By Josh Ruben
RICHARD BRANSON pulls up to a bustling SPACEPORT AMERICA - Virgin Galactic's launch site - in a ridiculous sports car. RICHARD BRANSON Hello! I'm Richard Branson, British billionaire owner of Virgin Airlines! And I'm proud to announce the debut of Virgin Galactic! For just $200,000, unbuckle yourself from our all Italian-leather chairs and enjoy zero gravity and outerworldly views in your very own custom-made spacesuit, designed by in-flight tailor, John Varvatos! As he says the above, Branson ushers a CHUBBY RICH COUPLE through security as they board Virgin's ultra-lux LauncherOne which fires SpaceShipTwo through space. INT. SPACESHIP. JOHN VARVATOS tries really hard to measure a FAT RICH GUY's sizes in zero gravity. His tailoring SCISSORS float away and rip a hole in someone else's suit. RICHARD BRANSON For $1,000,000 you can enjoy unlimited Glennfiddich cocktails and an exclusive one-on-one performance by the opera alien from "The Fifth Element"! Branson sips whiskey and puts his arm around the OPERA ALIEN as she sings a weird aria inches from his face. His eardrums EXPLODE. He winks to camera. RICHARD BRANSON Upset Neil Armstrong died? No worries! I've cloned him! And for $20,000,000, we'll give you unlimited access to Sector Neil, our VIP facility FULL of Neil Armstrongs! Play dodgeball with thousands of the first men to walk on the moon! INT. SPACESHIP. Richard in a GIGANTIC STEEL ROOM FULL of NEIL ARMSTRONGS. They throw thousands of dodgeballs at him. RICHARD BRANSON Enjoy foreign films? For $50,000,000, watch as many as you want! WHILE RIDING AN ASTEROID! Several PASSENGERS struggle to hang onto a fiery ASTEROID as a SUBTITLED MOVIE plays on a free-standing projector screen. The asteroid crashes into Jupiter, forever scarring it. RICHARD BRANSON You know that rock formation that looks like a face? Let's piss on it! MARS. Branson moon walks to the famous phenomenon and takes a piss on it. RICHARD BRANSON Worried about STDs? For $100,000,000, we'll travel 400 light years into the future where everyone looks great and no one has STDS! Have an orgy! Babies are illegal! CUT TO: Hundreds of upper class RICH PEOPLE having an ORGY. A NAKED WOMAN pops out a BABY that is instantly arrested by a SPACE COP. RICHARD BRANSON Ever wonder how it would feel to put your dick inside a black hole? Well, now you don't have to! We'll stop by one and just do it! We're in space, dammit! **ALT: (makes me laugh)** RICHARD BRANSON Ever heard of the Space Time Continnuum? Let's put our dick in it! Richard and some PASSENGERS stick their dicks in a BLACK HOLE. Branson gets SUCKED THROUGH A WORMHOLE and lands on: THE ROOF OF SPACEPORT AMERICA - EARTH - SUNDOWN RICHARD BRANSON I've had some incredible adventures in my lifetime and space is going to be the greatest one of all. I hope you'll join me. ZOOM OUT to OUTER SPACE - reveal the BORG SHIP, DEATH STAR, GALACTICA, ships from STARGATE, SPACEBALLS, ALIEN, MARS ATTACKS and more. They ready their weapons. They OPEN FIRE on Earth. EPIC EXPLOSION!