They will scare you to your core.
By Adam Conover
INT. CONFERENCE / OFFICE ROOM
PAT and MARINA enter a room marked "FREE YOGA CLASS"
chatting and laughing. They stop when they see ADAM and
EMILY standing barefoot just inside the threshold. Adam is
wearing jean shorts over yoga pants, and Emily has a lot of
They stare for a long moment at Pat and Marina, smiling
slightly, as though looking into their souls.
ADAM AND EMILY
Pat glances at Marina. Marina shakes her head like "Don't
even ask." Adam and Emily takes their places in front of the
class, which also includes two sinewy yoga snobs, HARL and
Namaste, everyone, and welcome.
Everyone repeats "Namaste", Pat and Marina a little behind.
Thank you all for joining us for
our daily practice. Before we
begin, remember: there are no
Emily looks Marina up and down judgmentally.
Marina looks alarmed. Adam presses play on a boombox and
yoga music starts playing.
Now, everyone place your feet
shoulder width apart, and without
pressing, press your feet into the
floor. Press. But remember, don't
press! Just: press.
And whenever your heart lord
commands you, just ooze yourself
into downward facing dog. Namaste.
She executes a beautiful "flow" into down-dog. Harl and
Yarrow do it even more impressively while saying "Namaste".
Pat and Marina clamber down awkwardly while mumbling.
And remember everyone, breathing,
always breathing. Remember, if we
don't breathe, we die. Marina, are
Oh my, everyone, Marina almost died
just now. That was frightening.
And everyone, remember to keep your
bashti hazy. Very very hazy
bashtis, everyone. But, if you're
feeling up to it, feel free to make
your bashti bouyant, or loquacious.
Ha ha, that would be fun.
(sharply, to Pat)
Pat. Your bashti, please. Fresh.
Pat looks confused.
And then push out through the
kidneys, and jump, flow, or
teleport into mountain cow.
Everyone flows into "mountain cow", a really difficult,
weird-ass looking pose. Harl and Yarrow do it with utter
confidence, but Pat and Marina can barely manage it. Adam
starts going from person to person correcting people as
Emily performs the pose.
Now, while you hold this pose, pull
your taint up into your anus. And
if that feels uncomfortable, that's
fine. You've been sitting at a
computer all day! Your anus is just
Adam nudges Harl's elbow, lightly corrects Yarrow's neck,
and grabs a hunk of Pat's dick-meat. Pat looks distressed.
Now, place your sit-bones on the
ground, and bring your walk-sticks
up over your think-globe for a pose
we call "Monkey with Shattered
Everyone does the pose. Emily goes to correct Marina, who is
very vulnerable with her legs over her head. She gets VERY
close to her, and whispers VERY quietly in her ear.
Just pull open either side of the
Now, if that's where you're at in
your practice, feel free to add a
minor heart attack to this pose.
Pat looks over next to him, where Harl and Yarrow are
involved in what looks like an extremely difficult and
athletic erotic yoga dance.
Emily presses Marina's butt apart gently yet firmly. She
whispers in her ear.
Do you feel that?
Marina nods, terrified. Emily smiles at her lovingly, then
bends in close to whisper directly in her ear.
Never come to this class again.
(to the rest of the class)
EVERYONE BUT MARINA
Okay, now everyone lie flat for the
most important pose in all of yoga
-- corpse pose.
Everyone lies down motionless. After a moment, the music
This concludes our practice for
ADAM AND EMILY
Everyone sits up except for Harl.
Oh my. Everyone, this is so
wonderful. Harl is dead.