From CH Staff on
He's a man of a thousand places.
By Adam Conover
INT. A ROOM PRESIDENT OBAMA stands in front of a greenscreen. The video is low-quality, as though self-filmed. OBAMA Hello, my fellow Americans. Election season is almost over, which means there's not much time left to make my case to the American people. So instead of traveling from state to state eating hot dogs and visiting state fairs, in this video I'm going to suck up to all fifty states in just sixty seconds. So here we go! Everyone knows my favorite food is: [Production Note: For each state, we hard cut to Obama in front of a differently cheap greenscreen background of the state and its name.] SUPER: Pennsylvania OBAMA (eating a cheesesteak) Philadelphia Cheesesteaks! SUPER: California OBAMA (drinking wine) Pinot Grigio. SUPER: New York OBAMA (silly huge New York accent) Uh duhlicious baguhl, eyyyy! SUPER: Maine OBAMA Lobster bisque! SUPER: Vermont OBAMA (chugging a bottle of Maple Syrup) Pur-- Mapple -- Syrrp. SUPER: Hawaii Obama turns an entire roast pig on a spit. SUPER: Idaho OBAMA (biting a raw potato and making a face) Raw potatoes! SUPER: Oregon OBAMA (eating a wrap) Raw vegan tofurky wraps! (taking a bite) Mmmmm, ethical! SUPER: Michigan OBAMA (eating a tire with a fork and knife) Boiled old tires! SUPER: Georgia OBAMA (eating a peach between two slices of bread) and Peach Sandwiches! (taking a big bite) Mmmm. And my favorite hobby is: SUPER: COLORADO OBAMA (in a ski outfit, posed like he's a downhill racer) Skiing! SUPER: Mississippi OBAMA (paddling a raft, folksily) Paddlin' down the mighty miss- issip. SUPER: Utah OBAMA (holding half a dozen babies next to a dutiful wife) Procreating! SUPER: Montana OBAMA (dressed like a cowboy) Ropin' steers and rustlin' dogies, yee-haw! SUPER: Wyoming OBAMA (dressed like a cowboy again) Ropin' steers and rustlin' dogies, yee-haw! SUPER: Arizona OBAMA (handcuffing an immigrant) Arresting Mexicans! SUPER: New Hampshire OBAMA (in whiteface) Being white! SUPER: Connecticut OBAMA (in whiteface and resort casual attire) Being rich! SUPER: Florida OBAMA (in whiteface, richface and oldface) Being old! SUPER: Iowa OBAMA (pointing to Iowa on a map) Being able to find Iowa on a map! Obama points to Iowa on a map. SUPER: Massachussets OBAMA (dressed as a Masshole) EY Red Sox rule, FUCK YOU! He punches a guy. OBAMA And my favorite music is ... SUPER: Illinois OBAMA (playing a big guitar) The Chicago Blues! SUPER: Louisiana OBAMA (surrounded by a big New Orleans brass band) New Orleans jazz! SUPER: OHIO OBAMA (screaming in black metal makeup) CLEVELAND BLACK METAL! He bites the head off a bat. SUPER: Delaware OBAMA (next to a guy banging on a bucket) Delaware Bucket Drumming! SUPER: Nevada Obama stands next to a pole-dancing stripper. OBAMA Las Vegas pole dancing! (lightly applauding the stripper) Excellent. SUPER: Indiana OBAMA And of course, Indiana Pan Pipes! He toots on a pan pipe. SUPER: Arkansas OBAMA And it's wonderful to be in the birthplace of Bill Clinton. SUPER: Washington OBAMA Ted Bundy. SUPER: Kentucky OBAMA Foghorn Leghorn. SUPER: Tennessee Obama stands next to a gross redneck in a wifebeater. OBAMA Biden's dirtbag cousin Vern. VERN I live 'neath the railroad tracks. OBAMA (cutting him off) And you know what I always say: SUPER: Texas OBAMA (in a cowboy hat) Don't mess with Texas! SUPER: Minnesota OBAMA (wearing a heavy coat) Donchaknow! SUPER: Rhode Island OBAMA (getting real small and talking in tiny voice) I'm teeeeeeny tiny! SUPER: New Jersey Obama is surrounded by chemical fumes. OBAMA (waving away fumes) This state smells like egg farts. SUPER: Alaska OBAMA (loving his own joke) What's Michelle's favorite color? I'LL ASK 'EH. SUPER: North Dakota OBAMA Fuck South Dakota! SUPER: South Dakota OBAMA Fuck North Dakota! SUPER: Maryland OBAMA Omar's comin'! SUPER: New Mexico OBAMA (popping out of a hole like Bugs Bunny) I shoulda toined right at Albakoike! SUPER: North Carolina OBAMA Alright, let's knock the rest of these out. North. SUPER: South Carolina OBAMA South. SUPER: West Virginia OBAMA West. SUPER: Virginia OBAMA Regular. SUPER: Alabama and Missouri Obama stands in front of images of Alabama and Missouri. OBAMA These two look the same. SUPER: Kansas OBAMA (reading his phone) Your main export is wheat! SUPER: Wisconsin OBAMA Once in Wisconsin I saw a guy taking a shit on the side of the road. SUPER: Oklahoma OBAMA (reading his phone again) Ooh, according to Yelp, your service is terrible. SUPER: Nebraska Obama looks at his phone. OBAMA Ah... battery's dead. (off camera) Anyone know anything about Nebraska? Beat. OBAMA Ah, fuck 'em. No way I'm losing this thing anyway.