Hardly Working: Final Destination (Part 3)

By

Owen Parsons

          INT. COLLEGEHUMOR OFFICE - BY THE COPY ROOM

          A CORONER pulls a sheet over KEVIN's body. JOSH, MURPH,
          EMILY, DAN, OWEN watch somberly. Owen holds his umbrella.

                              EMILY
                    We can't just wait around to die
                    one by one. There has to be a way
                    to beat this.

                              CORONER
                         (chuckling creepily)
                    No one beats death. Not in the end.

          Coroner pulls up his hat, revealing STREETER.

                              JOSH
                    Streeter? When did you become a
                    weird coroner?

                              STREETER
                         (normal)
                    Yeah, well, economy, you know. Mad
                    cash in the stiff biz. Anyway.
                         (creepy)
                    You folks were supposed to die. Now
                    death's back to balance the ledger.
                    There's no escaping it. Unless...

                              DAN
                    We set a trap.

                              STREETER
                    What?

                              DAN
                    We prop up a big box, bait it with
                    some peanut butter, and when Death
                    goes for it we pull the string and
                    trap him like a rat.

                              STREETER
                    Jesus. Look. Death is still owed
                    five lives. But who said they have
                    to be your lives?

                              EMILY
                    You mean we should murder other
                    people so they can take our place
                    in death's design.

                              STREETER
                    Uh, actually I was thinking more
                    like a couple of squirrels, or...

          Emily shoves Streeter violently into the copy room. Streeter
          slips on a piece of paper and slams down face first on the
          scanner screen.

                              STREETER
                    No. NO!

          Emily slams the scanner door shut with a crunch. The copier
          prints out a blood soaked picture of Streeter's smashed
          face. Emily dusts her hands off.

                              EMILY
                    All right, that's one. Who's next?

          INT. SAM'S OFFICE - LATER

          SAM is on the phone. Emily knocks and pokes her head in.

                              EMILY
                    Hey Sam, could you come out for a
                    sec? We have something to show you.

                              SAM
                    Sure, one minute.

          Emily closes the door.

          EXT. SAM'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

          Josh, Dan & Owen are huddled off to the side of the door.
          Murph holds a big cinderblock over his head at the ready.

                              EMILY
                    Are we ready?

                              JOSH
                         (peering in window)
                    Look at him. We're dying out here
                    and he's living it up, safe and
                    sound. Have you ever seen such a
                    cold-hearted bastard?

          Cut to inside Sam's office.

                              SAM
                    Yeah, love you too, Dad. We don't
                    say that enough.

          Back outside:

                              MURPH
                    One problem, this is nowhere near
                    enough weight to do the deed.

                              DAN
                    Sam's a tiny egg of a man. It'll be
                    fine.

                              MURPH
                    No way, this is straight up paltry.
                    These delts could stack mass like
                    this in their sleep. You want this
                    done right, I'm gonna need a lot
                    more pop up top.

          Owen puts another cinderblock on top.

                              MURPH
                    Keep 'em coming.

          Owen keeps stacking.

                              DAN
                    Are you sure?

                              OWEN
                    Shut up, Dan. Murph's the psychic
                    one, he's obviously the main
                    character. He'll be fine.

                              MURPH
                    DID I SAY STOP? CAUSE I THOUGHT I
                    SAID BRING THE THUNDER.

          Owen resumes stacking.

                              EMILY
                    You can do it, Murph!

                              DAN / EMILY / OWEN
                    Lift! Lift! Lift! Lift!

                              MURPH
                    I'M STRONGER THAN MY DAD! WHO SAID
                    I WASN'T? HRRARGH!

          Owen throws another cinderblock on top. We hear bones
          popping. Murph slowly sinks down out of frame, his grunts
          fading into a wet bubbling sound. Cast watches, revolted.

          Sam exits his office.

                              SAM
                    Hey guys, sorry I had to take that
                    call. What did you want to show me?

          He follows their eyes down to the floor. Reveal: pile of
          cinderblocks on top of a crushed quivering blood pile.

                              SAM
                    My cinderblocks!

          TO BE CONTINUED.