Hardly Working: Final Destination (Part 4)

By

Owen Parsons

          INT. COLLEGEHUMOR OFFICE

          DAN holds Murph's glasses as JOSH, OWEN & EMILY watch.

                              DAN
                    Goodbye, Murph. May flights of
                    angels sing thee to thy rest.

          He drops the glasses into the trash. Emily puts a hand on
          his shoulder.

                              EMILY
                    That was a beautiful service.

          Owen dumps a bag full of MURPH GUTS into the trash can.

                              JOSH
                    Guys... maybe we've been going
                    about this all wrong. Maybe this is
                    a blessing in disguise. Maybe...
                    now that we know we're definitely
                    going to die, we can choose to die
                    in the most awesome way possible.

          Everyone realizes this is true.

                              DAN / OWEN / EMILY
                         (Dan says it slightly faster)
                    Dibs on fucked to death by sexy
                    pleasure robot!

                              OWEN/EMILY
                         (Emily is slightly faster)
                    Shit! Fucked to death by regular
                    robot!

                              OWEN
                    Shit!

                              JOSH
                         (chuckles knowingly)
                    That's bush league. If you guys
                    really want to go out with style, I
                    know just the place. The North
                    Gallifield Torture Museum.

          Josh holds up a torture museum pamphlet, full of pictures of
          screaming dudes and bloody axes.

                              EMILY
                    We used to go on field trips there!
                    Their hook exhibit is off the
                    chain! And their chain exhibit...
                    is mediocre.

          EXT. STREET - DAY

          Josh flips through the pamphlet as they exit the building.

                              JOSH
                         (reading)
                    They're running an exhibition on
                    guns, knives, and poison
                    knife-firing gun snakes that barf
                    acid.

                              OWEN
                    What are we waiting for?

          Owen turns backs up into the street in an obvious "I'm about
          to be hit by a bus" shot.

                              OWEN
                    After all, today's the first day of
                    the rest of our lives!

          Nothing happens. (During this exchange, all shots of Owen
          are the same wide "about to be hit" shot)

                              EMILY
                    Why'd you walk in the road to say
                    that?

                              OWEN
                    I dunno. I guess I'm overwhelmed. I
                    mean, I've never felt so alive!

          We hear a car approaching. It drives behind Owen in a
          different lane.

                              JOSH
                    Wow, I kinda thought you were going
                    to get hit by a car there.

                              DAN / EMILY
                    Yeah, me too. / Totally.

                              OWEN
                    Really? I guess that makes sense.

                              JOSH
                    I feel like now we're building it
                    up a lot, too.

                              OWEN
                    Uh huh.

                              EMILY
                    Like we're just waiting for the
                    other shoe to drop.

                              OWEN
                    Right.

                              DAN
                    Like the second we stop talking
                    about it, it'll happen.

                              OWEN
                    Huh.

          Long pause.

                              JOSH
                    Well, let's go-

          Josh turns and immediately steps in a BEAR TRAP. His leg is
          so mangled. He screams. Dan, Emily and Owen scream. Josh
          takes another step into ANOTHER BEAR TRAP. He screams. Both
          legs ruined, he stumbles back and falls into a PILE OF BEAR
          TRAPS. Dan and Emily, screaming, are sprayed with blood. 

                              OWEN
                    Holy Sh-

          A van pulls into frame and ANNIHILATES Owen. Dan and Emily
          are sprayed with blood a second time. The side of the Van
          reads: "BEAR TRAP DELIVERY." A DELIVERY MAN pokes his head
          out the van window.

                              DELIVERY MAN
                    Hey, did you folks see anything
                    fall out of the truck back here?

          Reverse angle: Dan and Emily covered in blood.

                              DELIVERY MAN
                    Some traps, or... no?

          INT. COLLEGEHUMOR KITCHEN - LATER

          Emily and Dan get off the elevators, shell shocked. Emily
          shoves PAT's body (slumped by the toaster) off the counter
          and sits in its place.

                              DAN
                    So it's just us now.

                              EMILY
                    Dan, I just want to say, it's been
                    an honor working with you-

                              DAN
                    Aw, you don't have to say that.

                              EMILY
                    Okay. I'll actually- I'll take it
                    back, then.

          Silence. They aimlessly look around. Dan has an idea.

                              DAN
                    Wait. We killed Streeter. But he
                    wasn't part of Death's plan! An
                    extra person died. That means one
                    of us gets to live!

                              EMILY
                    That's great! But which one?

          They stare at each other.

          In one smooth motion, Dan opens the cupboard behind him,
          draws a handgun, and points it at Emily. At the same time
          Emily mirrors this motion, only she points a spoon at Dan.

                              EMILY
                    Wait, time out.

          She puts the spoon back and pulls out another handgun.

          Over black: Gunshot.

          To be concluded!