Gay Men Will Marry Your Girlfriends

By

Dan Gurewitch

          INT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS - DAY

          GUYS 1-5 address camera, each in a different location:
          LIVING ROOM, BEDROOM, KITCHEN, GARDEN and GYM. They're all
          handsome, cut, well-dressed men. Extraordinarily confident.

                              LIVING ROOM GUY
                    Over time, Americans are becoming
                    more comfortable with the idea of
                    gay marriage, seeing it as both a
                    moral and civil rights issue.

                              BEDROOM GUY
                    But there are still many out there
                    who are fighting against the
                    cause.

                              KITCHEN GUY
                    And as gay men ourselves, we would
                    just like to say to those people:
                    fine. Keep marriage between a man
                    and a woman. And in response, we
                    will marry your girlfriends.

                              GARDEN GUY
                    We'll marry your girlfriends.

                              GYM GUY
                    What, you don't think we could?

                              LIVING ROOM GUY
                    We'd be the best husbands EVER.

                              BEDROOM GUY
                    Have you seen us? We are ripped.

                              KITCHEN GUY
                    All of us are ripped. It doesn't
                    seem statistically possible, and
                    yet it's true.

                              GYM GUY
                         (finishing his last REP)
                    Because we love going to the gym.
                    You know who else loves going to
                    the gym? Your girlfriend.

                              GARDEN GUY
                    We will go to the gym with her, and
                    then after we'll get Pinkberry as a
                    reward. That sounds like a great
                    time to us.

                              LIVING ROOM
                    Not to mention we dress better than
                    you. While you were spilling
                    Manwich on your cargo shorts, we
                    were inspecting our Oxford shirts
                    for the craftsmanship of their
                    gauntlet buttons.

          He gestures to a NEATLY LAID-OUT series of OXFORD SHIRTS.

                              BEDROOM GUY
                    What do you make your girlfriend
                    for breakfast, burnt scrambled
                    eggs? We will make her a quiche.

                              GARDEN GUY
                    A motherfucking quiche.

                              KITCHEN GUY
                         (showing off FRESH HUMMUS)
                    With a side of hummus we made from
                    scratch. Do you even know the
                    difference between hummus and baba
                    ganoush? You're a joke.

                              GYM GUY
                    And don't even get us started on
                    dates.

                              LIVING ROOM GUY
                    You don't want to go dancing? We
                    teach a dance class.

                              GARDEN GUY
                    Urban Tango.

                              BEDROOM GUY
                    You're not on the list for that art
                    gallery opening? Hold on, we'll BBM
                    the owner.

                              GARDEN GUY
                    Maurice.

                              KITCHEN GUY
                    Not in the mood to go to that
                    Broadway show? We are.

                              GARDEN GUY
                    We're IN it.

                              GYM GUY
                    Yes we would like to go to that 80s
                    themed costume party, and no,  we
                    weren't just checking out that
                    other girl.

                              LIVING ROOM GUY
                    Obviously.

                              BEDROOM GUY
                    Ew.

                              KITCHEN GUY
                    Hummus is chickpeas, baba ganoush
                    is eggplant. Jesus.

                              GARDEN GUY
                    Ever notice how girls always have
                    us as roommates? That's because
                    we're incredibly clean and
                    amazingly fun.

                              KITCHEN GUY
                         (yelling over "CALL YOUR
                         GIRLFRIEND," doing dishes)
                    We blast Robyn while we make dishes
                    spotless!

                              GYM GUY
                    We're like Mary Poppins with a six
                    pack.

                              LIVING ROOM GUY
                    You don't want to watch her
                    favorite Bravo shows? We do, and
                    afterward, we want to talk about
                    it.

                              GARDEN GUY
                    And the only thing we love more
                    than talking is listening.

                              KITCHEN GUY
                    We could listen to your girlfriend
                    for hours, just reassuring her that
                    she's not the crazy one, and that
                    she's totally, 100% right.

                              BEDROOM GUY
                    Cassandra is being a bitch.

                              LIVING ROOM GUY
                    Also, her dad loves us.

                              GYM GUY
                    That's because he's not threatened
                    by us. In fact, we're playing
                    squash with him right now.
                         (LOSING A SQUASH POINT against
                         an OLDER MAN)
                    Well PLAYED, Mr. Bennett!

                              KITCHEN GUY
                    Now you're probably thinking, sex -
                    that's where you have us beat.

                              BEDROOM GUY
                         (making a "buzzer" sound)
                             EEEHHHHH!
                    
                             GYM GUY
                    We already know how she likes to be
                    kissed. She thinks it's funny to
                    make out with us when she's drunk.

                              BEDROOM GUY
                    And you know all those sweet spots,
                    preferences and fantasies that
                    she's too embarrassed to tell you
                    or thinks you should innately know?

                              GARDEN GUY
                    Yeah, she's told us.

                              GYM GUY
                    We even helped her come up with
                    some.

                              LIVING ROOM GUY
                    We could play her like an upright
                    bass.

                              KITCHEN GUY
                    And the kind of threesome she
                    wants?

          Reveal that Bedroom Guy is in bed with a woman AND man.

                              BEDROOM GUY
                    Oh, we're cool with that.

                              KITCHEN GUY
                    As if all this isn't enough, we're
                    the shoulder your girlfriend cries
                    on when she complains about you. We
                    know literally all of your
                    weaknesses.

                              GYM GUY
                    You are Death Stars, and we are an
                    army of fabulous Luke Skywalkers.

                              LIVING ROOM GUY
                    So remember: we're doing you a huge
                    solid by being more attracted to
                    each other than to your
                    girlfriends.

                              BEDROOM GUY
                    But if you stay close-minded about
                    this, we will take one for the team
                    and marry the crap out of them.

                              KITCHEN GUY
                    So don't make us marry your
                    girlfriends. Support gay marriage.

          END.