Hardly Working: Yoga Teachers

By

Adam Conover

          INT. CONFERENCE / OFFICE ROOM

          PAT and MARINA enter a room marked "FREE YOGA CLASS"
          chatting and laughing. They stop when they see ADAM and
          EMILY standing barefoot just inside the threshold. Adam is
          wearing jean shorts over yoga pants, and Emily has a lot of
          turquoise on.

          They stare for a long moment at Pat and Marina, smiling
          slightly, as though looking into their souls.

                              ADAM AND EMILY
                         (meaningfully)
                    Hello.

          Pat glances at Marina. Marina shakes her head like "Don't
          even ask." Adam and Emily takes their places in front of the
          class, which also includes two sinewy yoga snobs, HARL and
          YARROW.

                              EMILY
                    Namaste, everyone, and welcome.

          Everyone repeats "Namaste", Pat and Marina a little behind.

                              ADAM
                    Thank you all for joining us for
                    our daily practice. Before we
                    begin, remember: there are no
                    judgments here.

          Emily looks Marina up and down judgmentally.

                              EMILY
                    Pfft.

          Marina looks alarmed. Adam presses play on a boombox and
          yoga music starts playing.

                              ADAM
                    Now, everyone place your feet
                    shoulder width apart, and without
                    pressing, press your feet into the
                    floor. Press. But remember, don't
                    press! Just: press.

                              EMILY
                    And whenever your heart lord
                    commands you, just ooze yourself
                    into downward facing dog. Namaste.

          She executes a beautiful "flow" into down-dog. Harl and
          Yarrow do it even more impressively while saying "Namaste".
          Pat and Marina clamber down awkwardly while mumbling.

                              EMILY
                    And remember everyone, breathing,
                    always breathing. Remember, if we
                    don't breathe, we die. Marina, are
                    you breathing?
                         (loudly)
                    Oh my, everyone, Marina almost died
                    just now. That was frightening.

                              ADAM
                    And everyone, remember to keep your
                    bashti hazy. Very very hazy
                    bashtis, everyone. But, if you're
                    feeling up to it, feel free to make
                    your bashti bouyant, or loquacious.

                              EMILY
                         (laughing lightly)
                    Ha ha, that would be fun.
                         (sharply, to Pat)
                    Pat. Your bashti, please. Fresh.

          Pat looks confused.

                              ADAM
                    And then push out through the
                    kidneys, and jump, flow, or
                    teleport into mountain cow.

          Everyone flows into "mountain cow", a really difficult,
          weird-ass looking pose. Harl and Yarrow do it with utter
          confidence, but Pat and Marina can barely manage it. Adam
          starts going from person to person correcting people as
          Emily performs the pose.

                              EMILY
                    Now, while you hold this pose, pull
                    your taint up into your anus. And
                    if that feels uncomfortable, that's
                    fine. You've been sitting at a
                    computer all day! Your anus is just
                    waking up!

          Adam nudges Harl's elbow, lightly corrects Yarrow's neck,
          and grabs a hunk of Pat's dick-meat. Pat looks distressed.

                              ADAM
                    Now, place your sit-bones on the
                    ground, and bring your walk-sticks
                    up over your think-globe for a pose
                    we call "Monkey with Shattered  
                    Spine."

          Everyone does the pose. Emily goes to correct Marina, who is
          very vulnerable with her legs over her head. She gets VERY
          close to her, and whispers VERY quietly in her ear.

                              EMILY
                     Just pull open either side of the
                    butt.

                              ADAM
                    Now, if that's where you're at in
                    your practice, feel free to add a  
                    minor heart attack to this pose.

          Pat looks over next to him, where Harl and Yarrow are
          involved in what looks like an extremely difficult and
          athletic erotic yoga dance.

          Emily presses Marina's butt apart gently yet firmly. She
          whispers in her ear.

                              EMILY
                    Do you feel that?

          Marina nods, terrified. Emily smiles at her lovingly, then
          bends in close to whisper directly in her ear.

                              EMILY
                    Never come to this class again.
                         (to the rest of the class)
                    Namaste.

                              EVERYONE BUT MARINA
                    Namaste.

                               ADAM
                    Okay, now everyone lie flat for the
                    most important pose in all of yoga
                    -- corpse pose.

          Everyone lies down motionless. After a moment, the music
          ends.

                              ADAM
                    This concludes our practice for
                    today.

                              ADAM AND EMILY
                    Namaste.

          Everyone sits up except for Harl.

                              EMILY
                    Oh my. Everyone, this is so
                    wonderful. Harl is dead.