They will scare you to your core.
By Adam Conover
INT. CONFERENCE / OFFICE ROOM PAT and MARINA enter a room marked "FREE YOGA CLASS" chatting and laughing. They stop when they see ADAM and EMILY standing barefoot just inside the threshold. Adam is wearing jean shorts over yoga pants, and Emily has a lot of turquoise on. They stare for a long moment at Pat and Marina, smiling slightly, as though looking into their souls. ADAM AND EMILY (meaningfully) Hello. Pat glances at Marina. Marina shakes her head like "Don't even ask." Adam and Emily takes their places in front of the class, which also includes two sinewy yoga snobs, HARL and YARROW. EMILY Namaste, everyone, and welcome. Everyone repeats "Namaste", Pat and Marina a little behind. ADAM Thank you all for joining us for our daily practice. Before we begin, remember: there are no judgments here. Emily looks Marina up and down judgmentally. EMILY Pfft. Marina looks alarmed. Adam presses play on a boombox and yoga music starts playing. ADAM Now, everyone place your feet shoulder width apart, and without pressing, press your feet into the floor. Press. But remember, don't press! Just: press. EMILY And whenever your heart lord commands you, just ooze yourself into downward facing dog. Namaste. She executes a beautiful "flow" into down-dog. Harl and Yarrow do it even more impressively while saying "Namaste". Pat and Marina clamber down awkwardly while mumbling. EMILY And remember everyone, breathing, always breathing. Remember, if we don't breathe, we die. Marina, are you breathing? (loudly) Oh my, everyone, Marina almost died just now. That was frightening. ADAM And everyone, remember to keep your bashti hazy. Very very hazy bashtis, everyone. But, if you're feeling up to it, feel free to make your bashti bouyant, or loquacious. EMILY (laughing lightly) Ha ha, that would be fun. (sharply, to Pat) Pat. Your bashti, please. Fresh. Pat looks confused. ADAM And then push out through the kidneys, and jump, flow, or teleport into mountain cow. Everyone flows into "mountain cow", a really difficult, weird-ass looking pose. Harl and Yarrow do it with utter confidence, but Pat and Marina can barely manage it. Adam starts going from person to person correcting people as Emily performs the pose. EMILY Now, while you hold this pose, pull your taint up into your anus. And if that feels uncomfortable, that's fine. You've been sitting at a computer all day! Your anus is just waking up! Adam nudges Harl's elbow, lightly corrects Yarrow's neck, and grabs a hunk of Pat's dick-meat. Pat looks distressed. ADAM Now, place your sit-bones on the ground, and bring your walk-sticks up over your think-globe for a pose we call "Monkey with Shattered Spine." Everyone does the pose. Emily goes to correct Marina, who is very vulnerable with her legs over her head. She gets VERY close to her, and whispers VERY quietly in her ear. EMILY Just pull open either side of the butt. ADAM Now, if that's where you're at in your practice, feel free to add a minor heart attack to this pose. Pat looks over next to him, where Harl and Yarrow are involved in what looks like an extremely difficult and athletic erotic yoga dance. Emily presses Marina's butt apart gently yet firmly. She whispers in her ear. EMILY Do you feel that? Marina nods, terrified. Emily smiles at her lovingly, then bends in close to whisper directly in her ear. EMILY Never come to this class again. (to the rest of the class) Namaste. EVERYONE BUT MARINA Namaste. ADAM Okay, now everyone lie flat for the most important pose in all of yoga -- corpse pose. Everyone lies down motionless. After a moment, the music ends. ADAM This concludes our practice for today. ADAM AND EMILY Namaste. Everyone sits up except for Harl. EMILY Oh my. Everyone, this is so wonderful. Harl is dead.