Obama Panders to 50 States in 90 Seconds
By Adam Conover
INT. A ROOM
PRESIDENT OBAMA stands in front of a greenscreen. The video
is low-quality, as though self-filmed.
OBAMA
Hello, my fellow Americans.
Election season is almost over,
which means there's not much time
left to make my case to the
American people. So instead of
traveling from state to state
eating hot dogs and visiting state
fairs, in this video I'm going to
suck up to all fifty states in just
sixty seconds. So here we go!
Everyone knows my favorite food is:
[Production Note: For each state, we hard cut to Obama in
front of a differently cheap greenscreen background of the
state and its name.]
SUPER: Pennsylvania
OBAMA
(eating a cheesesteak)
Philadelphia Cheesesteaks!
SUPER: California
OBAMA
(drinking wine)
Pinot Grigio.
SUPER: New York
OBAMA
(silly huge New York accent)
Uh duhlicious baguhl, eyyyy!
SUPER: Maine
OBAMA
Lobster bisque!
SUPER: Vermont
OBAMA
(chugging a bottle of Maple
Syrup)
Pur-- Mapple -- Syrrp.
SUPER: Hawaii
Obama turns an entire roast pig on a spit.
SUPER: Idaho
OBAMA
(biting a raw potato and
making a face)
Raw potatoes!
SUPER: Oregon
OBAMA
(eating a wrap)
Raw vegan tofurky wraps!
(taking a bite)
Mmmmm, ethical!
SUPER: Michigan
OBAMA
(eating a tire with a fork and
knife)
Boiled old tires!
SUPER: Georgia
OBAMA
(eating a peach between two
slices of bread)
and Peach Sandwiches!
(taking a big bite)
Mmmm. And my favorite hobby is:
SUPER: COLORADO
OBAMA
(in a ski outfit, posed like
he's a downhill racer)
Skiing!
SUPER: Mississippi
OBAMA
(paddling a raft, folksily)
Paddlin' down the mighty miss-
issip.
SUPER: Utah
OBAMA
(holding half a dozen babies
next to a dutiful wife)
Procreating!
SUPER: Montana
OBAMA
(dressed like a cowboy)
Ropin' steers and rustlin' dogies,
yee-haw!
SUPER: Wyoming
OBAMA
(dressed like a cowboy again)
Ropin' steers and rustlin' dogies,
yee-haw!
SUPER: Arizona
OBAMA
(handcuffing an immigrant)
Arresting Mexicans!
SUPER: New Hampshire
OBAMA
(in whiteface)
Being white!
SUPER: Connecticut
OBAMA
(in whiteface and resort
casual attire)
Being rich!
SUPER: Florida
OBAMA
(in whiteface, richface and
oldface)
Being old!
SUPER: Iowa
OBAMA
(pointing to Iowa on a map)
Being able to find Iowa on a map!
Obama points to Iowa on a map.
SUPER: Massachussets
OBAMA
(dressed as a Masshole)
EY Red Sox rule, FUCK YOU!
He punches a guy.
OBAMA
And my favorite music is ...
SUPER: Illinois
OBAMA
(playing a big guitar)
The Chicago Blues!
SUPER: Louisiana
OBAMA
(surrounded by a big New
Orleans brass band)
New Orleans jazz!
SUPER: OHIO
OBAMA
(screaming in black metal
makeup)
CLEVELAND BLACK METAL!
He bites the head off a bat.
SUPER: Delaware
OBAMA
(next to a guy banging on a
bucket)
Delaware Bucket Drumming!
SUPER: Nevada
Obama stands next to a pole-dancing stripper.
OBAMA
Las Vegas pole dancing!
(lightly applauding the
stripper)
Excellent.
SUPER: Indiana
OBAMA
And of course, Indiana Pan Pipes!
He toots on a pan pipe.
SUPER: Arkansas
OBAMA
And it's wonderful to be in the
birthplace of Bill Clinton.
