Drunk Girl Therapist: Daddy Issues

By

Emily Axford

          INT. THERAPIST OFFICE

          A patient, ALICE, 25, is sitting pensively in the middle of
          a sofa, clutching tissues. She speaks with gravity.

                              ALICE
                    I just feel like I've spent my
                    whole life trying to impress him.

          CUT TO: DRUNK GIRL THERAPIST, in a glittery club dress with
          a professional jacket, disheveled and holding a Long Island
          Iced Tea.

                              DRUNK GIRL THERAPIST
                         (mispronouncing "seriously")
                    Seriously? He's so not worth it.

          TITLE CARD: "DRUNK GIRL THERAPIST"

                              ALICE
                    He's my father.. I...

                              DRUNK GIRL THERAPIST
                         (like she's sharing a secret)
                    You know what I think? You just
                    gotta do you.

                              ALICE
                    I just gotta do me?

          DGT nods, just a little too much.

                              DRUNK GIRL THERAPIST
                    Do you think...

          It almost seems like she might say something relevant.

                              DRUNK GIRL THERAPIST
                    ...this table can hold me?

          She starts testing the table strength with her hands.
          Alice's monologue is interrupted by the CLUNKS of DGT trying
          to get up on the table. She reacts, but continues to speak.

                              ALICE
                         (trying again, with gravity)
                    I have this early memory of
                    standing on second base at a
                    softball game and scanning the
                    crowd for his face. He promised
                    he'd come, but of course he never
                    showed. He wasn't there then and he
                    isn't here now.

          DGT is now dancing on the table, singing.

                              DRUNK GIRL THERAPIST
                    "Just gonna stand there and... 
                         (pausing for a revelation)
                    Oh my God, this song is just like
                    you and that guy!

                              ALICE
                    My dad?

                              DRUNK GIRL THERAPIST
                    Ugggh, you just need to hook up
                    with him!

                              ALICE
                    What?

                              DRUNK GIRL THERAPIST
                         (getting teary)
                    Why do all my friends have
                    boyfriends!

                              ALICE
                    I don't, actually.

                              DRUNK GIRL THERAPIST
                         (conspiratorial whisper)
                    I think he's gay.

          Alice is shocked. She starts to speak, but is interrupted.

                              DRUNK GIRL THERAPIST
                    Can I say something? Can I say
                    something? Can I say something?
                         (beat)
                    I'm wearing my spanx tonight so I
                    can drink beer later.
                         (she loudly snaps them)
                    Ow, my pussy.

          CUT TO: more serious shot.

                              DRUNK GIRL THERAPIST
                    Also, you're looking for happiness
                    in your father's approval, when
                    what you really need to focus on is
                    you.

          She snaps her spanx again and winks. 

                              DRUNK GIRL THERAPIST
                    Don't tell anyone, but I farted
                    when I did that.

          DGT laughs to herself, then barfs.

          END.