The gang discovers a loophole in death's design wide enough to hang themselves with.
By Owen Parsons
INT. COLLEGEHUMOR OFFICE - BY THE COPY ROOM
A CORONER pulls a sheet over KEVIN's body. JOSH, MURPH,
EMILY, DAN, OWEN watch somberly. Owen holds his umbrella.
We can't just wait around to die
one by one. There has to be a way
to beat this.
No one beats death. Not in the end.
Coroner pulls up his hat, revealing STREETER.
Streeter? When did you become a
Yeah, well, economy, you know. Mad
cash in the stiff biz. Anyway.
You folks were supposed to die. Now
death's back to balance the ledger.
There's no escaping it. Unless...
We set a trap.
We prop up a big box, bait it with
some peanut butter, and when Death
goes for it we pull the string and
trap him like a rat.
Jesus. Look. Death is still owed
five lives. But who said they have
to be your lives?
You mean we should murder other
people so they can take our place
in death's design.
Uh, actually I was thinking more
like a couple of squirrels, or...
Emily shoves Streeter violently into the copy room. Streeter
slips on a piece of paper and slams down face first on the
Emily slams the scanner door shut with a crunch. The copier
prints out a blood soaked picture of Streeter's smashed
face. Emily dusts her hands off.
All right, that's one. Who's next?
INT. SAM'S OFFICE - LATER
SAM is on the phone. Emily knocks and pokes her head in.
Hey Sam, could you come out for a
sec? We have something to show you.
Sure, one minute.
Emily closes the door.
EXT. SAM'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Josh, Dan & Owen are huddled off to the side of the door.
Murph holds a big cinderblock over his head at the ready.
Are we ready?
(peering in window)
Look at him. We're dying out here
and he's living it up, safe and
sound. Have you ever seen such a
Cut to inside Sam's office.
Yeah, love you too, Dad. We don't
say that enough.
One problem, this is nowhere near
enough weight to do the deed.
Sam's a tiny egg of a man. It'll be
No way, this is straight up paltry.
These delts could stack mass like
this in their sleep. You want this
done right, I'm gonna need a lot
more pop up top.
Owen puts another cinderblock on top.
Keep 'em coming.
Owen keeps stacking.
Are you sure?
Shut up, Dan. Murph's the psychic
one, he's obviously the main
character. He'll be fine.
DID I SAY STOP? CAUSE I THOUGHT I
SAID BRING THE THUNDER.
Owen resumes stacking.
You can do it, Murph!
DAN / EMILY / OWEN
Lift! Lift! Lift! Lift!
I'M STRONGER THAN MY DAD! WHO SAID
I WASN'T? HRRARGH!
Owen throws another cinderblock on top. We hear bones
popping. Murph slowly sinks down out of frame, his grunts
fading into a wet bubbling sound. Cast watches, revolted.
Sam exits his office.
Hey guys, sorry I had to take that
call. What did you want to show me?
He follows their eyes down to the floor. Reveal: pile of
cinderblocks on top of a crushed quivering blood pile.
TO BE CONTINUED.