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Hardly Working / Final Destination (Part 1)

From CH Staff on October 29, 2012

Death is coming... if they don't kill themselves first. One of five terrifying episodes releasing every day this week on CollegeHumor.

Hardly Working: Final Destination (Part 1)

By Owen Parsons

          INT. KITCHEN

          A bagel is stuck in a slot toaster. PAT pokes a fork around
          in the slot trying to free it as EMILY, ADAM, MURPH, KEVIN,
          OWEN, DAN, MARINA and JOSH stand in line behind him with
          their own bagels, waiting for their turn.

                              EMILY
                    Come on, Pat, move it! You're
                    hogging the toaster.

                              PAT
                    Sorry. It's really jammed in there.

                              DAN
                    Told you that bagel was too thick.

                              KEVIN
                         (whispering)
                    He flew too close to the sun.

                              MARINA
                    Ugh. Why is the floor so wet?

                              JOSH
                         (holding empty jug)
                    Sorry, that was me. I spilled my
                    big water jug.

                              OWEN
                         (holding copper wire)
                    Don't worry, though. I laid down
                    some copper wire to keep our shoes
                    dry.

                              EVERYONE ELSE
                    Good idea. / Nice job. / Smart.

          Pat pries his bagel out of the toaster.

                              PAT
                    Got it!
                         (looking in the toaster)
                    Ooh, someone dropped a penny in
                    here.

          He reaches back in with the fork. Everyone is ELECTROCUTED
          HORRIBLY. Zoom in on Murph's eye...

                              ADAM (V.O.)
                    Murph... Murph... Murph...

          INT. NOLL HOLL

          Zoom out of Murph's eye, revealing the previous was a
          PSYCHIC PREMONITION. Adam shakes his shoulder.

                              ADAM
                    Murph, wake up! It's free bagel
                    day!

          Everyone else is taking bagels off a platter.

                              PAT
                    Yes! Dibs on this fat one. Last one
                    to the toaster's a rotten fink!

                              MURPH
                    NO! DON'T GO TO THE KITCHEN!

                              EVERYONE ELSE
                    Huh? / What are you talking about?

                              MURPH
                    I just had a Final Destination
                    premonition. After we go to the
                    kitchen, Pat's bagel gets stuck in
                    the toaster, and we all get
                    electrocuted!

          Everyone gasps.

                              MURPH
                    But as long as we stay in here,
                    we're safe.

                              PAT
                    I dunno, I'm pretty sure this
                    bagel'll fit.

                              MURPH
                    Classic bagel mistake, looks fine
                    now, but those toaster slots are
                    slimmer than you think. Also we'll
                    all die screaming.

                              PAT
                    I'm gonna risk it.

                              KEVIN
                    But why?

                              PAT
                    I could live the rest of my life in
                    fear. Running from death. Flinching
                    at every shadow. Choke down cold
                    bagels with even colder cream
                    cheese. Or I could stand up now and
                    stare death in the eyes. Like a man
                    my father could be proud of.

          INT. KITCHEN

          PAT is horrifyingly electrocuted by the toaster. The rest of
          the cast watches from a safe distance as he spasms.

                              EMILY
                    What's that smell?

                              DAN
                    He's shitting himself.

          They back off into the hallway near the fire escape.

                              ADAM
                         (relaxing)
                    Well, the point is, Murph's psychic
                    visions saved us and now, if I
                    understand Final Destination rules
                    correctly, we're safe forever. Why
                    don't we all think about that while
                    I take this box of loose knives
                    down to the mailroom.

          Adam backs into the stairwell, whistling.

                              ADAM (O.S.)
                    Whoop!

          Long falling down the stairs / stabbing sound effects,
          followed by a thump. Writers peer down the steps in horror.

                              WHINY OFFSCREEN VOICE
                    Aw, who left all this blood on the
                    stairs? That's a fire hazard.

          Slow zoom on Murph. Dramatic music.

                              MURPH
                    This is only the beginning. Death
                    is coming for all of us. And none
                    of us- none of us- are safe.

          Dramatic close ups on each of the remaining writers. In the
          background, SAM walks into an office, then pokes his head
          back out into the hallway.

                              SAM
                    Ooh, I'm safe! Thanks for not
                    telling me about free bagel day!

          Everyone stares at Sam. Sam's smile fades.

                              SAM
                    I mean physically safe. My feelings
                    are very hurt.

          TO BE CONTINUED.