Virgin Galactic

By

Josh Ruben

          RICHARD BRANSON pulls up to a bustling SPACEPORT AMERICA -
          Virgin Galactic's launch site - in a ridiculous sports car.

                              RICHARD BRANSON
                    Hello! I'm Richard Branson, British
                    billionaire owner of Virgin
                    Airlines! And I'm proud to announce
                    the debut of Virgin Galactic! For
                    just $200,000, unbuckle yourself
                    from our all Italian-leather chairs
                    and enjoy zero gravity and
                    outerworldly views in your very own
                    custom-made spacesuit, designed by
                    in-flight tailor, John Varvatos!

          As he says the above, Branson ushers a CHUBBY RICH COUPLE
          through security as they board Virgin's ultra-lux
          LauncherOne which fires SpaceShipTwo through space.

          INT. SPACESHIP.

          JOHN VARVATOS tries really hard to measure a FAT RICH GUY's
          sizes in zero gravity. His tailoring SCISSORS float away and
          rip a hole in someone else's suit.

                              RICHARD BRANSON
                    For $1,000,000 you can enjoy
                    unlimited Glennfiddich cocktails
                    and an exclusive one-on-one
                    performance by the opera alien from
                    "The Fifth Element"!

          Branson sips whiskey and puts his arm around the OPERA ALIEN
          as she sings a weird aria inches from his face. His eardrums
          EXPLODE. He winks to camera.

                              RICHARD BRANSON
                    Upset Neil Armstrong died? No
                    worries! I've cloned him! And for
                    $20,000,000, we'll give you
                    unlimited access to Sector Neil,
                    our VIP facility FULL of Neil
                    Armstrongs! Play dodgeball with
                    thousands of the first men to walk
                    on the moon!

          INT. SPACESHIP.

          Richard in a GIGANTIC STEEL ROOM FULL of NEIL ARMSTRONGS.
          They throw thousands of dodgeballs at him.

                              RICHARD BRANSON
                    Enjoy foreign films? For
                    $50,000,000, watch as many as you
                    want! WHILE RIDING AN ASTEROID!

          Several PASSENGERS struggle to hang onto a fiery ASTEROID as
          a SUBTITLED MOVIE plays on a free-standing projector screen.
          The asteroid crashes into Jupiter, forever scarring it.

                              RICHARD BRANSON
                    You know that rock formation that
                    looks like a face? Let's piss on
                    it!

          MARS. Branson moon walks to the famous phenomenon and takes
          a piss on it.

                              RICHARD BRANSON
                    Worried about STDs? For
                    $100,000,000, we'll travel 400
                    light years into the future where
                    everyone looks great and no one has
                    STDS! Have an orgy! Babies are
                    illegal!

          CUT TO: Hundreds of upper class RICH PEOPLE having an ORGY.
          A NAKED WOMAN pops out a BABY that is instantly arrested by
          a SPACE COP.

                              RICHARD BRANSON
                    Ever wonder how it would feel to
                    put your dick inside a black hole?
                    Well, now you don't have to! We'll
                    stop by one and just do it! We're
                    in space, dammit!

          **ALT: (makes me laugh)**

                              RICHARD BRANSON
                    Ever heard of the Space Time
                    Continnuum? Let's put our dick in
                    it!

          Richard and some PASSENGERS stick their dicks in a BLACK
          HOLE. Branson gets SUCKED THROUGH A WORMHOLE and lands on:

          THE ROOF OF SPACEPORT AMERICA - EARTH - SUNDOWN

                              RICHARD BRANSON
                    I've had some incredible adventures
                    in my lifetime and space is going
                    to be the greatest one of all. I
                    hope you'll join me.

          ZOOM OUT to OUTER SPACE - reveal the BORG SHIP, DEATH STAR,
          GALACTICA, ships from STARGATE, SPACEBALLS, ALIEN, MARS
          ATTACKS and more. They ready their weapons.

          They OPEN FIRE on Earth. EPIC EXPLOSION!