From CH Staff on
Death is coming... if they don't kill themselves first. One of five terrifying episodes releasing every day this week on CollegeHumor.UnsSubscribe ToFrom Hardly Working
By Owen Parsons
INT. KITCHEN A bagel is stuck in a slot toaster. PAT pokes a fork around in the slot trying to free it as EMILY, ADAM, MURPH, KEVIN, OWEN, DAN, MARINA and JOSH stand in line behind him with their own bagels, waiting for their turn. EMILY Come on, Pat, move it! You're hogging the toaster. PAT Sorry. It's really jammed in there. DAN Told you that bagel was too thick. KEVIN (whispering) He flew too close to the sun. MARINA Ugh. Why is the floor so wet? JOSH (holding empty jug) Sorry, that was me. I spilled my big water jug. OWEN (holding copper wire) Don't worry, though. I laid down some copper wire to keep our shoes dry. EVERYONE ELSE Good idea. / Nice job. / Smart. Pat pries his bagel out of the toaster. PAT Got it! (looking in the toaster) Ooh, someone dropped a penny in here. He reaches back in with the fork. Everyone is ELECTROCUTED HORRIBLY. Zoom in on Murph's eye... ADAM (V.O.) Murph... Murph... Murph... INT. NOLL HOLL Zoom out of Murph's eye, revealing the previous was a PSYCHIC PREMONITION. Adam shakes his shoulder. ADAM Murph, wake up! It's free bagel day! Everyone else is taking bagels off a platter. PAT Yes! Dibs on this fat one. Last one to the toaster's a rotten fink! MURPH NO! DON'T GO TO THE KITCHEN! EVERYONE ELSE Huh? / What are you talking about? MURPH I just had a Final Destination premonition. After we go to the kitchen, Pat's bagel gets stuck in the toaster, and we all get electrocuted! Everyone gasps. MURPH But as long as we stay in here, we're safe. PAT I dunno, I'm pretty sure this bagel'll fit. MURPH Classic bagel mistake, looks fine now, but those toaster slots are slimmer than you think. Also we'll all die screaming. PAT I'm gonna risk it. KEVIN But why? PAT I could live the rest of my life in fear. Running from death. Flinching at every shadow. Choke down cold bagels with even colder cream cheese. Or I could stand up now and stare death in the eyes. Like a man my father could be proud of. INT. KITCHEN PAT is horrifyingly electrocuted by the toaster. The rest of the cast watches from a safe distance as he spasms. EMILY What's that smell? DAN He's shitting himself. They back off into the hallway near the fire escape. ADAM (relaxing) Well, the point is, Murph's psychic visions saved us and now, if I understand Final Destination rules correctly, we're safe forever. Why don't we all think about that while I take this box of loose knives down to the mailroom. Adam backs into the stairwell, whistling. ADAM (O.S.) Whoop! Long falling down the stairs / stabbing sound effects, followed by a thump. Writers peer down the steps in horror. WHINY OFFSCREEN VOICE Aw, who left all this blood on the stairs? That's a fire hazard. Slow zoom on Murph. Dramatic music. MURPH This is only the beginning. Death is coming for all of us. And none of us- none of us- are safe. Dramatic close ups on each of the remaining writers. In the background, SAM walks into an office, then pokes his head back out into the hallway. SAM Ooh, I'm safe! Thanks for not telling me about free bagel day! Everyone stares at Sam. Sam's smile fades. SAM I mean physically safe. My feelings are very hurt. TO BE CONTINUED.