INT. COLLEGEHUMOR OFFICE
DAN holds Murph's glasses as JOSH, OWEN & EMILY watch.
Goodbye, Murph. May flights of
angels sing thee to thy rest.
He drops the glasses into the trash. Emily puts a hand on
That was a beautiful service.
Owen dumps a bag full of MURPH GUTS into the trash can.
Guys... maybe we've been going
about this all wrong. Maybe this is
a blessing in disguise. Maybe...
now that we know we're definitely
going to die, we can choose to die
in the most awesome way possible.
Everyone realizes this is true.
DAN / OWEN / EMILY
(Dan says it slightly faster)
Dibs on fucked to death by sexy
(Emily is slightly faster)
Shit! Fucked to death by regular
That's bush league. If you guys
really want to go out with style, I
know just the place. The North
Gallifield Torture Museum.
Josh holds up a torture museum pamphlet, full of pictures of
screaming dudes and bloody axes.
We used to go on field trips there!
Their hook exhibit is off the
chain! And their chain exhibit...
EXT. STREET - DAY
Josh flips through the pamphlet as they exit the building.
They're running an exhibition on
guns, knives, and poison
knife-firing gun snakes that barf
What are we waiting for?
Owen turns backs up into the street in an obvious "I'm about
to be hit by a bus" shot.
After all, today's the first day of
the rest of our lives!
Nothing happens. (During this exchange, all shots of Owen
are the same wide "about to be hit" shot)
Why'd you walk in the road to say
I dunno. I guess I'm overwhelmed. I
mean, I've never felt so alive!
We hear a car approaching. It drives behind Owen in a
Wow, I kinda thought you were going
to get hit by a car there.
DAN / EMILY
Yeah, me too. / Totally.
Really? I guess that makes sense.
I feel like now we're building it
up a lot, too.
Like we're just waiting for the
other shoe to drop.
Like the second we stop talking
about it, it'll happen.
Well, let's go-
Josh turns and immediately steps in a BEAR TRAP. His leg is
so mangled. He screams. Dan, Emily and Owen scream. Josh
takes another step into ANOTHER BEAR TRAP. He screams. Both
legs ruined, he stumbles back and falls into a PILE OF BEAR
TRAPS. Dan and Emily, screaming, are sprayed with blood.
A van pulls into frame and ANNIHILATES Owen. Dan and Emily
are sprayed with blood a second time. The side of the Van
reads: "BEAR TRAP DELIVERY." A DELIVERY MAN pokes his head
out the van window.
Hey, did you folks see anything
fall out of the truck back here?
Reverse angle: Dan and Emily covered in blood.
Some traps, or... no?
INT. COLLEGEHUMOR KITCHEN - LATER
Emily and Dan get off the elevators, shell shocked. Emily
shoves PAT's body (slumped by the toaster) off the counter
and sits in its place.
So it's just us now.
Dan, I just want to say, it's been
an honor working with you-
Aw, you don't have to say that.
Okay. I'll actually- I'll take it
Silence. They aimlessly look around. Dan has an idea.
Wait. We killed Streeter. But he
wasn't part of Death's plan! An
extra person died. That means one
of us gets to live!
That's great! But which one?
They stare at each other.
In one smooth motion, Dan opens the cupboard behind him,
draws a handgun, and points it at Emily. At the same time
Emily mirrors this motion, only she points a spoon at Dan.
Wait, time out.
She puts the spoon back and pulls out another handgun.
Over black: Gunshot.
To be concluded!