Things get death-ier as our terrifying 5-part series continues.
By Owen Parsons
TITLE CARD: LAST TIME ON HARDLY WORKING... ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Last time, on Hardly Working. -Adam shakes Murph awake ADAM It's free bagel day! -Pat is electrocuted horribly by the toaster. -Quick dramatic close-ups of cast as Murph talks. MURPH Death is coming for all of us. INT. COLLEGEHUMOR OFFICE - BEHIND THE WRITER POD - DAY Owen & Kev's Couch Chill-out Zone has been converted into a bunker. DAN, EMILY, MARINA, JOSH, OWEN & MURPH wear helmets & other safety equipment. Emily peers out with binoculars. EMILY Here he comes. KEVIN runs through the office screaming, wearing safety pads & a football helmet, carrying a shopping bag. He slides across Adam's old desk and lands in the middle of the group. KEVIN (casually) Hey guys, I'm back from the store. I got life jackets for everyone. He hands them out to the group. Marina runs down a LIST OF DEADLY FINAL DESTINATION SCENARIOS and crosses off "Flood." MARINA Awesome. Fuck you, Death. DAN Well done, Kev. Anything try to kill you out there? KEVIN A big bird tried to fly in my mouth and choke me, but it got stuck in my face mask. MURPH (smug) Told you that'd come in handy. DAN You know what, Murph? I've had enough of your psychic bullshit. It's your fault we're in this mess. JOSH Yeah, I hate and fear your mysterious gift! Others all murmur agreement. MURPH I was just trying to help! He runs off crying. Beat. KEVIN Oh, Marina, I got the headphones you wanted. He hands Marina a knot of white earbuds. MARINA Yes! I've been making an ultimate survival playlist on my iPod. DAN Nice. Do you have any Survivor? MARINA No. OWEN I Will Survive? MARINA No. EMILY Theme song from CBS's Survivor? MARINA What is- I've never heard of that. (struggling with headphones) Ugh, these are so tangled. Across the office, Murph sniffles and gets a psychic flash. MURPH Oh god. GUYS! I JUST HAD A VISION! Cut back to Marina. She's totally tangled up in headphone cords. KEVIN You want some help? MARINA Pff. If I can't untangle a bunch of headphones, I might as well kill myself. She pulls hard on the headphones. A loop tightens around her neck and start to choke her. She struggles for breath. CAST (panicking/trying to help) Holy shit! / Help her! / I can't, they're too tangled! Murph dives in with a knife and slices the headphones off her neck. Marina gasps. MURPH Ha! Who needs who, now? Who saved the day now? (pointing with knife) Not you! Not you! Murph's the hero! I just saved Marina's life! When he gestures to Marina, without looking, he stabs her right in the neck. She dies messily. Cast screams. MURPH Oh wow. To be fair, I did save her first, so this just balances out. EMILY You friggin nutjob! Emily throws Kevin's helmet at Murph. Murph ducks. The helmet continues and knocks over a bottle of hot sauce. The following rube goldberg shots intercut with the cast members watching in terror. Tense music builds. -The hot sauce rolls across a desk, falling off the table- -landing on one end of a skateboard, flipping it up- -launching a sneaker into the air- -it knocks a basketball off a nearby desk- -the basketball bounces around the corner towards dev and out of sight. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief- -the basketball returns from around the corner near production, everyone gasps again. It bounces ominously... -then slowly comes to a stop in the middle of the floor. Everyone looks confused. KEVIN Stupid anticlimactic basketball. I'll show you. DAN Kevin, wait! Kevin eagerly walks out to go get it, only to step on the skateboard from before. He slips and falls backward onto an upright umbrella. Cast reacts in horror. The umbrella sticks straight up, piercing Kevin's sternum. After a beat, it opens, flecking the cast with blood. ALL (screams) OWEN My umbrella! TO BE CONTINUED.