SUPER: Washington
OBAMA
Ted Bundy.
SUPER: Kentucky
OBAMA
Foghorn Leghorn.
SUPER: Tennessee
Obama stands next to a gross redneck in a wifebeater.
OBAMA
Biden's dirtbag cousin Vern.
VERN
I live 'neath the railroad tracks.
OBAMA
(cutting him off)
And you know what I always say:
SUPER: Texas
OBAMA
(in a cowboy hat)
Don't mess with Texas!
SUPER: Minnesota
OBAMA
(wearing a heavy coat)
Donchaknow!
SUPER: Rhode Island
OBAMA
(getting real small and
talking in tiny voice)
I'm teeeeeeny tiny!
SUPER: New Jersey
Obama is surrounded by chemical fumes.
OBAMA
(waving away fumes)
This state smells like egg farts.
SUPER: Alaska
OBAMA
(loving his own joke)
What's Michelle's favorite color?
I'LL ASK 'EH.
SUPER: North Dakota
OBAMA
Fuck South Dakota!
SUPER: South Dakota
OBAMA
Fuck North Dakota!
SUPER: Maryland
OBAMA
Omar's comin'!
SUPER: New Mexico
OBAMA
(popping out of a hole like
Bugs Bunny)
I shoulda toined right at
Albakoike!
SUPER: North Carolina
OBAMA
Alright, let's knock the rest of
these out. North.
SUPER: South Carolina
OBAMA
South.
SUPER: West Virginia
OBAMA
West.
SUPER: Virginia
OBAMA
Regular.
SUPER: Alabama and Missouri
Obama stands in front of images of Alabama and Missouri.
OBAMA
These two look the same.
SUPER: Kansas
OBAMA
(reading his phone)
Your main export is wheat!
SUPER: Wisconsin
OBAMA
Once in Wisconsin I saw a guy
taking a shit on the side of the
road.
SUPER: Oklahoma
OBAMA
(reading his phone again)
Ooh, according to Yelp, your
service is terrible.
SUPER: Nebraska
Obama looks at his phone.
OBAMA
Ah... battery's dead.
(off camera)
Anyone know anything about
Nebraska?
Beat.
OBAMA
Ah, fuck 'em. No way I'm losing
this thing anyway.
FEATURE
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Script
Obama Panders to 50 States in 90 Seconds
INT. A ROOM PRESIDENT OBAMA stands in front of a greenscreen. The video is low-quality, as though self-filmed. OBAMA Hello, my fellow Americans. Election season is almost over, which means there's not much time left to make my case to the American people. So instead of traveling from state to state eating hot dogs and visiting state fairs, in this video I'm going to suck up to all fifty states in just sixty seconds. So here we go! Everyone knows my favorite food is: [Production Note: For each state, we hard cut to Obama in front of a differently cheap greenscreen background of the state and its name.] SUPER: Pennsylvania OBAMA (eating a cheesesteak) Philadelphia Cheesesteaks! SUPER: California OBAMA (drinking wine) Pinot Grigio. SUPER: New York OBAMA (silly huge New York accent) Uh duhlicious baguhl, eyyyy! SUPER: Maine OBAMA Lobster bisque! SUPER: Vermont OBAMA (chugging a bottle of Maple Syrup) Pur-- Mapple -- Syrrp. SUPER: Hawaii Obama turns an entire roast pig on a spit. SUPER: Idaho OBAMA (biting a raw potato and making a face) Raw potatoes! SUPER: Oregon OBAMA (eating a wrap) Raw vegan tofurky wraps! (taking a bite) Mmmmm, ethical! SUPER: Michigan OBAMA (eating a tire with a fork and knife) Boiled old tires! SUPER: Georgia OBAMA (eating a peach between two slices of bread) and Peach Sandwiches! (taking a big bite) Mmmm. And my favorite hobby is: SUPER: COLORADO OBAMA (in a ski outfit, posed like he's a downhill racer) Skiing! SUPER: