Hostess Closes Down

By

Owen Parsons & CollegeHumor Staff

          INT. PRESS CONFERENCE - DAY

          A HOSTESS EXEC steps out on stage behind a hostess podium.

                              HOSTESS EXEC
                    On behalf of Hostess Brands, I'm
                    sorry to announce that the union
                    has rejected our negotiations. In
                    response, we has no choice but to
                    close our plants and halt
                    production immediately.

          Reporters clamor. Exec motions for silence.

                              HOSTESS EXEC
                    These are good, American brands,
                    and it's sad to see them go. But we
                    have officially ceased production
                    of...

          As Hostess Exec names the products, screen widens to allow
          product images to appear next to him.

                              HOSTESS EXEC
                    Twinkies, Ho Hos, Devil Dogs,
                    Yankee Doodles, Ding Dongs, Ring
                    Dings, Ring Ding Dongs,
                    Chocodummies, Creamy Jerks, Grundle
                    Wizards, Snowman Balls, Dry
                    Sockets, Lil' Peters, Thong tha
                    Thong Bon Bons, Messy Sprinkle
                    Spills, Powder Pockets, Goobernazis
                    Fuckems, Slippy Whippers, Whippy
                    Slippers, General Custer's Custard
                    Dusters, Footbutts, Sticky Dumps,
                    Taco Pie Puffs, Burger Brownies,
                    Hammy Lumpin' Dunkers, Hard Yogurt
                    Brittle, Bleak Sandwiches, Cake
                    Steaks, Not Good Nubs, Gloopy Bloop
                    the Cream Filled Robot, Jam
                    Bullets, Hubba Hubba Tub a' Butta,
                    Cream Dongs, Medicinal Cream Dongs,
                    Runkles, Bananas. Yes, we made
                    those., Yowza Cacao-za, Sprinkle
                    Burps, A Large Cube of Hard, Black
                    Sugar, Sharp Caramel Angles,
                    Trinkies, Brinkies, Cream Sheets
                    Badonkadonks, Walter, Two Thousand
                    Microscopic Ice Cream Sundaes In A
                    Garbage Bag, Fun Bunz, Dog Sinew
                    Nunky Treatums, Gummy Neeners,
                    Sticks in a Bag, Prick Teasles, Big
                    Big Big Big Big Dumps, Corn Cream
                    Sandies, Sweety Treetzzzzzz, Twelve
                    Live Scorpions, and Tar Babies,
                    although those are being
                    discontinued for a different
                    reason.

          Screen refocuses on Exec.

                              HOSTESS EXEC
                    All great, American brands.
                    Hopefully we'll see them again. But
                    until then, I've got the last box
                    of Grundle Wizards here!

          Hostess Exec PULLS A BOX OF GRUNDLE WIZARDS from behind
          podium. Reports ERUPT into clamor.

                              HOSTESS EXEC
                    Let's start the bidding at $6,000!

          Reporters frantically bid on the snack cakes.