From CH Staff on
We support gay marriage. Here's why you should too.
By Dan Gurewitch
INT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS - DAY GUYS 1-5 address camera, each in a different location: LIVING ROOM, BEDROOM, KITCHEN, GARDEN and GYM. They're all handsome, cut, well-dressed men. Extraordinarily confident. LIVING ROOM GUY Over time, Americans are becoming more comfortable with the idea of gay marriage, seeing it as both a moral and civil rights issue. BEDROOM GUY But there are still many out there who are fighting against the cause. KITCHEN GUY And as gay men ourselves, we would just like to say to those people: fine. Keep marriage between a man and a woman. And in response, we will marry your girlfriends. GARDEN GUY We'll marry your girlfriends. GYM GUY What, you don't think we could? LIVING ROOM GUY We'd be the best husbands EVER. BEDROOM GUY Have you seen us? We are ripped. KITCHEN GUY All of us are ripped. It doesn't seem statistically possible, and yet it's true. GYM GUY (finishing his last REP) Because we love going to the gym. You know who else loves going to the gym? Your girlfriend. GARDEN GUY We will go to the gym with her, and then after we'll get Pinkberry as a reward. That sounds like a great time to us. LIVING ROOM Not to mention we dress better than you. While you were spilling Manwich on your cargo shorts, we were inspecting our Oxford shirts for the craftsmanship of their gauntlet buttons. He gestures to a NEATLY LAID-OUT series of OXFORD SHIRTS. BEDROOM GUY What do you make your girlfriend for breakfast, burnt scrambled eggs? We will make her a quiche. GARDEN GUY A motherfucking quiche. KITCHEN GUY (showing off FRESH HUMMUS) With a side of hummus we made from scratch. Do you even know the difference between hummus and baba ganoush? You're a joke. GYM GUY And don't even get us started on dates. LIVING ROOM GUY You don't want to go dancing? We teach a dance class. GARDEN GUY Urban Tango. BEDROOM GUY You're not on the list for that art gallery opening? Hold on, we'll BBM the owner. GARDEN GUY Maurice. KITCHEN GUY Not in the mood to go to that Broadway show? We are. GARDEN GUY We're IN it. GYM GUY Yes we would like to go to that 80s themed costume party, and no,¬† we weren't just checking out that other girl. LIVING ROOM GUY Obviously. BEDROOM GUY Ew. KITCHEN GUY Hummus is chickpeas, baba ganoush is eggplant. Jesus. GARDEN GUY Ever notice how girls always have us as roommates? That's because we're incredibly clean and amazingly fun. KITCHEN GUY (yelling over "CALL YOUR GIRLFRIEND," doing dishes) We blast Robyn while we make dishes spotless! GYM GUY We're like Mary Poppins with a six pack. LIVING ROOM GUY You don't want to watch her favorite Bravo shows? We do, and afterward, we want to talk about it. GARDEN GUY And the only thing we love more than talking is listening. KITCHEN GUY We could listen to your girlfriend for hours, just reassuring her that she's not the crazy one, and that she's totally, 100% right. BEDROOM GUY Cassandra is being a bitch. LIVING ROOM GUY Also, her dad loves us. GYM GUY That's because he's not threatened by us. In fact, we're playing squash with him right now. (LOSING A SQUASH POINT against an OLDER MAN) Well PLAYED, Mr. Bennett! KITCHEN GUY Now you're probably thinking, sex - that's where you have us beat. BEDROOM GUY (making a "buzzer" sound) EEEHHHHH! GYM GUY We already know how she likes to be kissed. She thinks it's funny to make out with us when she's drunk. BEDROOM GUY And you know all those sweet spots, preferences and fantasies that she's too embarrassed to tell you or thinks you should innately know? GARDEN GUY Yeah, she's told us. GYM GUY We even helped her come up with some. LIVING ROOM GUY We could play her like an upright bass. KITCHEN GUY And the kind of threesome she wants? Reveal that Bedroom Guy is in bed with a woman AND man. BEDROOM GUY Oh, we're cool with that. KITCHEN GUY As if all this isn't enough, we're the shoulder your girlfriend cries on when she complains about you. We know literally all of your weaknesses. GYM GUY You are Death Stars, and we are an army of fabulous Luke Skywalkers. LIVING ROOM GUY So remember: we're doing you a huge solid by being more attracted to each other than to your girlfriends. BEDROOM GUY But if you stay close-minded about this, we will take one for the team and marry the crap out of them. KITCHEN GUY So don't make us marry your girlfriends. Support gay marriage. END.