Mississippi OBAMA (paddling a raft, folksily) Paddlin' down the mighty miss- issip. SUPER: Utah OBAMA (holding half a dozen babies next to a dutiful wife) Procreating! SUPER: Montana OBAMA (dressed like a cowboy) Ropin' steers and rustlin' dogies, yee-haw! SUPER: Wyoming OBAMA (dressed like a cowboy again) Ropin' steers and rustlin' dogies, yee-haw! SUPER: Arizona OBAMA (handcuffing an immigrant) Arresting Mexicans! SUPER: New Hampshire OBAMA (in whiteface) Being white! SUPER: Connecticut OBAMA (in whiteface and resort casual attire) Being rich! SUPER: Florida OBAMA (in whiteface, richface and oldface) Being old! SUPER: Iowa OBAMA (pointing to Iowa on a map) Being able to find Iowa on a map! Obama points to Iowa on a map. SUPER: Massachussets OBAMA (dressed as a Masshole) EY Red Sox rule, FUCK YOU! He punches a guy. OBAMA And my favorite music is ... SUPER: Illinois OBAMA (playing a big guitar) The Chicago Blues! SUPER: Louisiana OBAMA (surrounded by a big New Orleans brass band) New Orleans jazz! SUPER: OHIO OBAMA (screaming in black metal makeup) CLEVELAND BLACK METAL! He bites the head off a bat. SUPER: Delaware OBAMA (next to a guy banging on a bucket) Delaware Bucket Drumming! SUPER: Nevada Obama stands next to a pole-dancing stripper. OBAMA Las Vegas pole dancing! (lightly applauding the stripper) Excellent. SUPER: Indiana OBAMA And of course, Indiana Pan Pipes! He toots on a pan pipe. SUPER: Arkansas OBAMA And it's wonderful to be in the birthplace of Bill Clinton. SUPER: Washington OBAMA Ted Bundy. SUPER: Kentucky OBAMA Foghorn Leghorn. SUPER: Tennessee Obama stands next to a gross redneck in a wifebeater. OBAMA Biden's dirtbag cousin Vern. VERN I live 'neath the railroad tracks. OBAMA (cutting him off) And you know what I always say: SUPER: Texas OBAMA (in a cowboy hat) Don't mess with Texas! SUPER: Minnesota OBAMA (wearing a heavy coat) Donchaknow! SUPER: Rhode Island OBAMA (getting real small and talking in tiny voice) I'm teeeeeeny tiny! SUPER: New Jersey Obama is surrounded by chemical fumes. OBAMA (waving away fumes) This state smells like egg farts. SUPER: Alaska OBAMA (loving his own joke) What's Michelle's favorite color? I'LL ASK 'EH. SUPER: North Dakota OBAMA Fuck South Dakota! SUPER: South Dakota OBAMA Fuck North Dakota! SUPER: Maryland OBAMA Omar's comin'! SUPER: New Mexico OBAMA (popping out of a hole like Bugs Bunny) I shoulda toined right at Albakoike! SUPER: North Carolina OBAMA Alright, let's knock the rest of these out. North. SUPER: South Carolina OBAMA South. SUPER: West Virginia OBAMA West. SUPER: Virginia OBAMA Regular. SUPER: Alabama and Missouri Obama stands in front of images of Alabama and Missouri. OBAMA These two look the same. SUPER: Kansas OBAMA (reading his phone) Your main export is wheat! SUPER: Wisconsin OBAMA Once in Wisconsin I saw a guy taking a shit on the side of the road. SUPER: Oklahoma OBAMA (reading his phone again) Ooh, according to Yelp, your service is terrible. SUPER: Nebraska Obama looks at his phone. OBAMA Ah... battery's dead. (off camera) Anyone know anything about Nebraska? Beat. OBAMA Ah, fuck 'em. No way I'm losing this thing anyway.Credits
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