite)
                    Mmmm. And my favorite hobby is:

          SUPER: COLORADO

                              OBAMA
                         (in a ski outfit, posed like
                         he's a downhill racer)
                    Skiing!

          SUPER: Mississippi

                              OBAMA
                         (paddling a raft, folksily)
                    Paddlin' down the mighty miss-
                    issip.

          SUPER: Utah

                              OBAMA
                         (holding half a dozen babies
                         next to a dutiful wife)
                    Procreating!

          SUPER: Montana

                              OBAMA
                         (dressed like a cowboy)
                    Ropin' steers and rustlin' dogies,
                    yee-haw!

          SUPER: Wyoming

                              OBAMA
                         (dressed like a cowboy again)
                    Ropin' steers and rustlin' dogies,
                    yee-haw!

          SUPER: Arizona

                              OBAMA
                         (handcuffing an immigrant)
                    Arresting Mexicans!

          SUPER: New Hampshire

                              OBAMA
                         (in whiteface)
                    Being white!

          SUPER: Connecticut

                              OBAMA
                         (in whiteface and resort
                         casual attire)
                    Being rich!

          SUPER: Florida

                              OBAMA
                         (in whiteface, richface and
                         oldface)
                    Being old!

          SUPER: Iowa

                              OBAMA
                         (pointing to Iowa on a map)
                    Being able to find Iowa on a map!

          Obama points to Iowa on a map.

          SUPER: Massachussets

                              OBAMA
                         (dressed as a Masshole)
                    EY Red Sox rule, FUCK YOU!

          He punches a guy.

                              OBAMA
                    And my favorite music is ...

          SUPER: Illinois

                              OBAMA
                         (playing a big guitar)
                    The Chicago Blues!

          SUPER: Louisiana

                              OBAMA
                         (surrounded by a big New
                         Orleans brass band)
                    New Orleans jazz!

          SUPER: OHIO

                              OBAMA
                         (screaming in black metal
                         makeup)
                    CLEVELAND BLACK METAL!

          He bites the head off a bat.

          SUPER: Delaware

                              OBAMA
                         (next to a guy banging on a
                         bucket)
                    Delaware Bucket Drumming!

          SUPER: Nevada

          Obama stands next to a pole-dancing stripper.

                              OBAMA
                    Las Vegas pole dancing!
                         (lightly applauding the
                         stripper)
                    Excellent.

          SUPER: Indiana

                              OBAMA
                    And of course, Indiana Pan Pipes!

          He toots on a pan pipe.

          SUPER: Arkansas

                              OBAMA
                    And it's wonderful to be in the
                    birthplace of Bill Clinton.

          SUPER: Washington

                              OBAMA
                    Ted Bundy.

          SUPER: Kentucky

                              OBAMA
                    Foghorn Leghorn.

          SUPER: Tennessee

          Obama stands next to a gross redneck in a wifebeater.

                              OBAMA
                    Biden's dirtbag cousin Vern.

                              VERN
                    I live 'neath the railroad tracks.

                              OBAMA
                         (cutting him off)
                    And you know what I always say:

          SUPER: Texas

                              OBAMA
                         (in a cowboy hat)
                    Don't mess with Texas!

          SUPER: Minnesota

                              OBAMA
                         (wearing a heavy coat)
                    Donchaknow!

          SUPER: Rhode Island

                              OBAMA
                         (getting real small and
                         talking in tiny voice)
                    I'm teeeeeeny tiny!

          SUPER: New Jersey

          Obama is surrounded by chemical fumes.

                              OBAMA
                         (waving away fumes)
                    This state smells like egg farts.

          SUPER: Alaska

                              OBAMA
                         (loving his own joke)
                    What's Michelle's favorite color?
                    I'LL ASK 'EH.

          SUPER: North Dakota

                              OBAMA
                    Fuck South Dakota!

          SUPER: South Dakota

                              OBAMA
                    Fuck North Dakota!

          SUPER: Maryland

                              OBAMA
                    Omar's comin'!

          SUPER: New Mexico

                              OBAMA
                         (popping out of a hole like
                         Bugs Bunny)
                    I shoulda toined right at
                    Albakoike!

          SUPER: North Carolina

                              OBAMA
                    Alright, let's knock the rest of
                    these out. North.

          SUPER: South Carolina

                              OBAMA
                    South.

          SUPER: West Virginia

                              OBAMA
                    West.

          SUPER: Virginia

                              OBAMA
                    Regular.

          SUPER: Alabama and Missouri

          Obama stands in front of images of Alabama and Missouri.

                              OBAMA
                    These two look the same.

          SUPER: Kansas

                              OBAMA
                         (reading his phone)
                    Your main export is wheat!

          SUPER: Wisconsin

                              OBAMA
                    Once in Wisconsin I saw a guy
                    taking a shit on the side of the
                    road.

          SUPER: Oklahoma

                              OBAMA
                         (reading his phone again)
                    Ooh, according to Yelp, your
                    service is terrible.

          SUPER: Nebraska

          Obama looks at his phone.

                              OBAMA
                    Ah... battery's dead.
                         (off camera)
                    Anyone know anything about
                    Nebraska?

          Beat.

                              OBAMA
                    Ah, fuck 'em. No way I'm losing
                    this thing anyway.