From CH Staff on
The gang discovers a loophole in death's design wide enough to hang themselves with.
By Owen Parsons
INT. COLLEGEHUMOR OFFICE - BY THE COPY ROOM A CORONER pulls a sheet over KEVIN's body. JOSH, MURPH, EMILY, DAN, OWEN watch somberly. Owen holds his umbrella. EMILY We can't just wait around to die one by one. There has to be a way to beat this. CORONER (chuckling creepily) No one beats death. Not in the end. Coroner pulls up his hat, revealing STREETER. JOSH Streeter? When did you become a weird coroner? STREETER (normal) Yeah, well, economy, you know. Mad cash in the stiff biz. Anyway. (creepy) You folks were supposed to die. Now death's back to balance the ledger. There's no escaping it. Unless... DAN We set a trap. STREETER What? DAN We prop up a big box, bait it with some peanut butter, and when Death goes for it we pull the string and trap him like a rat. STREETER Jesus. Look. Death is still owed five lives. But who said they have to be your lives? EMILY You mean we should murder other people so they can take our place in death's design. STREETER Uh, actually I was thinking more like a couple of squirrels, or... Emily shoves Streeter violently into the copy room. Streeter slips on a piece of paper and slams down face first on the scanner screen. STREETER No. NO! Emily slams the scanner door shut with a crunch. The copier prints out a blood soaked picture of Streeter's smashed face. Emily dusts her hands off. EMILY All right, that's one. Who's next? INT. SAM'S OFFICE - LATER SAM is on the phone. Emily knocks and pokes her head in. EMILY Hey Sam, could you come out for a sec? We have something to show you. SAM Sure, one minute. Emily closes the door. EXT. SAM'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Josh, Dan & Owen are huddled off to the side of the door. Murph holds a big cinderblock over his head at the ready. EMILY Are we ready? JOSH (peering in window) Look at him. We're dying out here and he's living it up, safe and sound. Have you ever seen such a cold-hearted bastard? Cut to inside Sam's office. SAM Yeah, love you too, Dad. We don't say that enough. Back outside: MURPH One problem, this is nowhere near enough weight to do the deed. DAN Sam's a tiny egg of a man. It'll be fine. MURPH No way, this is straight up paltry. These delts could stack mass like this in their sleep. You want this done right, I'm gonna need a lot more pop up top. Owen puts another cinderblock on top. MURPH Keep 'em coming. Owen keeps stacking. DAN Are you sure? OWEN Shut up, Dan. Murph's the psychic one, he's obviously the main character. He'll be fine. MURPH DID I SAY STOP? CAUSE I THOUGHT I SAID BRING THE THUNDER. Owen resumes stacking. EMILY You can do it, Murph! DAN / EMILY / OWEN Lift! Lift! Lift! Lift! MURPH I'M STRONGER THAN MY DAD! WHO SAID I WASN'T? HRRARGH! Owen throws another cinderblock on top. We hear bones popping. Murph slowly sinks down out of frame, his grunts fading into a wet bubbling sound. Cast watches, revolted. Sam exits his office. SAM Hey guys, sorry I had to take that call. What did you want to show me? He follows their eyes down to the floor. Reveal: pile of cinderblocks on top of a crushed quivering blood pile. SAM My cinderblocks! TO BE CONTINUED.