The four survivors escape the office, and discover an even deadlier place: everywhere else.
By Owen Parsons
INT. COLLEGEHUMOR OFFICE DAN holds Murph's glasses as JOSH, OWEN & EMILY watch. DAN Goodbye, Murph. May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest. He drops the glasses into the trash. Emily puts a hand on his shoulder. EMILY That was a beautiful service. Owen dumps a bag full of MURPH GUTS into the trash can. JOSH Guys... maybe we've been going about this all wrong. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Maybe... now that we know we're definitely going to die, we can choose to die in the most awesome way possible. Everyone realizes this is true. DAN / OWEN / EMILY (Dan says it slightly faster) Dibs on fucked to death by sexy pleasure robot! OWEN/EMILY (Emily is slightly faster) Shit! Fucked to death by regular robot! OWEN Shit! JOSH (chuckles knowingly) That's bush league. If you guys really want to go out with style, I know just the place. The North Gallifield Torture Museum. Josh holds up a torture museum pamphlet, full of pictures of screaming dudes and bloody axes. EMILY We used to go on field trips there! Their hook exhibit is off the chain! And their chain exhibit... is mediocre. EXT. STREET - DAY Josh flips through the pamphlet as they exit the building. JOSH (reading) They're running an exhibition on guns, knives, and poison knife-firing gun snakes that barf acid. OWEN What are we waiting for? Owen turns backs up into the street in an obvious "I'm about to be hit by a bus" shot. OWEN After all, today's the first day of the rest of our lives! Nothing happens. (During this exchange, all shots of Owen are the same wide "about to be hit" shot) EMILY Why'd you walk in the road to say that? OWEN I dunno. I guess I'm overwhelmed. I mean, I've never felt so alive! We hear a car approaching. It drives behind Owen in a different lane. JOSH Wow, I kinda thought you were going to get hit by a car there. DAN / EMILY Yeah, me too. / Totally. OWEN Really? I guess that makes sense. JOSH I feel like now we're building it up a lot, too. OWEN Uh huh. EMILY Like we're just waiting for the other shoe to drop. OWEN Right. DAN Like the second we stop talking about it, it'll happen. OWEN Huh. Long pause. JOSH Well, let's go- Josh turns and immediately steps in a BEAR TRAP. His leg is so mangled. He screams. Dan, Emily and Owen scream. Josh takes another step into ANOTHER BEAR TRAP. He screams. Both legs ruined, he stumbles back and falls into a PILE OF BEAR TRAPS. Dan and Emily, screaming, are sprayed with blood. OWEN Holy Sh- A van pulls into frame and ANNIHILATES Owen. Dan and Emily are sprayed with blood a second time. The side of the Van reads: "BEAR TRAP DELIVERY." A DELIVERY MAN pokes his head out the van window. DELIVERY MAN Hey, did you folks see anything fall out of the truck back here? Reverse angle: Dan and Emily covered in blood. DELIVERY MAN Some traps, or... no? INT. COLLEGEHUMOR KITCHEN - LATER Emily and Dan get off the elevators, shell shocked. Emily shoves PAT's body (slumped by the toaster) off the counter and sits in its place. DAN So it's just us now. EMILY Dan, I just want to say, it's been an honor working with you- DAN Aw, you don't have to say that. EMILY Okay. I'll actually- I'll take it back, then. Silence. They aimlessly look around. Dan has an idea. DAN Wait. We killed Streeter. But he wasn't part of Death's plan! An extra person died. That means one of us gets to live! EMILY That's great! But which one? They stare at each other. In one smooth motion, Dan opens the cupboard behind him, draws a handgun, and points it at Emily. At the same time Emily mirrors this motion, only she points a spoon at Dan. EMILY Wait, time out. She puts the spoon back and pulls out another handgun. Over black: Gunshot. To be concluded!