From CH Staff on
She'll be your shoulder to cry on if you hold her hair while she pukes.
By Emily Axford
INT. THERAPIST OFFICE A patient, ALICE, 25, is sitting pensively in the middle of a sofa, clutching tissues. She speaks with gravity. ALICE I just feel like I've spent my whole life trying to impress him. CUT TO: DRUNK GIRL THERAPIST, in a glittery club dress with a professional jacket, disheveled and holding a Long Island Iced Tea. DRUNK GIRL THERAPIST (mispronouncing "seriously") Seriously? He's so not worth it. TITLE CARD: "DRUNK GIRL THERAPIST" ALICE He's my father.. I... DRUNK GIRL THERAPIST (like she's sharing a secret) You know what I think? You just gotta do you. ALICE I just gotta do me? DGT nods, just a little too much. DRUNK GIRL THERAPIST Do you think... It almost seems like she might say something relevant. DRUNK GIRL THERAPIST ...this table can hold me? She starts testing the table strength with her hands. Alice's monologue is interrupted by the CLUNKS of DGT trying to get up on the table. She reacts, but continues to speak. ALICE (trying again, with gravity) I have this early memory of standing on second base at a softball game and scanning the crowd for his face. He promised he'd come, but of course he never showed. He wasn't there then and he isn't here now. DGT is now dancing on the table, singing. DRUNK GIRL THERAPIST "Just gonna stand there and... (pausing for a revelation) Oh my God, this song is just like you and that guy! ALICE My dad? DRUNK GIRL THERAPIST Ugggh, you just need to hook up with him! ALICE What? DRUNK GIRL THERAPIST (getting teary) Why do all my friends have boyfriends! ALICE I don't, actually. DRUNK GIRL THERAPIST (conspiratorial whisper) I think he's gay. Alice is shocked. She starts to speak, but is interrupted. DRUNK GIRL THERAPIST Can I say something? Can I say something? Can I say something? (beat) I'm wearing my spanx tonight so I can drink beer later. (she loudly snaps them) Ow, my pussy. CUT TO: more serious shot. DRUNK GIRL THERAPIST Also, you're looking for happiness in your father's approval, when what you really need to focus on is you. She snaps her spanx again and winks. DRUNK GIRL THERAPIST Don't tell anyone, but I farted when I did that. DGT laughs to herself, then barfs. END.