Hostess Closes Down
By Owen Parsons & CollegeHumor Staff
INT. PRESS CONFERENCE - DAY
A HOSTESS EXEC steps out on stage behind a hostess podium.
HOSTESS EXEC
On behalf of Hostess Brands, I'm
sorry to announce that the union
has rejected our negotiations. In
response, we has no choice but to
close our plants and halt
production immediately.
Reporters clamor. Exec motions for silence.
HOSTESS EXEC
These are good, American brands,
and it's sad to see them go. But we
have officially ceased production
of...
As Hostess Exec names the products, screen widens to allow
product images to appear next to him.
HOSTESS EXEC
Twinkies, Ho Hos, Devil Dogs,
Yankee Doodles, Ding Dongs, Ring
Dings, Ring Ding Dongs,
Chocodummies, Creamy Jerks, Grundle
Wizards, Snowman Balls, Dry
Sockets, Lil' Peters, Thong tha
Thong Bon Bons, Messy Sprinkle
Spills, Powder Pockets, Goobernazis
Fuckems, Slippy Whippers, Whippy
Slippers, General Custer's Custard
Dusters, Footbutts, Sticky Dumps,
Taco Pie Puffs, Burger Brownies,
Hammy Lumpin' Dunkers, Hard Yogurt
Brittle, Bleak Sandwiches, Cake
Steaks, Not Good Nubs, Gloopy Bloop
the Cream Filled Robot, Jam
Bullets, Hubba Hubba Tub a' Butta,
Cream Dongs, Medicinal Cream Dongs,
Runkles, Bananas. Yes, we made
those., Yowza Cacao-za, Sprinkle
Burps, A Large Cube of Hard, Black
Sugar, Sharp Caramel Angles,
Trinkies, Brinkies, Cream Sheets
Badonkadonks, Walter, Two Thousand
Microscopic Ice Cream Sundaes In A
Garbage Bag, Fun Bunz, Dog Sinew
Nunky Treatums, Gummy Neeners,
Sticks in a Bag, Prick Teasles, Big
Big Big Big Big Dumps, Corn Cream
Sandies, Sweety Treetzzzzzz, Twelve
Live Scorpions, and Tar Babies,
although those are being
discontinued for a different
reason.
Screen refocuses on Exec.
HOSTESS EXEC
All great, American brands.
Hopefully we'll see them again. But
until then, I've got the last box
of Grundle Wizards here!
Hostess Exec PULLS A BOX OF GRUNDLE WIZARDS from behind
podium. Reports ERUPT into clamor.
HOSTESS EXEC
Let's start the bidding at $6,000!
Reporters frantically bid on the snack cakes.
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